God and Church...

I tend to need to see things in black & white. The thing is, I don't THINK I see them in black & white. In my head, issues are multi-layered and complicated. They usually bog me down & stress me out. I've always found it very easy to relate to Jesus because he had to be very brave because he was so different.

It seems nothing ever comes out of my mouth the way it is in my head... And can always tell something is not quite right. I tend to wish I could explain things differently... But there isn't enough time in the day. People have lives to get on with. However, God can handle any explanation I may need to give to anything...no matter how long it way take! When I can't give spoken explanations to things, I feel as though I'm being suffocated. I have to explain every little thing all the time, no matter how insignificant it may be.

In school, I got in trouble a lot for talking about people instead of to them... Got into hot water for mumbling under my breath. I once heard a psychologist explain that for some people, things don't get into their brain unless they hear themselves say everything. To many people, this is extremely annoying because they think the person is paying no attention because they're just repeating everything (almost like a parrot). Now I take great care to make sure I do not 'copy" people because I know that is really irritating... But I need to hear myself say most everything. Thing is, with God, none of this applies because He listen's and understands perfectly... And with perfect patience! The only problem is that I literally find myself wanting to shut out the rest of the world all the time, so I can tell God about whatever storm is raging inside.

Real life experience, and responsibility won't allow this. Real life sucks. In truth, there's always a part of me that hurts because I can't just be alone with my thoughts & prayers. I know many Christians experience this because their heart is with the Lord, though they must walk the path everyday. But somehow for me, it's more chronic. These deep waves of emotion and concern fill me... And they seem to leave no room for mundane tasks. Sometimes I'll forget the most common things because I'm too busy writing or researching something or praying about things that never stop coming to mind. I call this my undercurrent. It's what's going on under the "self" that everybody sees. It's very strong and sometimes I drown in it... My only refuge being a quiet, dark place where I can sort all these feelings out... Quick before they start to crush me!

Okay...Church. Church is wonderful because it's a body of believers who come together for the same purpose. Church is intimidating because there is no shell I can crawl into. It's exposure. I must be right in the middle of all these people wanting to know "how I'm doing.". Oh God. This is the hardest question in the world for me to answer because of the "undercurrent" and because my answers are usually painfully different from anyone else's.

I don't have a car, I don't drive. I don't have a 9 to 5 job (and I'm glad I don't). I tried to go on in college, and really could not afford it, so that was out. Others might say what a blessing this is because I get to be unique. True. I agree with that. But a lot of times, I really do feel like the walls are closing in on me. I can't tell them about Gary McKinnon. I can't tell them he's been fighting possible extradition to the US for TEN YEARS (!!!). I can't tell them I think this is a disgrace! (My eyes would tear up). How crazy is that? They'd never know who he is. His story isn't common knowledge over here. I can't tell them that Greta Garbo was in a movie called "Camille" that makes me cry every time I see it. (It's been about 75 years, why would they care?).

But I'm no good when it comes to talking about rising gas prices or what goes on at work because I don't experience those things. Now, I don't always "not" fit in. I have my moments too, but most of the time I find them shallow and not worth very much... So I go back to my own little corner. I have to constantly remember that small talk is very important because it makes me feel connected to others & lets them be connected with me.

I know I really do need this, and others need it too... But a lot of times I have to force myself, it doesn't come naturally. So, maybe you can see now why sometimes it's rather difficult for me to hear over & over that I'm not to live by my feelings. This is true, I'm not. But I read everything through feelings that are turned on or off by words. If this is how I see the world, how do I not live by it? Does this mean I have AS? Not necessarily. However, it sure would explain a lot! I need an objective diagnosis and I cannot afford the medical tests necessary. All I can do now is pray that someday that circumstance will change.

Forgiveness and grudges: I don't want to say how much I kick myself for being unable to "let things go.". How much have I punished myself because I can't seem to "get over it.". There always seems to come a point where something cuts so deeply that I find myself having to separate from others. My only wish in doing this is to stop the hurt and uncertainty. I never seem to really learn that when I "handle" it this way, I'm just leaving the problem suspended in mid air, not solving it. I'm always worried about the kind of person this makes me... "How could you?"... That sorta thing.

