All Connected...

When I make one mistake it feels as though I've done everything incorrectly. It sounds crazy, but it's as though I don't have the energy to keep in mind that this one mistake does not mean that I'm no good as a person. This is TRUE, but my reasoning says "if this is so true, then why do I have to give people any reason to be disappointed in me?". Perfectionist? I would hate to define myself that way but I do expect myself to be perfect. Yes. Is it reasonable?... Of course not. I beat myself up 3 or 4 times harder than necessary for making the same mistakes others make too. I made some Kool Aid earlier today & my mum noticed that I'd put too much water in the pitcher. My reasoning was making as much Kool Aid as possible so Thant would last as long as possible... It would't be gone so quickly. In other words I was attempting to be generous. I added plenty of sugar so it was sweet enough... But My heart soon dropped when I realized that I apparently ruined the whole pitcher because there was too much water and not enough Kool- Aid. All my efforts were ruined. The thing is, when mom pointed this out to me, my response went like this: "well, see I try to help & I just screw stuff up. It's no wonder you think you have to do everything for me.". I felt like a complete failure...over Kool-Aid. My mother was rightfully hurt because I'd been so rude to her. I apologized to her & we hugged later. Now, I understand this does not mean that I have AS. But why was my reaction so intense? Why was I being so rude? Why was I being so childish? I do realize this ya know... And then waste a lot of time wondering why little things bother me SO MUCH. I suppose I could just chalk it up to me being a little brat. But it's the intensity of the reaction that concerns me... Suddenly feeling like I want to run and hide under a blanket... And not being able to reason with myself that there is no need to be so upset (too late) :). Everybody has done that, right? (Duh)! I don't get it. :)