One Deep Ocean at a Time....

I once had a teacher tell me that I think deeply and I feel deeply. Yeah. I guess that's why I used to sob when I would watch "Lassie Come Home.". I really think my brain can only process one thing at a time. I mean, I use both sides at once, as girls do... But I can only focus on one thing at one time. I find that if I'm doing something and someone interrupts to instruct me on something else, or wants to talk to me about something, I know must process the original task I was doing and the new info. Somebody wants to give me, and all the details attached to that.. If I'm already tired or stressed about other stuff... All of this can make me irritable and angry with people. I find that I need a tremendous amount of mercy from others that I often don't have the energy to give back. It is not that I don't want to give it back, but I often just don't have the energy. I feel things very intensely, and think that something is left undone if I cannot give everything a verbal explanation (Baby, there aren't enough hours in the day)Everything left unsaid bothers me, and I must scramble to store the unsaid words and then pray that they don't erupt" like a volcano at some point. I would describe myself as living with an "undercurrent". There's the woman you see on the surface & then there's the mess of an avalanche that I'm trying to keep from sliding deep in my soul. This avalanche could come from anywhere... It could because I said something the night before that made me feel like a moron. Maybe I'm worried now that everybody who heard it THINKS I'm a moron (doesn't matter how untrue that is.). It could be that I sincerely fear that something is wrong with me because I have not had a boyfriend since I was eighteen. You want things that are relevant to this moment now? My apologies but I can't get to this moment yet, because I can't wade through this mess! When I get there I'll let ya know (course, by then it will be too late). Many times I feel really bad because I know people close to me have ended up walking on eggshells. They have often had no idea how to react around me because my emotional reactions would be so intense. I've described my emotions and thought and memories as though they are bullets I have to dodge. The problem is, others around me have to dodge them too. I spend a lot of time telling myself to relax and then get angry with myself because I can't. The really frustrating thing is that no matter how I explain this, everything is turned inward on me... And I sound like all I care about is myself. Not true. I feel worse than I can say about than I I can say about everyone having to tip toe around me. Why should they have to be worried about my mood & what it might do to them. That's awful. I don't wanna make other people nervous. I don't wanna hurt other people because one of my emotional volcanoes has erupted. Every event can be an endless ocean that I'm afraid of drowning in... And to explain all that can make me sound as though I'm lazy and I don't really care about doing the right thing. Not true at all. But it really is a battle that I end up fighting... One ocean at a time. :)