Duh?? But I thought...
I think that when you have AS, the visions in your head mean safety; but often, the realities of everyday life do not. Females (in particular) with AS have a lot of challenges with "executive function," so I keep reading. I can't count how many times I've begun even the simplest of tasks, and had to stop because I felt as though I could not stretch my mind anymore. Many of the normal daily demands of a (typical) nuero-typical person make me rather tired, to put it quite simply. In my case I don't drive, for the same reasons...it exhausts me to the point of wanting to cry.
Anyway, not having the agility or stamina to do many physical things (or only do them for a short period) makes it a challenge, even to burn our own energy. For example I would run, but even a very short amount leaves me, really sore, short of breath and feeling like I'm hyper-ventilating. So, we become immersed in our very narrow interests (I think) because they stimulate us without requiring the many changes and transitions and unexpected adjustments of say, the average married person with children. Now, many with AS DO get married & they DO have children...and very successfully. I just find that one of my obsessions is conquering the the "fear" that I won't succeed at marriage. This has been quite confusing to me for a number of reasons.
First of all, love always happens when you are not looking for it. How can this happen when my obsession is to find it? This dream, this obsession, this hope...keeps me excited, keeps me going, breathes life into me... But it's only in my head. The realities of marriage by practical experience, I know not of. I can only dream of it, and try to fill my lack of experience with "knowledge" on the subject, but this does not sharpen my instinct for the "grey" areas of life. It only gives me the FEELING that this has happened.
Secondly, why does someone who prizes being alone and having solitude want to be with someone else so bad anyway? I've never been able to figure this out. Right now I have the solitude I love...I should be HAPPY. Here's the thing: the solitude continually refuels the visions in my head that I so desperately want to apply to real life...but I can't. I need another half (as they say) to do that. This is not because I'm not good enough on my own. The visions in my head have a man and woman in them. It's not just me. This leads me to feel that there is incompleteness in my life, period. I can't seem to help it. This is a state of mind that I continually feel guilty for because I'm supposed to let God fill that emptiness, and not need anyone, right? It does not go away because the quiet and "aloneness" fuel the visions in my head, which are beautiful, wonderful, and comforting, but not reality.
It is at this point that I realize that I must keep busy, get out there and do something in order to get my mind on something else. With no car, general anxiety and awkwardness in social situations, this also is quite a challenge. I feel strange and excluded. Pressured. It's as though I have to force a lot of akward exchanges where I didn't quite "get it" to some secret spot in my mind, and behave as though they do not bother me, just to get along with others. But they do bother me. It dawns on me, that when I'm alone, none of these akward social adjustments are necessary. I run back to my solitude, and the visions and dreams begin again. The ones of me being one of two, mean. They grow and change and flourish into a hope I can't explain...but this is not reality. The truth dawns on me again...that I cannot afford to stay in this frame of mind because as soothing as it is for a time, it's simply unrealistic.
Reluctantly, I return back to reality & try to be an adult again, making lists of groceries, and Bible verses and things I should do around the house. Sometimes these endeavors are accomplished (YES!!!), sometimes not. There is a hurt inside because I have "abandoned" the most precious hope in my life. I want it back! I can't have it back, because I must stay busy and productive, social awkwardness and the sinking feeling of "drop" that I try to ignore, a lingering presence. I then resolve that somehow, some way, I need to find some sort of middle ground, where my dreams of being a couple can flourish while the reality that it is so much better for me to be single can play itself out. I then enthusiastically set out on this journey to find that strange Shang gri La. It never happens.
I am always right between two realities pulling me in two opposite directions. My dreams drown me. Reality rescues me for a time, but then becomes depressing and unfulfilling, and I need to dream. Perhaps this is more "typical" than I realize. But no wonder marriage seems to some refuge from boredom! This is awful. I probably should not have even said thar. Never get married because you are bored, or you want to escape. The consequences are dyer (so I've always been told). I believe it. I just wish I could "stop," and know that there is no need for another reality. God's grace is sufficient.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Unrealistic
Duh?? But I thought...
Sometimes we hold onto things for way too long, and even we don't understand why. I always wonder why my brain is wired this way. Why can't I just let things go? Interesting, because, if you believe in Jesus, like I do, then the "holding on" makes sense. I mean, my brain seems "wired" for this sorta thing. Somehow, I don't think it was EASY for the woman who'd been bleeding for 12 years to believe that she would still be healed (but she was!). It's obvious that Abraham and Sara second guessed themselves over & over about Isaac's birth, again and again. They were scared, I think that God must've told them something that they missed...and WHAT WAS IT??
Sometimes waiting is a lot harder than we bargain for. When it has hurt too long, we try to "force" a solution because we think we can't stand another minute of uncertainty. I had a friend that I decided I liked as more than a friend. I thought this friend liked me as more than a friend too, but then I figured out I was wrong. I believed I had a word from the Lord about him, just like some old Bible story from thousands of years ago. Now it seems that this belief has only made me a fool...which by the way, is ALSO consistent with Old Testament Bible stories. I'm sure Noah struggled with feeling foolish as people laughed & scoffed while he built this huge thing called...an ark (??). Course, then it began to rain! Had Noah held onto to his beliefs for too long? No. Because God did what he said he would. Now, from a human perspective, he was an absolute fool. Spent years building this Ark and gathering up all the animals they would need...not a drop of rain. No sign...no indication obvious to ANYONE ELSE that this man wasn't crazy. But Noah had God's word. God does not break his word! The thing is, no one else had the word that Noah did. It was Noah and God. That's it. That's. ENOUGH...but that was it.
This is a lonely walk. This too is not easy. We are all human. We falter, we doubt. We want to relate to other PEOPLE just like everyone else does. So, what happens when we have a word from the Lord, and those around us (bless their hearts) only want to protect us and help us get our head out of the clouds? This has to be discerned and listened to. Do we have our head in the clouds (as it were)? Are we being dishonest with ourselves or God? Are we believing the truth, or a lie? Have we made this up in our own heads & then SAID it was from God? All these questions will cause a struggle...which most likely will lead to guilt. I say this, because this is what has happened to me. What's with the striving? Why the struggle? Do I believe what God said or not? I think of Hannah. She knelt before the Lord in anguish, and could not say out loud what she was going through. It was too intense. She mouthed her words in silence, and Eli (the High Priest) thought she'd been drinking. Well, if you mean drinking in her own anguish...yes...I'd say she was. Eli believed her, and said "May the Lord grant your request."