I do no how to get off myself and feel empathy for others, but I often don't express this well. I turn everything inward and internalize it, and have to see it through the lens of ME... But I worry that this only Ames me conceited and selfish. Sometimes I feel like screaming... I DON'T REALLY MEAN TO BE LIKE THIS!! So what does it say in scripture about our father in Heaven not forgiving us when we don't forgive others? I'm not really afraid that God won't forgive me... But I have the worst time knowing when I've forgiven someone else. I tend to play things over and over in my head because I can't get over the intensity. The hurt stabs me again & again like knives, and it is incredibly difficult for me to get past things.

Even when I love the people involved with all my heart. It breaks my heart to think that I'd Ever displease God by hurting my brothers or sisters. I hate that. But sometimes the storm within me is so strong that I have to vacate a situation. I can't "explain" what's going on because the emotions are so strong they'll just slam somebody like a punch in the face. Nobody needs that. It's not fair, and it doesn't solve anything. As a result, I tend to suddenly pop up in various places (church being one of them) almost as though I've comme back from the dead (where have you been??) that sorta thing.

How do you tell people that life got so intense you couldn't deal with it? This makes me sound like this undependable, irresponsible, uncaring person who has no empathy for anyone else. Great. Now what do I do? My profound apologies to anyone hurt because I suddenly disappeared from their life. Mainly, I just don't want the tempest raging inside to spill all over others (because of the hurt it would cause both them and me). But this is when I remember that Jesus probably always had an "undercurrent" inside him too. The thing is... He overcame his. How do I overcome mine?

A Life of Steps

I am now seriously wondering whether alcoholism could possibly be an after-affect (if you will) to AS. As mentioned before, I do not know whether I have AS or not...I would like to be tested to see. But in reading about AS and researching it, I'm fining a lot of traits associated with this condition have been present in me, also in several family members. A few of these members were (and are) alcoholics. Now, again...I'm no doctor & am not qualified to diagnose anything. But it seems to me that the severe ups and down's that can come with AS, coupled with the nervousness and isolation could lead to anxiety and depression. This, coupled with the irritability one can go through from fighting a looming sense of dread, can lead people to search for some sort of relief...something to calm them down...wouldn't you think? Anyway...thinking back to when I was a kid... Those around me who were alcoholics were, for some reason, even more irritable & short-tempered when they were not under the influence than when they were. This always puzzled me because I could never figure out what had set them off in the first place. If someone were "drunk" than I KNEW that they were completely unbearable because the alcohol had taken them over. But what about all the times when this was NOT the case? In an alcoholic's world, they become unbearable and then need the anesthesia of the alcohol to calm down. In a sober family member's world, the alcoholic becomes unbearable when they're drunk. (At least when this person is sober, there are some wonderful moments). But this brings me back to my original point: what about all the times that an alcoholic has alcoholic behavior... But no alcohol? Now, don't get me wrong, this pattern can be attributed to many things. Alcoholism is psychological, but it's also learned behavior. Oftentimes, when an alcoholic is sober, their true colors show. It's during these times that we remember what wonderful people they are...but often, both we and they are remind why they drink in the first place. (then WE need a drink, yeah?). Anyway, to examine it further, I'm just going to tie alcoholism in with traits of alcoholism as best I can. The alcoholics I've known all seemed to have the following in common: An obsession with (seemingly) trivial things. A continual need to verbalize everything in obsessive ways. A tendency to lash out at a loss of control over some ritual or pattern. A phenomenal memory and a desire to converse about deep subject most others seem uninterested in. A frustrating pattern of "Patterns": Explaining the same thing again & again; asking the same question over & over; a need for mundane things to be done the way every time. Frequently checking others behaviors for consistency. An over-all suspicion of others motives; and a general belief that others have "got it in" for them. Some sort of highly developed artistic ability and very sensitive hearing. (??) Seemingly easily paranoid (generally). Sudden intense anger or emotional reaction to seemingly little things. Little or no acknowledgement that anyone else has been hurt by their actions. A general inability to apologize or show empathy, followed by a demand that people forgive & forget. Bringing every conversation back to themselves & how they are affected by life, no matter who or what is being talked about. All of these are distinct traits that I have noticed in those around me who are/were alcoholics. How many of these generally apply to those who deal with AS? Now, I realize, we must also keep in mind that AS affects women differently than men. I am certainly not saying that all people who have AS are alcoholics, or vice versa. But I wanted to examine this because as a child, I remember having this profound need to understand why certain people around me were so terribly irrational and angry. I reasoned that it was the drinking... But what MADE them drink? What made them soooo in need of some sort of an escape? Why did they seem to be so controlling and rigid when it came to the behavior of others? Even after being in program for sometime, I reasoned it was purely the alcohol that was to blame for these behaviors, and my willingness to look at underlying causes seemed seared or burned by the alcoholic's lack of empathy or understanding. I would then reason that the alcoholic simply cared more about his addiction than about me or how I felt. But what CAUSED all this? I spent many hours trying to figure this out... Child abuse? Possibly. Low self esteem? For sure, but what caused the low self esteem? Anyway, even with all of this, there was one major thing that I could never get my head around... Why was there seemingly an inability to even admit that there was ever any wrong doing? I mean, people can go through horrendous personal circumstances and still be able to admit wrong-doings. I would just chalk it up to the alcohol clouding judgement and making this person irrational, but again, what about all the times that they were perfectly sober? I've heard many a debate on whether alcoholism is genetic. I personally don't believe that alcoholism is genetic... But I think it's possible that AS might be. An over-riding irony in all this, is that the recovery process involves a systematic series of steps... 12 of them. These are steps that truly did "restore" me to sanity when I was a teenager, and even today. I thank God for this "program" which has quite literally helped me manage myself... Step by step. But how much more of an affect would a 12 step program have on a person with AS who most likely would feel much more secure with a program or method to help ease their tension and help their anxiety. This is very intriguing to me! And when you consider that the 12 steps of treatment don't have to be limited to the abuse of alcohol... can they help someone with AS to curb their anxiety or tension? Is it possible that AS could be a major underlying, maybe even unknown factor in those who struggle with alcoholism? I have never found any written material on this. But since Both alcoholism and AS run in families, and since I'm questioning whether or not I am an Aspie... Well, you do the math. :) :)

