The Catch 22

Okay, first off, everybody knows now that I want to be tested for aS/Autism, because I don't have a diagnosis. What I have right now is a strong suspicion that I could have AS and simply was never diagnosed.
Okay, so...I want to talk about dating, or not dating as the case may be, and my desire for a relationship, as well as my lack of one, and how that has affected me. The loneliness, and just the general feeling of seeming to be a square peg in a world of round holes.

I was watching a You Tube video & this couple (one or both of them had AS) was talking about "Talking" to people & getting to know them and enjoying others. Cool! Wonderful ideas. I remember when Christian author Josuah Harris wore his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye.". I remember being so relieved because...I didn't date. I'd tried it. A date was a real rarity for me... But somehow the whole idea of it just seemed uncomfortable. I mea, what if the guy turned out to not have the best intentions for me? What if something happened to me, and nobody ever knew about it? What if he wanted to sleep with me? This is off limits for me, but could I convince HIM of that?

Now, I say all that to say this: I love the idea of talking and getting to know people and letting them talk about themselves. Aspie's in particular can have so much apprehension about "small talk.". I think this is because (we) (I can't resist, I'll go ahead and include myself) consider it trivial & even unnecessary. We have these deep ideas about passionate subjects that we want to discuss, that (in our minds) get down into the roots of who we really are. I for one, will "put up" with the small talk because, because I know that it will lead to the deep things I want to get to. That's no rudeness (at least, I don't intend it to be.). It's just the way my mind sees things. So, my deepest wish is to get out there and meet as many people as I can, which I feel I have done. But there's always been a deep longing in me to know that one man... The one that U'm supposed to marry. This... Has not happened yet.

I can't help myself, I've always looked for him. Always wondered where he is. Always tried to spot his face in whatever group of people I might be with. Always wanted to know my husband's identity... And even tried to "bring it on," as it were. It became, you could say...my obsession... And I kicked myself for it everyday. I'd go through terrible guilt because... Love always comes when you least expect it, right? This was (and has been) a concept that gave me so much trouble because I literally never knew how to wrap my mind around it. How do you STOP thinking about something you want so badly? How do you NOT expect such a blessing...especially when you've dreamt about it since you were about eight years old?

Okay, now, this is probably going to worry some people, but here goes... I've always felt the need to have some sort of "perceived" protective "cover" over me that in many ways protects me and helps me through my real life. I will find something to "grab onto" in my mind that makes the real world easier to walk through. For me, this has always been the dream of meeting my husband someday. That dream has been like this sort of anchor that I have "leaned" on in my life to make the uncertainty more bearable. It's been sort of like a "coat" I put on when the storm of life would get too wild. This way...somehow, I could "see" in my mind's eye that whatever current pain or stress I was going through was all leading somewhere. This is just the way my mind works.

But there's always been a catch 22 in my life. Now, understand that I mean no disrespect here...only honesty. I would go to church, and feel guilty because with this dream of mine, I would think that I was somehow unable to trust God or believe that he would bring these things about in my life. I would try to tell people close to me that I could not stop "looking" for him... That I wanted to meet this guy so badly... And they would become worried for me. They would think that my mind was in the wrong place and they would then need to "correct" me. Sometimes loneliness still does get pretty intense. Anyway, I've always had friend's and a social life and some other outlets to take my mind off the intensity. But here's the problem... Those things never really worked. I think I should say that again, because that's a reality that I've been "stuffing" for a long time. Those things never really worked.

Don't misunderstand me. We need friend's. We need people in our lives. We need activities to keep us busy...absolutely. All I'm saying is, underneath all of this, I had this wonderful dream...yet unfulfilled. The ability to dream it, kept me facing the day. The fact I was not sociable like other people scared me to death. How would I ever meet him?? Now, God can work anything out he wants...but as the wait for this dream to be fulfilled became longer and longer...I truly did begin to freak out: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? Sometimes this storm still rages and rages inside. I've given up going to people and trying to talk to them about how intense it is beCause I usually feel worse than when I started. People with the best iterations would tell me that I needed to give that over to God. I will respond to that by giving you a quote:

"Every night I'd cut out my heart...but in the morning it was full again."

This is from "The English Patient.". It's how the Count describes trying to forget about Katherine Clifton. To me, God can have an issue of mine in his hands, but it still follows me around like my shadow. Why? Because I simply can't stop thinking about it. I'm sure every Christian goes through this...but I'm finding thar if one has a tendency to "obsess" over things, it can particularly difficult to really KNOW that you've really given it over to him. So, I would need to talk about these things, and then feel patronized because I was supposed to be "giving that over to God so he could take care of it.". I would feel guilty for wanting a husband so bad, because it was like I was saying I didn't want God or something. This was never my intention. I then had this battle going on inside, because the "coat" I would wear to try and shelter myself from the storms of life, now needed to come off, if you know what I mean. I could not let it go...I just couldn't. No, I'm not saying that a husband will make my life perfect. I'm not saying he would solve all my problems... He wouldn't. But the thought that with every step I took I was getting closer to him.... This made me more excited than I could say. This made (and still makes) my life fun and romantic. It's awesome! I love it! But I don't really share how intensely I feel these things, because past experience has taught me that it makes people afraid that all my motives are in the wrong place.

I liken it to a child needing a Teddy bear. It helps them not be afraid in the dark. Doesn't make their life perfect and solve all their problems, just let's them snuggle to get through the night. As far as I know, husbands are good for that too, right? :). So, there's the intensity of a dream and the intensity of wanting it to come true and the intensity of the time it takes to get there. Any way you look at it... There's just a lot of intensity! Couple this with the fact that I don't drive, so physically, it's difficult to even make it to most of these social functions that help us to have a "life". Triple this, with the fact that there is anxiety involved. As I've gotten older I've been able to deal better with the anxiety and have moe optimism...but I still struggle with it at times. Quadruple this with the fact that's difficult for me to function in social situations anyway because I have to speak loudly and I have trouble knowing who to focus on. I have fun for awhile, but all my energy is drained out of me. Put all of this together, and you 'll see why I'm much better off snuggled on my couch with a great movie (my dream is to do this with my husband... See, there it is again!).

There's a final element to all this that has always confused me. If our friend's, or the people we "socialize" are supposed to be a support system for us...why do we have to be so guarded around them? I mean, when I talk, I like to get it all out there and just say what I feel... Which a lot of times is not a good thing because it can hurt someone. But that's exactly my point. Why do I want to go through the anxiety of wondering whether or not what I'm saying is okay? That wares me out... But apparently, this is why we're supposed to socialize... So we can.... Drive each other crazy? :). Like I said, I'd much rather just lie on my sofa and watch a movie. That way, things can get as intense as they need to, and I still have complete control... Because it's only a movie, yes? Perfect. But my desire to be with my husband keeps crowding my insides... And apparently, this is why I need to learn to do do all of the above things. Good grief! I told you it was a catch 22, :)