Have you ever REALLY anguished over something? Maybe you felt it would break you in half, but found yourself stuffing it & holding it in? Maybe you knew others would not believe you. Maybe you're embarrassed because you know it will be too intense for those around you. Maybe you spend a great deal of time alone because that's the only way you can "feel" your feelings without offending anyone else. What makes it harder still, is that Aspies romanticize things. We see things VERY specifically in our minds and do not want that "picture" broken or changed. This is often mistaken for conceit and selfishness. Often we're not trying to be conceited. We'd rather think of it as unwavering and faithful. Somehow, I think Peter knew a great deal about this dilemma. Anyway, the fact is... We doubt...sometimes a lot easier than we expect that we will.
Am I believing God because I really do have a word about (someone) from Him, or am I being completely unrealistic because I'm holding onto something that is not true? You know, the irony is that the old testament Bible characters did ALL of these things...only the las part of that sentence was different. They DID believe in God because they really did have a word from Him. They WERE being completely unrealistic, because they were holding onto something that... WAS true! That's difference. But it did not feel, look or seem true. God seemed to have left the building, and those involved were usually desperate for Him to make an entrance. If the characters of the old testament had settled for being realistic, would any of them have been used by God in the powerful ways that they were? I don't think so, myself. They had to go out on a limb and be very brave, and keep believing when everything in them, told them not to.
Now, this is not to be mistaken with dishonesty. Sometimes we need to take an inventory of ourselves and make sure we're telling truth. But be assured today...God knows. He understands. He knows when we are embarrassed because we wonder if we know the truth from a lie anymore. He knows, when we don't want to leave, but it's getting harder and harder to stay (still) and you wonder if it's even worth it. Maybe you've thought for ages that it's time you accepted that God has something different for you...but you're too afraid to abandon the original instruction. Maybe you know that something just doesn't seem to add up...and you wish you knew what it was. He knows. He knows when you're lonely, and nothing you seem to fill your time with will blot out the one thing you're not sure about. He knows when you feel torn apart because you can't seem to just look to God, and even when you do...he's silent. Every old testament character went through this. It was a lonely walk for them. God knew it...and he knows it today. He knows when you can't take the counsel of even your closest friend's because it doesn't match what God is telling you. He hurts with you when you really believe he should tell someone else the thing that he's telling you so you're not alone...but it doesn't happen. He knows. He understands. He remembers. He's right there holding your hand, when you want to scream at him that you don't believe him anymore. (!!!).
My point is, that if you're kicking yourself right now because you believed very strongly in something that did not work out...it's okay. Forgive yourself. It's not your fault. I don't know whether you're supposed to keep believing or not, but don't punish yourself for not being "realistic.". Maybe this has become sorta like a mantra in your life that seems to chanted (if you will) by other people. "You're not being realistic.". It's been my experience that the God of the Bible never had much use for "realistic " people because the things that HE wanted to accomplish were so crazy! :). This characterizes my life, as a sentimental, enthusiastic, loyal to a fault, sensitive, curious Aspie, who often doesn't seem to have much use for the sensible things in life. I'm a dreamer, and I always will be. This is why God makes sense to me. True, a person can be sincere...but still be sincerely wrong...but don't kick yourself for being sincere. God Knows.
Sometimes we hold onto things for way too long, and even we don't understand why. I always wonder why my brain is wired this way. Why can't I just let things go? Interesting, because, if you believe in Jesus, like I do, then the "holding on" makes sense. I mean, my brain seems "wired" for this sorta thing. Somehow, I don't think it was EASY for the woman who'd been bleeding for 12 years to believe that she would still be healed (but she was!). It's obvious that Abraham and Sara second guessed themselves over & over about Isaac's birth, again and again. They were scared, I think that God must've told them something that they missed...and WHAT WAS IT??
Sometimes waiting is a lot harder than we bargain for. When it has hurt too long, we try to "force" a solution because we think we can't stand another minute of uncertainty. I had a friend that I decided I liked as more than a friend. I thought this friend liked me as more than a friend too, but then I figured out I was wrong. I believed I had a word from the Lord about him, just like some old Bible story from thousands of years ago. Now it seems that this belief has only made me a fool...which by the way, is ALSO consistent with Old Testament Bible stories. I'm sure Noah struggled with feeling foolish as people laughed & scoffed while he built this huge thing called...an ark (??). Course, then it began to rain! Had Noah held onto to his beliefs for too long? No. Because God did what he said he would. Now, from a human perspective, he was an absolute fool. Spent years building this Ark and gathering up all the animals they would need...not a drop of rain. No sign...no indication obvious to ANYONE ELSE that this man wasn't crazy. But Noah had God's word. God does not break his word! The thing is, no one else had the word that Noah did. It was Noah and God. That's it. That's. ENOUGH...but that was it.
This is a lonely walk. This too is not easy. We are all human. We falter, we doubt. We want to relate to other PEOPLE just like everyone else does. So, what happens when we have a word from the Lord, and those around us (bless their hearts) only want to protect us and help us get our head out of the clouds? This has to be discerned and listened to. Do we have our head in the clouds (as it were)? Are we being dishonest with ourselves or God? Are we believing the truth, or a lie? Have we made this up in our own heads & then SAID it was from God? All these questions will cause a struggle...which most likely will lead to guilt. I say this, because this is what has happened to me. What's with the striving? Why the struggle? Do I believe what God said or not? I think of Hannah. She knelt before the Lord in anguish, and could not say out loud what she was going through. It was too intense. She mouthed her words in silence, and Eli (the High Priest) thought she'd been drinking. Well, if you mean drinking in her own anguish...yes...I'd say she was. Eli believed her, and said "May the Lord grant your request."
Have you ever REALLY anguished over something? Maybe you felt it would break you in half, but found yourself stuffing it & holding it in? Maybe you knew others would not believe you. Maybe you're embarrassed because you know it will be too intense for those around you. Maybe you spend a great deal of time alone because that's the only way you can "feel" your feelings without offending anyone else. What makes it harder still, is that Aspies romanticize things. We see things VERY specifically in our minds and do not want that "picture" broken or changed. This is often mistaken for conceit and selfishness. Often we're not trying to be conceited. We'd rather think of it as unwavering and faithful. Somehow, I think Peter knew a great deal about this dilemma. Anyway, the fact is... We doubt...sometimes a lot easier than we expect that we will.
Am I believing God because I really do have a word about (someone) from Him, or am I being completely unrealistic because I'm holding onto something that is not true? You know, the irony is that the old testament Bible characters did ALL of these things...only the las part of that sentence was different. They DID believe in God because they really did have a word from Him. They WERE being completely unrealistic, because they were holding onto something that... WAS true! That's difference. But it did not feel, look or seem true. God seemed to have left the building, and those involved were usually desperate for Him to make an entrance. If the characters of the old testament had settled for being realistic, would any of them have been used by God in the powerful ways that they were? I don't think so, myself. They had to go out on a limb and be very brave, and keep believing when everything in them, told them not to.