Time passages

I seem to love not having to plan anything. But don't be fooled... This does not mean that I'm particularly spontaneous. This also does not mean, however, that I always enjoy not doing anything. I like long periods of time where I can do the same thing, with no pressure, and then I can switch gears when I need to. Contrary to what I have learned to say to people, I really do not work well, in groups... In fact, I hate that. I much prefer one on one interactions or the sorta jobs that involve sitting in the back room, doing the same thing (with maybe one more added). And a radio... Oh yes! This way, everybody there, is there to work (so that includes me) but I'm not filled with anxiety of making things harder for others because I can't keep up. I have learned to adapt to groups as well as I need to because I know that sometimes this scenario is unavoidable. But deep down, they give me anxiety and I REALLY would rather work one on one or by myself. The only exception to this rule that I've found is theatre and performing in front of people. Now, I know, this is where it gets odd, but see, with performing in front of others, anxiety and nervousness are NORMAL. EVERYBODY has it... It's par for the course. If you DON'T have nervousness or anxiety, then there's something wrong. It's the only group activity I know where you can be a "creative nervous wreck" and you're in very good company! Ahhh, that's the difference! You're not allowed to throw a fit in the grocery store because the lights are too bright, ya know? And that's just it...I've always had very very strong emotions with an equally strong fear that they are misplaced. I usually feel everything very strongly, but have had to learn to keep it in because letting it all out with that much intensity is not appropriate. But sometimes I do have the desire to be part of something meaningful and have interaction with others. I'm okay with that, as long as I know I can LEAVE when I need to and that I have a ride home. Foreknowledge is very important in my world. If these things are not in place, don't expect me to get excited about activity. Many times, even when these things are in place, I still have to be in just the right mood to be around a bunch of people. I much prefer one on one interactions because then that person gets all of my attention. If I'm in large groups of people, it's hard for me to know who to focus on. Many times, all the talk starts to run together like watercolors & I feel over whelmed. And speaking of overwhelmed... More later :)

One Deep Ocean at a Time....

