God and Church...

I tend to need to see things in black & white. The thing is, I don't THINK I see them in black & white. In my head, issues are multi-layered and complicated. They usually bog me down & stress me out. I've always found it very easy to relate to Jesus because he had to be very brave because he was so different.

It seems nothing ever comes out of my mouth the way it is in my head... And can always tell something is not quite right. I tend to wish I could explain things differently... But there isn't enough time in the day. People have lives to get on with. However, God can handle any explanation I may need to give to anything...no matter how long it way take! When I can't give spoken explanations to things, I feel as though I'm being suffocated. I have to explain every little thing all the time, no matter how insignificant it may be.

In school, I got in trouble a lot for talking about people instead of to them... Got into hot water for mumbling under my breath. I once heard a psychologist explain that for some people, things don't get into their brain unless they hear themselves say everything. To many people, this is extremely annoying because they think the person is paying no attention because they're just repeating everything (almost like a parrot). Now I take great care to make sure I do not 'copy" people because I know that is really irritating... But I need to hear myself say most everything. Thing is, with God, none of this applies because He listen's and understands perfectly... And with perfect patience! The only problem is that I literally find myself wanting to shut out the rest of the world all the time, so I can tell God about whatever storm is raging inside.

Real life experience, and responsibility won't allow this. Real life sucks. In truth, there's always a part of me that hurts because I can't just be alone with my thoughts & prayers. I know many Christians experience this because their heart is with the Lord, though they must walk the path everyday. But somehow for me, it's more chronic. These deep waves of emotion and concern fill me... And they seem to leave no room for mundane tasks. Sometimes I'll forget the most common things because I'm too busy writing or researching something or praying about things that never stop coming to mind. I call this my undercurrent. It's what's going on under the "self" that everybody sees. It's very strong and sometimes I drown in it... My only refuge being a quiet, dark place where I can sort all these feelings out... Quick before they start to crush me!

Okay...Church. Church is wonderful because it's a body of believers who come together for the same purpose. Church is intimidating because there is no shell I can crawl into. It's exposure. I must be right in the middle of all these people wanting to know "how I'm doing.". Oh God. This is the hardest question in the world for me to answer because of the "undercurrent" and because my answers are usually painfully different from anyone else's.

I don't have a car, I don't drive. I don't have a 9 to 5 job (and I'm glad I don't). I tried to go on in college, and really could not afford it, so that was out. Others might say what a blessing this is because I get to be unique. True. I agree with that. But a lot of times, I really do feel like the walls are closing in on me. I can't tell them about Gary McKinnon. I can't tell them he's been fighting possible extradition to the US for TEN YEARS (!!!). I can't tell them I think this is a disgrace! (My eyes would tear up). How crazy is that? They'd never know who he is. His story isn't common knowledge over here. I can't tell them that Greta Garbo was in a movie called "Camille" that makes me cry every time I see it. (It's been about 75 years, why would they care?).

But I'm no good when it comes to talking about rising gas prices or what goes on at work because I don't experience those things. Now, I don't always "not" fit in. I have my moments too, but most of the time I find them shallow and not worth very much... So I go back to my own little corner. I have to constantly remember that small talk is very important because it makes me feel connected to others & lets them be connected with me.

I know I really do need this, and others need it too... But a lot of times I have to force myself, it doesn't come naturally. So, maybe you can see now why sometimes it's rather difficult for me to hear over & over that I'm not to live by my feelings. This is true, I'm not. But I read everything through feelings that are turned on or off by words. If this is how I see the world, how do I not live by it? Does this mean I have AS? Not necessarily. However, it sure would explain a lot! I need an objective diagnosis and I cannot afford the medical tests necessary. All I can do now is pray that someday that circumstance will change.

Forgiveness and grudges: I don't want to say how much I kick myself for being unable to "let things go.". How much have I punished myself because I can't seem to "get over it.". There always seems to come a point where something cuts so deeply that I find myself having to separate from others. My only wish in doing this is to stop the hurt and uncertainty. I never seem to really learn that when I "handle" it this way, I'm just leaving the problem suspended in mid air, not solving it. I'm always worried about the kind of person this makes me... "How could you?"... That sorta thing.

I do no how to get off myself and feel empathy for others, but I often don't express this well. I turn everything inward and internalize it, and have to see it through the lens of ME... But I worry that this only Ames me conceited and selfish. Sometimes I feel like screaming... I DON'T REALLY MEAN TO BE LIKE THIS!! So what does it say in scripture about our father in Heaven not forgiving us when we don't forgive others? I'm not really afraid that God won't forgive me... But I have the worst time knowing when I've forgiven someone else. I tend to play things over and over in my head because I can't get over the intensity. The hurt stabs me again & again like knives, and it is incredibly difficult for me to get past things.

Even when I love the people involved with all my heart. It breaks my heart to think that I'd Ever displease God by hurting my brothers or sisters. I hate that. But sometimes the storm within me is so strong that I have to vacate a situation. I can't "explain" what's going on because the emotions are so strong they'll just slam somebody like a punch in the face. Nobody needs that. It's not fair, and it doesn't solve anything. As a result, I tend to suddenly pop up in various places (church being one of them) almost as though I've comme back from the dead (where have you been??) that sorta thing.

How do you tell people that life got so intense you couldn't deal with it? This makes me sound like this undependable, irresponsible, uncaring person who has no empathy for anyone else. Great. Now what do I do? My profound apologies to anyone hurt because I suddenly disappeared from their life. Mainly, I just don't want the tempest raging inside to spill all over others (because of the hurt it would cause both them and me). But this is when I remember that Jesus probably always had an "undercurrent" inside him too. The thing is... He overcame his. How do I overcome mine?