Now, this is not to be mistaken with dishonesty. Sometimes we need to take an inventory of ourselves and make sure we're telling truth. But be assured today...God knows. He understands. He knows when we are embarrassed because we wonder if we know the truth from a lie anymore. He knows, when we don't want to leave, but it's getting harder and harder to stay (still) and you wonder if it's even worth it. Maybe you've thought for ages that it's time you accepted that God has something different for you...but you're too afraid to abandon the original instruction. Maybe you know that something just doesn't seem to add up...and you wish you knew what it was. He knows. He knows when you're lonely, and nothing you seem to fill your time with will blot out the one thing you're not sure about. He knows when you feel torn apart because you can't seem to just look to God, and even when you do...he's silent. Every old testament character went through this. It was a lonely walk for them. God knew it...and he knows it today. He knows when you can't take the counsel of even your closest friend's because it doesn't match what God is telling you. He hurts with you when you really believe he should tell someone else the thing that he's telling you so you're not alone...but it doesn't happen. He knows. He understands. He remembers. He's right there holding your hand, when you want to scream at him that you don't believe him anymore. (!!!).
My point is, that if you're kicking yourself right now because you believed very strongly in something that did not work out...it's okay. Forgive yourself. It's not your fault. I don't know whether you're supposed to keep believing or not, but don't punish yourself for not being "realistic.". Maybe this has become sorta like a mantra in your life that seems to chanted (if you will) by other people. "You're not being realistic.". It's been my experience that the God of the Bible never had much use for "realistic " people because the things that HE wanted to accomplish were so crazy! :). This characterizes my life, as a sentimental, enthusiastic, loyal to a fault, sensitive, curious Aspie, who often doesn't seem to have much use for the sensible things in life. I'm a dreamer, and I always will be. This is why God makes sense to me. True, a person can be sincere...but still be sincerely wrong...but don't kick yourself for being sincere. God Knows.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Autistics Rejoice! :)
Duh?? But I thought...
.I was just thinking, I have found what I think is a huge blessing from having AS.
This got me to thinking about some of the major stereo types surrounding AS and what can be done to help deal with the negativity. I am not a doctor. These are my opinions based on my own experiences. This does not apply to everyone with AS. These are general observations...some written in the first person, some written to Autistics in general. Note: absolutely NO disrespect intended towards those who are not Autistic. I'm only trying to take some of the stereotypes of autism and turn them on their head! :)
The blessing is...
Learning to just roll with it. No no, I'm serious. I think when we have AS we can learn to just roll with it, even better than someone who doesn't have it. I find that for me personally, I know that I need a lot of assistance doing even little things that test my fine motor skills. Too many directions at once are confusing for me, things like that. Whether I like it or not, I've had to learn to be dependent on others in ways that maybe I'd rather not. But there are actually several pros to this:
Now, what makes AS tough, is that, for one thing, we often explain things "inside out" and then have to turn them around. (Like I just did). Did you catch that? I said there are several PROS to this & then pointed out what makes AS tough.
Sometimes, it's harder to allow people to help us than it is to keep on being fiercely independent. I've come to believe that it can be our independence on others that can help us form relationships with people. Since those with AS have many challenges when it comes to relationships, this need to accept others help can be a doorway of opportunity that helps US, rather than a huge burden that needs correcting.
1. So many people struggle with being stressed out & having too much to do, so many times many NT's just wish they knew how to back off and do less...not take on so much. With AS, this is built in...it's almost like we're born with it. We generally HAVE to bite things off in small pieces and know where our limits are... Because we often don't have much energy to begin with. This does not have to be a strike against us. In fact, it can be an amazing gift because we know our time is precious...and we are "forced" to give ourselves more options in spending it. That's just the way it is. We just can't do things the same way all the time...especially if we're women. This often means we cultivate amazing courage because yes, we are...swimming against the tide. Now, this sounds like a total paradox, doesn't it? Aren't Autistics very ritualistic? Don't they HAVE to do things the same way every time? Depends on the person. Some do...that's true. But personally, I find that a solution can be to... sit back and relax. Okay, so I can't handle very much at one time. I have something built in that allows me to rest more. Granted, many times, there is too much to do, and I don't have the energy to do it. Everybody has this issue. Just that those with AS can be much more aware of it, because our systems tell us...amen? So, we get to be excellent managers of the energy and time that we do have. This is an excellent skill to have.
2. I'm not afraid of boredom. Do I like being bored? Of course not. In fact, this drives me nuts...BUT, it forces me to just "chill out.". Hey, why keep fighting with it? Yeah, I struggle with restlessness, but most of the time, this is because I'm afraid that my life won't be exciting enough for OTHER people...not for me. The truth is...it takes very very little to make me happy. So little in fact, that I'm afraid others won't think I'm interesting; or even worse...that I'm lazy and I don't care. This let's me know that when I'm bored, it's easy to remedy.
3. This leads me to number three. I don't need a lot of attention. In fact, many times, the less attention I have from others, the better, because this gives me a peace... No pressure. Just me, and my thoughts and ideas. My mind is free to go at its own pace. I don't struggle with being out of step because there's no one to be in step with. This doesn't have to be depressing, it can be very freeing.
(on the other hand, this changes drastically when I am forced to be sociable and do things with other people. I'm like the one little mushroom in "Fantasia" who's trying to do the same dance as the others, and can't. I'm hurried and nervous, and overwhelmed with directions. This interaction is often unnerving for me.
4. I absolutely can be IN THE MOMENT. A stereo type about AS is that we can't be in the moment because we have to have everything planned. Wrong. Aspies want to have things planed so that they know when they are FREE to be in the moment. It's our freedom we're after...not some rigid thing that never changes. The problem for us can come when others insist on taking us OUT of the moment...because of all their plans. (okay, we have to go do this now). The moment that it takes others to tell me some joke that I don't understand, is likely a moment that I WAS enjoying in my own way. In fact, I WAS so in the moment, that now, I'm really upset because I think the moment's been stolen from me, due to social pressure. I can't count the number of times when I have been truly grieved because in about 60 seconds, I had the perfect peace of mind, and the perfect thoughts. All of this is abruptly shattered because someone (bless their heart) decides to ask me how I'm doing. How could this possibly be as important as the beauty I'm seeing in my own mind?
5. We have long, long memories. We store our moments up...and we can remember them years later, as though they just happened. We can also connect things to seemingly random memories...years later. It's like our brains are huge filing cabinets, and we know what's in each file and can pull it up at any time. This may seem useless and not related to a thing, but, we can make room in our heads for things that many people don't have room for. Our biggest heart ache can be that the business of life doesn't leave us much room to do this.