I once had a teacher tell me that I think deeply and I feel deeply. Yeah. I guess that's why I used to sob when I would watch "Lassie Come Home.". I really think my brain can only process one thing at a time. I mean, I use both sides at once, as girls do... But I can only focus on one thing at one time. I find that if I'm doing something and someone interrupts to instruct me on something else, or wants to talk to me about something, I know must process the original task I was doing and the new info. Somebody wants to give me, and all the details attached to that.. If I'm already tired or stressed about other stuff... All of this can make me irritable and angry with people. I find that I need a tremendous amount of mercy from others that I often don't have the energy to give back. It is not that I don't want to give it back, but I often just don't have the energy. I feel things very intensely, and think that something is left undone if I cannot give everything a verbal explanation (Baby, there aren't enough hours in the day)Everything left unsaid bothers me, and I must scramble to store the unsaid words and then pray that they don't erupt" like a volcano at some point. I would describe myself as living with an "undercurrent". There's the woman you see on the surface & then there's the mess of an avalanche that I'm trying to keep from sliding deep in my soul. This avalanche could come from anywhere... It could because I said something the night before that made me feel like a moron. Maybe I'm worried now that everybody who heard it THINKS I'm a moron (doesn't matter how untrue that is.). It could be that I sincerely fear that something is wrong with me because I have not had a boyfriend since I was eighteen. You want things that are relevant to this moment now? My apologies but I can't get to this moment yet, because I can't wade through this mess! When I get there I'll let ya know (course, by then it will be too late). Many times I feel really bad because I know people close to me have ended up walking on eggshells. They have often had no idea how to react around me because my emotional reactions would be so intense. I've described my emotions and thought and memories as though they are bullets I have to dodge. The problem is, others around me have to dodge them too. I spend a lot of time telling myself to relax and then get angry with myself because I can't. The really frustrating thing is that no matter how I explain this, everything is turned inward on me... And I sound like all I care about is myself. Not true. I feel worse than I can say about than I I can say about everyone having to tip toe around me. Why should they have to be worried about my mood & what it might do to them. That's awful. I don't wanna make other people nervous. I don't wanna hurt other people because one of my emotional volcanoes has erupted. Every event can be an endless ocean that I'm afraid of drowning in... And to explain all that can make me sound as though I'm lazy and I don't really care about doing the right thing. Not true at all. But it really is a battle that I end up fighting... One ocean at a time. :)

All Connected...

When I make one mistake it feels as though I've done everything incorrectly. It sounds crazy, but it's as though I don't have the energy to keep in mind that this one mistake does not mean that I'm no good as a person. This is TRUE, but my reasoning says "if this is so true, then why do I have to give people any reason to be disappointed in me?". Perfectionist? I would hate to define myself that way but I do expect myself to be perfect. Yes. Is it reasonable?... Of course not. I beat myself up 3 or 4 times harder than necessary for making the same mistakes others make too. I made some Kool Aid earlier today & my mum noticed that I'd put too much water in the pitcher. My reasoning was making as much Kool Aid as possible so Thant would last as long as possible... It would't be gone so quickly. In other words I was attempting to be generous. I added plenty of sugar so it was sweet enough... But My heart soon dropped when I realized that I apparently ruined the whole pitcher because there was too much water and not enough Kool- Aid. All my efforts were ruined. The thing is, when mom pointed this out to me, my response went like this: "well, see I try to help & I just screw stuff up. It's no wonder you think you have to do everything for me.". I felt like a complete failure...over Kool-Aid. My mother was rightfully hurt because I'd been so rude to her. I apologized to her & we hugged later. Now, I understand this does not mean that I have AS. But why was my reaction so intense? Why was I being so rude? Why was I being so childish? I do realize this ya know... And then waste a lot of time wondering why little things bother me SO MUCH. I suppose I could just chalk it up to me being a little brat. But it's the intensity of the reaction that concerns me... Suddenly feeling like I want to run and hide under a blanket... And not being able to reason with myself that there is no need to be so upset (too late) :). Everybody has done that, right? (Duh)! I don't get it. :)

But I liked them...

