Time passages

I seem to love not having to plan anything. But don't be fooled... This does not mean that I'm particularly spontaneous. This also does not mean, however, that I always enjoy not doing anything. I like long periods of time where I can do the same thing, with no pressure, and then I can switch gears when I need to. Contrary to what I have learned to say to people, I really do not work well, in groups... In fact, I hate that. I much prefer one on one interactions or the sorta jobs that involve sitting in the back room, doing the same thing (with maybe one more added). And a radio... Oh yes! This way, everybody there, is there to work (so that includes me) but I'm not filled with anxiety of making things harder for others because I can't keep up. I have learned to adapt to groups as well as I need to because I know that sometimes this scenario is unavoidable. But deep down, they give me anxiety and I REALLY would rather work one on one or by myself. The only exception to this rule that I've found is theatre and performing in front of people. Now, I know, this is where it gets odd, but see, with performing in front of others, anxiety and nervousness are NORMAL. EVERYBODY has it... It's par for the course. If you DON'T have nervousness or anxiety, then there's something wrong. It's the only group activity I know where you can be a "creative nervous wreck" and you're in very good company! Ahhh, that's the difference! You're not allowed to throw a fit in the grocery store because the lights are too bright, ya know? And that's just it...I've always had very very strong emotions with an equally strong fear that they are misplaced. I usually feel everything very strongly, but have had to learn to keep it in because letting it all out with that much intensity is not appropriate. But sometimes I do have the desire to be part of something meaningful and have interaction with others. I'm okay with that, as long as I know I can LEAVE when I need to and that I have a ride home. Foreknowledge is very important in my world. If these things are not in place, don't expect me to get excited about activity. Many times, even when these things are in place, I still have to be in just the right mood to be around a bunch of people. I much prefer one on one interactions because then that person gets all of my attention. If I'm in large groups of people, it's hard for me to know who to focus on. Many times, all the talk starts to run together like watercolors & I feel over whelmed. And speaking of overwhelmed... More later :)