6. This leads me to another HUGE stereotype. That people with AS are sort of on "auto pilot" all the time because they don't handle change well. Wrong. In my opinion. Many of the things that people must do in order to deal with daily life REQUIRE them to be on auto-pilot a lot of the time because they have to be. Autistic people suffer a lot of frustration because we are actually wanting desperately to break OUT of this pattern...not get into it because we can't handle change. We LOVE change...we LOVE exciting and new things...we just don't handle OTHER PEOPLE'S change well, because we then have to get into another person's... auto-pilot. In other words. This is their normalcy, this is what THEY are used to. This is THEIR routine. It's a reasoning process. We have to take things...even little things and make them our OWN before we are comfortable doing them. It is not change that does not allow people to do this...it's the need of others that we do things the same way every time...and be on "auto pilot". So many times, life just REQUIRES this of us...I get that. But I truly believe that many Autistics struggle terribly because of "routines" put in place by social norms that they are not allowed to break out of. So guess what? This means WE have a wonderful ability to be FLEXIBLE!!! I think the truly difficult part is that so much of the everyday, Neuro-typical world, is not able to allow for
6. I know exactly what I want. Believe it or not, my simplified life makes this very easy for me. I know exactly what I want when it comes to what I eat and drink, what I wear, my hair, my make-up and many other personal preferences. The stereo-type is that autistic people have trouble making decisions. We do? Umm, no...I usually want the same thing (most of the time)because I already know what works for me & what doesn't. What's indecisive about that? The problem comes because of all the excess information and choices an autistic person must "wade" through that have NOTHING to do with what they actually WANT. An autistic person only wants ONE thing...MAYBE two...and that's it. Simple. We'd rather not have the "sea" of choices we are often presented with. We've often made a decision long before we're actually faced with it...even with mundane things. Why should we be faulted when, despite only needing one option, we were presented with... way too many? Less is definitely more!
I know that sometimes, my mind becomes rather gloomy because delving into Autism, and everything that it seems to be...makes me feel less than. I know I'm NOT "less than" but it can be easy to get lost in overwhelming weakness and uncertainty. What can you do? Embrace yourself for who you are. Be as patient as you can with others, and know that you're just fine :)
.I was just thinking, I have found what I think is a huge blessing from having AS.
This got me to thinking about some of the major stereo types surrounding AS and what can be done to help deal with the negativity. I am not a doctor. These are my opinions based on my own experiences. This does not apply to everyone with AS. These are general observations...some written in the first person, some written to Autistics in general. Note: absolutely NO disrespect intended towards those who are not Autistic. I'm only trying to take some of the stereotypes of autism and turn them on their head! :)
The blessing is...
Learning to just roll with it. No no, I'm serious. I think when we have AS we can learn to just roll with it, even better than someone who doesn't have it. I find that for me personally, I know that I need a lot of assistance doing even little things that test my fine motor skills. Too many directions at once are confusing for me, things like that. Whether I like it or not, I've had to learn to be dependent on others in ways that maybe I'd rather not. But there are actually several pros to this:
Now, what makes AS tough, is that, for one thing, we often explain things "inside out" and then have to turn them around. (Like I just did). Did you catch that? I said there are several PROS to this & then pointed out what makes AS tough.
Sometimes, it's harder to allow people to help us than it is to keep on being fiercely independent. I've come to believe that it can be our independence on others that can help us form relationships with people. Since those with AS have many challenges when it comes to relationships, this need to accept others help can be a doorway of opportunity that helps US, rather than a huge burden that needs correcting.
1. So many people struggle with being stressed out & having too much to do, so many times many NT's just wish they knew how to back off and do less...not take on so much. With AS, this is built in...it's almost like we're born with it. We generally HAVE to bite things off in small pieces and know where our limits are... Because we often don't have much energy to begin with. This does not have to be a strike against us. In fact, it can be an amazing gift because we know our time is precious...and we are "forced" to give ourselves more options in spending it. That's just the way it is. We just can't do things the same way all the time...especially if we're women. This often means we cultivate amazing courage because yes, we are...swimming against the tide. Now, this sounds like a total paradox, doesn't it? Aren't Autistics very ritualistic? Don't they HAVE to do things the same way every time? Depends on the person. Some do...that's true. But personally, I find that a solution can be to... sit back and relax. Okay, so I can't handle very much at one time. I have something built in that allows me to rest more. Granted, many times, there is too much to do, and I don't have the energy to do it. Everybody has this issue. Just that those with AS can be much more aware of it, because our systems tell us...amen? So, we get to be excellent managers of the energy and time that we do have. This is an excellent skill to have.
2. I'm not afraid of boredom. Do I like being bored? Of course not. In fact, this drives me nuts...BUT, it forces me to just "chill out.". Hey, why keep fighting with it? Yeah, I struggle with restlessness, but most of the time, this is because I'm afraid that my life won't be exciting enough for OTHER people...not for me. The truth is...it takes very very little to make me happy. So little in fact, that I'm afraid others won't think I'm interesting; or even worse...that I'm lazy and I don't care. This let's me know that when I'm bored, it's easy to remedy.
3. This leads me to number three. I don't need a lot of attention. In fact, many times, the less attention I have from others, the better, because this gives me a peace... No pressure. Just me, and my thoughts and ideas. My mind is free to go at its own pace. I don't struggle with being out of step because there's no one to be in step with. This doesn't have to be depressing, it can be very freeing.
(on the other hand, this changes drastically when I am forced to be sociable and do things with other people. I'm like the one little mushroom in "Fantasia" who's trying to do the same dance as the others, and can't. I'm hurried and nervous, and overwhelmed with directions. This interaction is often unnerving for me.
4. I absolutely can be IN THE MOMENT. A stereo type about AS is that we can't be in the moment because we have to have everything planned. Wrong. Aspies want to have things planed so that they know when they are FREE to be in the moment. It's our freedom we're after...not some rigid thing that never changes. The problem for us can come when others insist on taking us OUT of the moment...because of all their plans. (okay, we have to go do this now). The moment that it takes others to tell me some joke that I don't understand, is likely a moment that I WAS enjoying in my own way. In fact, I WAS so in the moment, that now, I'm really upset because I think the moment's been stolen from me, due to social pressure. I can't count the number of times when I have been truly grieved because in about 60 seconds, I had the perfect peace of mind, and the perfect thoughts. All of this is abruptly shattered because someone (bless their heart) decides to ask me how I'm doing. How could this possibly be as important as the beauty I'm seeing in my own mind?
5. We have long, long memories. We store our moments up...and we can remember them years later, as though they just happened. We can also connect things to seemingly random memories...years later. It's like our brains are huge filing cabinets, and we know what's in each file and can pull it up at any time. This may seem useless and not related to a thing, but, we can make room in our heads for things that many people don't have room for. Our biggest heart ache can be that the business of life doesn't leave us much room to do this.