Another rather akward moment came when my aunt's kitchen was being redone. She had painted her cabinets this bold turquoise color and put these rooster decals on each door. I remember she'd been so proud of herself & so excited to show everybody. When she passed away, my grandmother moved into her house & the kitchen was re-painted. As my family was there helping with the effort, it became unanimous that aunt Barbara's rooster's were soooo ugly, and they had to go. I can't count how many times it had been mentioned that someone was trying to figure what aunt Barbara was thinking when she painted those Roosters (!!!). I thought they were marvelous! I loved those kitchen cabinets and I kept wanting to scream it out.... What's WRONG with them??!!! But I knew I was the only dork who felt that way. Those cabinets reminded me of something you might see in an English kitchen in a stately victorian house. Besides aunt Barbara had made them herself & she was so proud of them! Now, anybody is entitled to NOT like them...I understand that. But why was I the only one who did like them? How come I couldn't think they were awful like everyone else? Well, I still don't think they were awful. But I remember being profoundly hurt that everyone around me could not wait to get rid of them. This was a part of her kitchen! If you take her roosters away, something's broken, it won't be complete!! Now, it was going to be Grandma's kitchen.... And that was a good thing. So why was I so bummed out... Even depressed? Why couldn't I just get over it already? I had that feeling again that the world was closing in on me. There was nothing I could do about it. Why did I have to be the only dork who liked those ugly things?? Well, I wasn't... aunt Barbara had loved them too. Thing is, she wasn't here anymore, and I was. I never told anybody how I truly felt about it. When the whole kitchen was finished & my grandma liked it much better, I "agreed" that I liked it and went along with my family" In any case I'm glad that grandma liked the way her kitchen was redone; but nobody knows that I still miss those roosters. I miss them as though they were angry that they were painted over. I miss them as though they were "hurt" because they had to disappear. Something a child would do? I suppose... But that's just a day in the life for me. Do I have too much "imagination" to have AS? I keep reading that one of the characteristics of an Aspie is that they usually do not imagine or pretend. Are these those non-physical things that people with Asperger's don't relate to? Or is this my own little world? This sort of reflective "just suppose" thinking is nothing unusual for me. I couldn't breathe if I could not do that! No, I don't mean that literally. If I had AS, would I BELIEVE that was literal? I don't know...I'm confused.

Expert?... Me?

I've read that people with Aspurger's tend to have expert like knowledge in at least one specific area. Hmm mm... Can you be an expert in remembering song lyrics or movie lines or stories? I think this would probably be the only thing that I might say I'm an expert at. Unfortunately, this is not a practical life skill that will get me a job. As far as I know, this will not make me any money :). I'm also wonderful at remembering names and dates.... The more random, the better. It's much easier for me to recognize a person based on the sound of their voice rather than their face. I can also memorize poetry in this way when it is read to me, or I'm listening to it. It is more difficult for me to memorize what I'm reading silently because that involves the printed words. Although, when I was in 5th grade, I could read at an eighth grade level. I seem to always have been plagued by extreme sensitivity. When I was 13 years old I went to the eye doctor for a routine exam. My eyes don't work together, and the doctor could tell it. She examined me & recommended that I have eye muscle surgery. I remember being mortified because surgery, to me was like the ultimate unpredictable thing. Translation I was scared to death! I knew they would have to knock me out... What if I didn't wake up? What if something went wrong...I would not even be awake to know about it it!!!! I remember being profoundly scared. But the thing was, I had already been told (around that time) that I might consider having a different surgery. As mentioned, I was diagnosed with CP at birth. When I finally did begin walking, I would "toe walk" on my left side. This is my weaker side. Doctors at Shriner's Hospital had suggested that I have a minor surgery to lengthen the left "heel chord" (as it was explained to me.) This way, I could more easily keep the left heel on the floor as I took steps. Anyway...now I needed eye muscle surgery too (!!!). This was like adding huge insult to injury!! I was mortified and I began to cry. It wasn't just that I needed to do something to get help... I fell like I myself was damaged goods or something. A feeling of inadequacy rushed through me... It seemed to go all the way down to my bones. It felt like I was horrible as a person. Like I would never be good enough no matter what I did.. On top of everything, I hated myself because I was crying in the doctor's office. Just imagine every insult you've ever heard being flung at you all at one time. Anyway... OTHER people didn't CRY in the doctor's office, right? It was awful, to say the least. Why couldn't I just have a NORMAL eye exam?? So, I was further mortified when my mother decided to tell the doctor about that OTHER surgery I needed to consider. This was something I did not feel she needed to know. It was weakness (I felt) that I did not want to show. It was awful! Anyway, why had my reaction been so intense? Even I could not quite get it. Other people didn't do that... Did they? PS...My eye doctor was wonderful & understanding. I eventually did have both surgeries & I came through just fine. It took me a long time to actually get up the courage... But I did it!! Would a person with Aspurger's been able to?? I think it's possible...but would their fear just have been too great?