6. This leads me to another HUGE stereotype. That people with AS are sort of on "auto pilot" all the time because they don't handle change well. Wrong. In my opinion. Many of the things that people must do in order to deal with daily life REQUIRE them to be on auto-pilot a lot of the time because they have to be. Autistic people suffer a lot of frustration because we are actually wanting desperately to break OUT of this pattern...not get into it because we can't handle change. We LOVE change...we LOVE exciting and new things...we just don't handle OTHER PEOPLE'S change well, because we then have to get into another person's... auto-pilot. In other words. This is their normalcy, this is what THEY are used to. This is THEIR routine. It's a reasoning process. We have to take things...even little things and make them our OWN before we are comfortable doing them. It is not change that does not allow people to do this...it's the need of others that we do things the same way every time...and be on "auto pilot". So many times, life just REQUIRES this of us...I get that. But I truly believe that many Autistics struggle terribly because of "routines" put in place by social norms that they are not allowed to break out of. So guess what? This means WE have a wonderful ability to be FLEXIBLE!!! I think the truly difficult part is that so much of the everyday, Neuro-typical world, is not able to allow for
6. I know exactly what I want. Believe it or not, my simplified life makes this very easy for me. I know exactly what I want when it comes to what I eat and drink, what I wear, my hair, my make-up and many other personal preferences. The stereo-type is that autistic people have trouble making decisions. We do? Umm, no...I usually want the same thing (most of the time)because I already know what works for me & what doesn't. What's indecisive about that? The problem comes because of all the excess information and choices an autistic person must "wade" through that have NOTHING to do with what they actually WANT. An autistic person only wants ONE thing...MAYBE two...and that's it. Simple. We'd rather not have the "sea" of choices we are often presented with. We've often made a decision long before we're actually faced with it...even with mundane things. Why should we be faulted when, despite only needing one option, we were presented with... way too many? Less is definitely more!
I know that sometimes, my mind becomes rather gloomy because delving into Autism, and everything that it seems to be...makes me feel less than. I know I'm NOT "less than" but it can be easy to get lost in overwhelming weakness and uncertainty. What can you do? Embrace yourself for who you are. Be as patient as you can with others, and know that you're just fine :)
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
What can I do?
Duh?? But I thought... I once asked a a question on a popular AS Facebook page that said: "What are some things you ladies do to cope with sudden changes in life?"
I became alarmed when I got NO responses (!!!). An inevitable part of AS and Autism is mood swings and anxiety, which can cause meltdowns. Sudden, unexpected changes can put this process in high gear. So, I thought I would share with you a few simple things I do (or try to do) to make changes and transitions easier. Now I'm no doctor, and certain conditions need a doctor's diagnosis, care etc. Use your best judgement at knowing when to see a physician.
1. Learn to say NO
This is a HUGE one, so I'll start off with that. One of my favorite songs says it best: "There'll never be an end to the request upon your time. It's your place to stand up & tell the world you gotta rest a while.". I know this can be super hard for us super sensitive Aspies, but sometimes it's the only way. If you're like me, you also struggle with an internal guilt because you really LOVE your "cave" and your alone time. As in, too much. :) Just as sometimes, we have to make ourselves get up and function...sometimes, we need to do the opposite. When you need some ME time, take it. Believe it or not, you CAN say no to some of the countless functions and activities that your friends, family and co-workers are just determined that you join (especially if they know you have a tendency to "hibernate," and they feel it's their duty to "bring you out of your shell". Be careful. Sometimes we need to be in the shell for a while to recharge. Take your time. This can be especially critical around the holidays.
2. Make a List
This is something that will help you prepare for later when you DO have anxiety & tension. What things help you settle down? For me, usually it's certain tastes in my mouth: hard candy, or Hershey's kisses, a cold Pepsi? Maybe 3x5 cards with meditations, Bible verses, or favorite quotes. For some, having something to hold, or squeeze helps with stimming and helps take the edge off when nerves are on end. Try to keep these things with you...in your purse, bag, briefcase, pockets, backpack, lunch bag or in your car.
3. Step Outside
This is not always possible, but, whenever the situation permits, go get some air. This can help you get your thoughts together and calm down.
4. Take some deep breaths
This is for those times when you can't step outside or take a restroom break. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. Stand with your feet shoulder width apart and slowly breathe through your nose, this way, you take a much deeper breath and that helps your body relax.
5. Say it with Music
I have certain music I use that helps me calm down. Keep your favorite device & headphones with you. Organize your favorite playlists, or download your favorite music on to CD's. Nature sounds also work wonderfully for this. I love ocean waves, myself. Note: this can help a lot with sleep as well. Concentrating on music, comforting words or sounds can lessen anxiety and stress at night.
6. Reward Yourself
When facing something that perhaps you're are dreading to do, think of ways to reward yourself in the process. Make a special stop for example. Is there a favorite restaurant or coffee place on the way home? A bookstore, a look at antiques, is there a movie you really want to see? Go see it now! Note: sometimes a reward can become something as simple as a walk to the vending machine, if you're at work all day, or waiting at the hospital, say. Sit in your car & listen to a favorite radio program maybe.
7. Know your Triggers
This can be another list. For instance, I tend to get tension headaches, so I keep some pain reliever with me, just in case. If I really anticipate a stressful day, I'll even take it in the morning before I get started with the day. I also get butterflies in the stomach sometimes, so I keep some pepto tablets or antacids handy too. Now, I don't recommend using these things everyday. I only keep them just in case other things don't work, or are not practical.
8. Go Natural
I have two bottles of drops on my kitchen counter. They are both plant extracts that I got at a health food store. One says: anxiety and tension on the label, the other says failure and inadequacy. They are formulas designed for each. I take three drops of each on my tongue in the morning when I get up. Now I'm not giving away any names because different things work for different people, and some things don't work for certain people. I'll just say that they work for me... and with no side effects or higher doses. Do your research. There are a lot of supplements and remedies out there for anxiety, tension, and mood changes that really work, and have no side effects. They're natural. Just make sure you read up on them and use them correctly :)
9. Take Sheldon's Advice
On "The Big Bang Theory," whenever someone is upset, Sheldon offers them a hot beverage. Course, with Sheldon, this is not optional. This person is being comforted...whether they like it or not! :). But personally, I find that Sheldon's advice works...and you have as many options as you like! Hot tea, hot chocolate, hot cider, hot buttered rum :). You name it...it's quite comforting. Anything from Starbucks works! Just settle in and sip slowly...try it...I dare you! :)
10. Make A Space
Weather it is your bedroom, a corner of your house, or even a closet. Find a space in your house that you can make a refuge. A place that you can go to for relaxing when you're stressed. Fill it with things that comfort you: books, journals, favorite pillows, candles, CD's, favorite artwork, the sky's the limit! Just keep it simple, so the space doesn't defeat it's purpose. This can be where you go, say, during or after a meltdown. The best spaces can be one's that are not even in the house. :) my ideal space is one where I can shut out all lights and sound if I want to. Just do the best you can, and relax! :)
Hopefully, these things can help with stress anxiety and the Meltdowns that come with Autism and AS.
I became alarmed when I got NO responses (!!!). An inevitable part of AS and Autism is mood swings and anxiety, which can cause meltdowns. Sudden, unexpected changes can put this process in high gear. So, I thought I would share with you a few simple things I do (or try to do) to make changes and transitions easier. Now I'm no doctor, and certain conditions need a doctor's diagnosis, care etc. Use your best judgement at knowing when to see a physician.
1. Learn to say NO
This is a HUGE one, so I'll start off with that. One of my favorite songs says it best: "There'll never be an end to the request upon your time. It's your place to stand up & tell the world you gotta rest a while.". I know this can be super hard for us super sensitive Aspies, but sometimes it's the only way. If you're like me, you also struggle with an internal guilt because you really LOVE your "cave" and your alone time. As in, too much. :) Just as sometimes, we have to make ourselves get up and function...sometimes, we need to do the opposite. When you need some ME time, take it. Believe it or not, you CAN say no to some of the countless functions and activities that your friends, family and co-workers are just determined that you join (especially if they know you have a tendency to "hibernate," and they feel it's their duty to "bring you out of your shell". Be careful. Sometimes we need to be in the shell for a while to recharge. Take your time. This can be especially critical around the holidays.
2. Make a List
This is something that will help you prepare for later when you DO have anxiety & tension. What things help you settle down? For me, usually it's certain tastes in my mouth: hard candy, or Hershey's kisses, a cold Pepsi? Maybe 3x5 cards with meditations, Bible verses, or favorite quotes. For some, having something to hold, or squeeze helps with stimming and helps take the edge off when nerves are on end. Try to keep these things with you...in your purse, bag, briefcase, pockets, backpack, lunch bag or in your car.
3. Step Outside
This is not always possible, but, whenever the situation permits, go get some air. This can help you get your thoughts together and calm down.
4. Take some deep breaths
This is for those times when you can't step outside or take a restroom break. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. Stand with your feet shoulder width apart and slowly breathe through your nose, this way, you take a much deeper breath and that helps your body relax.
5. Say it with Music
I have certain music I use that helps me calm down. Keep your favorite device & headphones with you. Organize your favorite playlists, or download your favorite music on to CD's. Nature sounds also work wonderfully for this. I love ocean waves, myself. Note: this can help a lot with sleep as well. Concentrating on music, comforting words or sounds can lessen anxiety and stress at night.
6. Reward Yourself
When facing something that perhaps you're are dreading to do, think of ways to reward yourself in the process. Make a special stop for example. Is there a favorite restaurant or coffee place on the way home? A bookstore, a look at antiques, is there a movie you really want to see? Go see it now! Note: sometimes a reward can become something as simple as a walk to the vending machine, if you're at work all day, or waiting at the hospital, say. Sit in your car & listen to a favorite radio program maybe.
7. Know your Triggers
This can be another list. For instance, I tend to get tension headaches, so I keep some pain reliever with me, just in case. If I really anticipate a stressful day, I'll even take it in the morning before I get started with the day. I also get butterflies in the stomach sometimes, so I keep some pepto tablets or antacids handy too. Now, I don't recommend using these things everyday. I only keep them just in case other things don't work, or are not practical.
8. Go Natural
I have two bottles of drops on my kitchen counter. They are both plant extracts that I got at a health food store. One says: anxiety and tension on the label, the other says failure and inadequacy. They are formulas designed for each. I take three drops of each on my tongue in the morning when I get up. Now I'm not giving away any names because different things work for different people, and some things don't work for certain people. I'll just say that they work for me... and with no side effects or higher doses. Do your research. There are a lot of supplements and remedies out there for anxiety, tension, and mood changes that really work, and have no side effects. They're natural. Just make sure you read up on them and use them correctly :)
9. Take Sheldon's Advice
On "The Big Bang Theory," whenever someone is upset, Sheldon offers them a hot beverage. Course, with Sheldon, this is not optional. This person is being comforted...whether they like it or not! :). But personally, I find that Sheldon's advice works...and you have as many options as you like! Hot tea, hot chocolate, hot cider, hot buttered rum :). You name it...it's quite comforting. Anything from Starbucks works! Just settle in and sip slowly...try it...I dare you! :)
10. Make A Space
Weather it is your bedroom, a corner of your house, or even a closet. Find a space in your house that you can make a refuge. A place that you can go to for relaxing when you're stressed. Fill it with things that comfort you: books, journals, favorite pillows, candles, CD's, favorite artwork, the sky's the limit! Just keep it simple, so the space doesn't defeat it's purpose. This can be where you go, say, during or after a meltdown. The best spaces can be one's that are not even in the house. :) my ideal space is one where I can shut out all lights and sound if I want to. Just do the best you can, and relax! :)
Hopefully, these things can help with stress anxiety and the Meltdowns that come with Autism and AS.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Ripe Old Age :)
Duh?? But I thought...
What is it like for those who are elderly and have AS? Not even sure what made me think of this. Are there a lot of symptoms of AS that are simply attributed to "aging," and lost on most people...maybe even the person with AS? :). Does AS become worse as we age, or does it seem to, because we ARE aging? Hmmmm... I've read on various pages and things, that it does seem to become worse as we age. I suppose it all depends. For instance, women (in particular) with AS, can have a lot of difficulty with fine motor skills and depth perception. They can also have poor muscle tone. Doesn't all this tend to get worse as we age anyway? Usually. But how much more profound would it be for someone who always had issues with these things, and aging is making it all much worse? Now, most people with AS tend to have very long memories; but oftentimes our short term memories really fail us. We must have things repeated for us many times. I know I need this a lot! :). In fact, this is how things make it into my long term memory. I'm pretty sure, this is how it works for NTs too, but as usual, for those with AS, it tends to be more frustrating and more profound.
Anyway, I know I have often gotten a reputation for not listening, not paying attention, and not caring what others are saying. I often can't retain what was said to me until I hear myself say it. I don't know why...I'll have to ask God one day. But anyway, people can become upset and frustrated with me... "I just said that!". That kinda thing. So, how is it when all of this is exacerbated by age? Sensory difficulties, sensitivity to light and sound; difficulty retaining what is said to you because your brain must process all that is going on around you, (stimuli)and it might be that the aging process has caused all these things to be even more profound than they already were. Can we have enough patience to say the same thing a thousand times... to be understanding when someone steps right on us or backs into us, because they literally don't know where their body is in terms of space? This is WEIRD, yes...at least, I think so. And I hate it! But it happens to me all this time! Can AS possibly be confused with Alzheimer's? I don't know. And I'm no doctor. This makes me wonder how much worse Alzheimer's is made if someone also has AS or HFA (??).
The thing is, it's expected that someone who is aging will have things like memory loss, moodiness, poor coordination and balance, that kinda thing. So how often are the intense challenges and struggles of someone with AS masked by aging? Add to this, the fact that many elderly people living with AS have been living with it all their lives... But nobody knew what it was! What do you have to tell yourself all your life just to make it through? How many elderly folks today just grew up with the label of "slow," "clumsy," or even "retarded"? Maybe they struggled socially and academically at school. Maybe boys were bullied terribly, but their parents just thought "Boys will be boys"? So can we discern AS or autism in an elderly person, and if so...how do we tell? I'm not sure. Hmmm...how would one even find out more about this? I wonder...
What is it like for those who are elderly and have AS? Not even sure what made me think of this. Are there a lot of symptoms of AS that are simply attributed to "aging," and lost on most people...maybe even the person with AS? :). Does AS become worse as we age, or does it seem to, because we ARE aging? Hmmmm... I've read on various pages and things, that it does seem to become worse as we age. I suppose it all depends. For instance, women (in particular) with AS, can have a lot of difficulty with fine motor skills and depth perception. They can also have poor muscle tone. Doesn't all this tend to get worse as we age anyway? Usually. But how much more profound would it be for someone who always had issues with these things, and aging is making it all much worse? Now, most people with AS tend to have very long memories; but oftentimes our short term memories really fail us. We must have things repeated for us many times. I know I need this a lot! :). In fact, this is how things make it into my long term memory. I'm pretty sure, this is how it works for NTs too, but as usual, for those with AS, it tends to be more frustrating and more profound.
Anyway, I know I have often gotten a reputation for not listening, not paying attention, and not caring what others are saying. I often can't retain what was said to me until I hear myself say it. I don't know why...I'll have to ask God one day. But anyway, people can become upset and frustrated with me... "I just said that!". That kinda thing. So, how is it when all of this is exacerbated by age? Sensory difficulties, sensitivity to light and sound; difficulty retaining what is said to you because your brain must process all that is going on around you, (stimuli)and it might be that the aging process has caused all these things to be even more profound than they already were. Can we have enough patience to say the same thing a thousand times... to be understanding when someone steps right on us or backs into us, because they literally don't know where their body is in terms of space? This is WEIRD, yes...at least, I think so. And I hate it! But it happens to me all this time! Can AS possibly be confused with Alzheimer's? I don't know. And I'm no doctor. This makes me wonder how much worse Alzheimer's is made if someone also has AS or HFA (??).
The thing is, it's expected that someone who is aging will have things like memory loss, moodiness, poor coordination and balance, that kinda thing. So how often are the intense challenges and struggles of someone with AS masked by aging? Add to this, the fact that many elderly people living with AS have been living with it all their lives... But nobody knew what it was! What do you have to tell yourself all your life just to make it through? How many elderly folks today just grew up with the label of "slow," "clumsy," or even "retarded"? Maybe they struggled socially and academically at school. Maybe boys were bullied terribly, but their parents just thought "Boys will be boys"? So can we discern AS or autism in an elderly person, and if so...how do we tell? I'm not sure. Hmmm...how would one even find out more about this? I wonder...
Monday, October 21, 2013
Almost There...(Still)
Duh?? But I thought...
I saw a You Tube video about a girl who has HFA. The video demonstrates a typical day for her, dealing with her sensory issues and normal worries. Her dad does a voice over, and says: "In some ways, I think her having HFA can even be harder than if she were severely Autistic; because, you seem to spend your whole life being almost there...and then the disability takes over, and she realizes again, that she didn't quite make it. Whereas, if a person is severely autistic, their limitations can be much more clearly defined, and also their abilities." I think he was trying to say that there may not be as many grey areas for someone with severe autism, and this can make things less complicated overall (??). Hmmm... I am thankful to God for all of the ability that I have. What a gift!
This morning I saw a FB post from a page dealing with Autism and AS, from a person who is worried because they are an adult now, and their parents are getting older. People around this person are telling them that they need to get their life together and be an adult (because of the age of their parents). I can relate. Personally, I know that God gives everyone different strengths and weaknesses for a reason. He places different people in our lives, not just because we need them, but because they need us too. But it's no mystery that Autistics often don't reach normal milestones that show development at the typical time that others around them do. Hey, in many cases we DO reach them, and we do it well. But I think we often feel an acute sense of alienation, because we seem to live so much of our life, "out of gear" from most around us. Now our lives are so full of specific mercies and graces that God tailors to our situation and circumstances. Things that we would never know, were it not for the "weaknesses" in our lives that allow his strength to show.
What happens when someone comes of age (as it were) and they've been of age for a long time, but are still dependent on adults in ways that they dearly wish they were not? What if there seems to be no way to fix it, and so they must give into the weakness and allow others to help them? What better way to demonstrate God's grace, right? But here's where the fear comes in: The adults around this adult are getting older, they're tired (maybe they're hurting because they can't do a lot of things they used to). The one thing those of us with disabilities do not want is to be a burden to those around us. It breaks our hearts when we start out with so much passion, drive and enthusiasm to do the right thing (this we have droves of energy for) and then we get that feeling of "drop" as we must come to the realization that our bodies and senses are not able to handle the day to day processes of... working an 8hr a day job, or driving a car, handling multiple directions at once, dealing with bright lights, loud noises, and the overwhelming feeling that we just want to hide under a blanket and cry. There's a torrent of questions that run through our minds all the time. Sometimes, one of them is: Do I completely suck as a human being?" Ouch.
Now, as depressing as this is, I think we ALL have asked this at times of ourselves. I'm not saying that this is exclusive to those with disabilities...it isn't. But as we with disabilities get older, it becomes harder and harder to deal with the "burden" that we are a burden to others, I think. Sometimes we hate the fact that we feel like a little toddler learning to walk and we need a stronger, wiser, more capable adult to lean on to help us up the stairs of life. Add to this, the fear that those who make up our support system ARE getting older. Sometimes we fear that they will die and leave us. Then what?? What do we do when we feel like we're sliding around on thin ice and we're only trying to keep from sliding. We need to hold somebody's hand for that, but we feel rotten for sort of "attaching" to someone else. We're an adult now, right? Many of us also have a "crippling" fear that those we have to depend on, might secretly hate us. Because we can't seem to grow up. We can't get our lives together. We seem to always need the same assistance for the same things, and so we are forced to find different ways of measuring our successes in life, that usually are not the more noticeable successes of most of those around us.
Who wants to live with a spirit of fear (especially when God has not given us a spirit of fear)? So the guilt becomes thicker. Sometimes it seems to eat at our hearts like a moth eats at an old sweater. We know, we can't attach to other people THAT much, so we develop other attachments, vices, and methods of coping that often are unconventional and can seem childish, even. We have a Heavenly Father who understands. Anyone, who wants to ask me why I believe in God, it's that simple. He is the empathy that I often do not show to others...and not because of any Autism. It's because I'm self centered and want my own agenda, with the least amount of complication. Hey, doesn't everybody?
I saw a You Tube video about a girl who has HFA. The video demonstrates a typical day for her, dealing with her sensory issues and normal worries. Her dad does a voice over, and says: "In some ways, I think her having HFA can even be harder than if she were severely Autistic; because, you seem to spend your whole life being almost there...and then the disability takes over, and she realizes again, that she didn't quite make it. Whereas, if a person is severely autistic, their limitations can be much more clearly defined, and also their abilities." I think he was trying to say that there may not be as many grey areas for someone with severe autism, and this can make things less complicated overall (??). Hmmm... I am thankful to God for all of the ability that I have. What a gift!
This morning I saw a FB post from a page dealing with Autism and AS, from a person who is worried because they are an adult now, and their parents are getting older. People around this person are telling them that they need to get their life together and be an adult (because of the age of their parents). I can relate. Personally, I know that God gives everyone different strengths and weaknesses for a reason. He places different people in our lives, not just because we need them, but because they need us too. But it's no mystery that Autistics often don't reach normal milestones that show development at the typical time that others around them do. Hey, in many cases we DO reach them, and we do it well. But I think we often feel an acute sense of alienation, because we seem to live so much of our life, "out of gear" from most around us. Now our lives are so full of specific mercies and graces that God tailors to our situation and circumstances. Things that we would never know, were it not for the "weaknesses" in our lives that allow his strength to show.
What happens when someone comes of age (as it were) and they've been of age for a long time, but are still dependent on adults in ways that they dearly wish they were not? What if there seems to be no way to fix it, and so they must give into the weakness and allow others to help them? What better way to demonstrate God's grace, right? But here's where the fear comes in: The adults around this adult are getting older, they're tired (maybe they're hurting because they can't do a lot of things they used to). The one thing those of us with disabilities do not want is to be a burden to those around us. It breaks our hearts when we start out with so much passion, drive and enthusiasm to do the right thing (this we have droves of energy for) and then we get that feeling of "drop" as we must come to the realization that our bodies and senses are not able to handle the day to day processes of... working an 8hr a day job, or driving a car, handling multiple directions at once, dealing with bright lights, loud noises, and the overwhelming feeling that we just want to hide under a blanket and cry. There's a torrent of questions that run through our minds all the time. Sometimes, one of them is: Do I completely suck as a human being?" Ouch.
Now, as depressing as this is, I think we ALL have asked this at times of ourselves. I'm not saying that this is exclusive to those with disabilities...it isn't. But as we with disabilities get older, it becomes harder and harder to deal with the "burden" that we are a burden to others, I think. Sometimes we hate the fact that we feel like a little toddler learning to walk and we need a stronger, wiser, more capable adult to lean on to help us up the stairs of life. Add to this, the fear that those who make up our support system ARE getting older. Sometimes we fear that they will die and leave us. Then what?? What do we do when we feel like we're sliding around on thin ice and we're only trying to keep from sliding. We need to hold somebody's hand for that, but we feel rotten for sort of "attaching" to someone else. We're an adult now, right? Many of us also have a "crippling" fear that those we have to depend on, might secretly hate us. Because we can't seem to grow up. We can't get our lives together. We seem to always need the same assistance for the same things, and so we are forced to find different ways of measuring our successes in life, that usually are not the more noticeable successes of most of those around us.
Who wants to live with a spirit of fear (especially when God has not given us a spirit of fear)? So the guilt becomes thicker. Sometimes it seems to eat at our hearts like a moth eats at an old sweater. We know, we can't attach to other people THAT much, so we develop other attachments, vices, and methods of coping that often are unconventional and can seem childish, even. We have a Heavenly Father who understands. Anyone, who wants to ask me why I believe in God, it's that simple. He is the empathy that I often do not show to others...and not because of any Autism. It's because I'm self centered and want my own agenda, with the least amount of complication. Hey, doesn't everybody?
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Noises Off
Duh?? But I thought...
Sometimes what goes on inside is so all consuming that the physical body has no energy. Forgive me for the times I say way too much and seem to dump it all on your head. Quiet, sweet, full of wisdom...sure. But it feels like there's a volcano inside that threatens to erupt. It's energy, that I never seem to get rid of. When relaxing takes effort, you know you're in trouble, right? I wish I could run and run and run....but it's not going to happen. It's like there's another person and she's trapped inside me. The more she tries to get free, the more (she) is restrained. What do I do? It's like I'm underwater, swimming towards the surface, needing to concentrate...where is the top? Nothing can be released until I reach it. I finally make it, the air hits my lungs and this long scream wants to ring out. But it can't.
I must be reserved, in tact...and sociable. So, I am, I suppose...should I have a script? I just want to hold on to an idea, or thought...maybe one I had when I was "under the water.". Everyone wants to talk. Can I make room for what they want to say? I'll try. But excuse me if I need to step out. Sorry if I don't look at you or answer your question.
Don't worry, it is not your fault I want to just pull a blanket over my head. It's just too much? The light, the sound, the voices everywhere around.
My own thoughts won't leave me be, and I need to turn everything off.
Sometimes what goes on inside is so all consuming that the physical body has no energy. Forgive me for the times I say way too much and seem to dump it all on your head. Quiet, sweet, full of wisdom...sure. But it feels like there's a volcano inside that threatens to erupt. It's energy, that I never seem to get rid of. When relaxing takes effort, you know you're in trouble, right? I wish I could run and run and run....but it's not going to happen. It's like there's another person and she's trapped inside me. The more she tries to get free, the more (she) is restrained. What do I do? It's like I'm underwater, swimming towards the surface, needing to concentrate...where is the top? Nothing can be released until I reach it. I finally make it, the air hits my lungs and this long scream wants to ring out. But it can't.
I must be reserved, in tact...and sociable. So, I am, I suppose...should I have a script? I just want to hold on to an idea, or thought...maybe one I had when I was "under the water.". Everyone wants to talk. Can I make room for what they want to say? I'll try. But excuse me if I need to step out. Sorry if I don't look at you or answer your question.
Don't worry, it is not your fault I want to just pull a blanket over my head. It's just too much? The light, the sound, the voices everywhere around.
My own thoughts won't leave me be, and I need to turn everything off.
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