I do not like to be left out of things.
It's crazy because even if the event in question is something that I would not care for, when I hear all the details after the fact, I clench my teeth and burn with jealousy because... I wasn't there. I was not able to share in all the happenings, so I have no idea how to be excited about what happened because I did not experience the event. In most cases I dearly wish I could've.
I hate being the kind of person who is too focused on herself to care about what happens to anyone else. I honestly do care when something wonderful happens to those I care about, but it's very hard for me to be excited for the other person when I did not experience the event myself. It's like there's a blank slate there. I have nothing to fill it in with. I spend a lot of time kicking myself because I can't seem to just care about people because they're happy. Why isn't this enough? It isn't that I don't care, but I would care so much more if I'd had the same experience. But this is just classic selfishness, right? What if it isn't? What if there's something else going on there? I mean, why do I find it so difficult to be happy for someone else? Hmmmm... I remember watching shows about people who are compulsively neat. Part of their therapy would be to disorganize one thing...and leave it that way; dump something on the floor and leave it there. Leave some laundry unfolded, something like that. So how does something like this apply to empathy.
If a person doesn't get their empathy from an experience then where can they get it from? How are you truly happy for someone else when the experience has nothing to do with you? These are not rhetorical questions....I'm really not sure. I think I would have such an easier time if I did get this. Less exhausting. Less comparisons with others. Not to mention less feeling sorry for myself. It's a difficult thing when you tend to see everything through the lens of what is not. I heard a guy on You Tube talking about this just the other night. He was talking about AS and HFA, and the way that those who have these ways of thinking see things from the perspective of what isn't. They struggle with being afraid that they will not be smart enough for that class, or that job, or being afraid that someone won't like them.
I think the trouble is explaining this to a neuro typical person. How do you explain that it isn't that easy to just turn things around in your head and be positive. It's definitely possible...but it's like asking an alcoholic to stop drinking..it's really hard! A lot of times, even I don't understand why this happens. I'll just feel awful about something, and rant and rave cause the only thing that curbs the energy is the sound of my own voice self righteously complaining. What the Heck?? Can a brain be wired to do such a thing? Sounds like someone just full of excuses, right? Weird.
I know that when Christ is in us, we can be for others, what we would like for ourselves. Nobody's perfect but I must've missed something because I find myself still looking inward...but if there's nothing there for me to relate to others with, then what?
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Priorities
I once read an article written by a woman whose husband had AS. This lady was talking about difficulty communicating and how it took her a long time to get used to his temperament. She talked about a time when she had to have surgery. After the surgery, her husband was supposed to be there to pick her up and take her home. He wasn't. This woman was out of recovery and ready to go but her husband never showed. With the nurses getting worried for her, they had to have her call her husband while still lying on a gurney, and ask him where he was.
He was still at work, and with anesthetic leaving her quite groggy, his wife had to tell him he needed to pick her up at the hospital. Apparently, this man became quite angry, ranting and raving and making it sound as though his poor wife had done him some huge inconvenience by calling him. He did get to the hospital, but the hostility and anger continued on the drive home. According to the author, she got a silent treatment for the rest of that evening. Her husband did not say a word to her. The next day, this very patient wife who'd recovered all alone the night before, gently tried to probe the issue again. She said that she had let her husband know well in advance that he would need to be there to get her, and that she simply could not understand why he'd become so upset.
It was at this time that her husband finally admitted to her that he'd never been able to bring himself to ask his boss for the time off. (!!!!). He said he knew that she needed him but was too afraid that his boss would be disappointed in him if he just left work. Now I admit, I was infuriated with this guy when I read the story. I was thinking "I don't care how afraid you were, your wife needed you!". Honestly! Talk about needing someone to lean on, and then having to do everything yourself! Then this woman explained that she had to learn that what her husband actually needed was empathy. She learned that as bad as he felt about disappointing his boss, he was a great deal more upset with himself for having disappointed HER. This empathetic, smart wife, at closer examination of the situation, was able to discern that her husband felt worse than he could say, at having let everyone down... But especially her. He felt too embarrassed (apparently) to even let the mistake show. At this, my heart melted a bit. Poor guy! He'd wanted to make everything perfect for her (I imagine) but was torn at the thought of disappointing his boss.
All of the sudden, I thought " What a conundrum!". What if this person had been me or my dad? Or both?! I'm sure I'd be fuming inside, but then, would I be able to give him empathy later? In all honesty, I would probably be thinking;
"I'm the one who was in the hospital feeling like crap!". Interesting. After having no support, and then being yelled at for disrupting his day and THEN getting a silent treatment, would I then realize that I needed to give him some empathy? Could I read what his heart was really saying? Would I believe it?
This woman (bless her heart) had been shown no empathy at all (granted her husband DID admit what happened...but even that did not come until the next evening). Yet her way of learning to love him better came from showing him the empathy that she needed from him. What a difficult, but wonderful paradox! Being on empty but finding that your ticket to peace of mind is giving out what you don't have? Now, I'm not ignoring the responsibility of her husband. He should've made arrangements to pick her up. But the fear of rejection had apparently "crippled" him. For his wife to spew further anger at him? Technically, she had a right to do this... But she would've caused her husband most likely just shut down further.
I've been told for a long time that the idea of 50/50 in marriage is not as true as most people think. It doesn't really start to be love until you give when it's not fair... And you know you won't get anything back. When this woman wrote of how she learned what her husband was really going through, I was able to see all this in a different way. So, guys, when you're wife is having surgery...make sure you're there to pick her up! :). Ladies, if your husband lashes out, and you're not sure why, as difficult as it is... Try to figure whether something's hurting him... Then, when you've both calmed down, try to let him know you're not angry. Maybe then, you guys can talk... Yeah?
He was still at work, and with anesthetic leaving her quite groggy, his wife had to tell him he needed to pick her up at the hospital. Apparently, this man became quite angry, ranting and raving and making it sound as though his poor wife had done him some huge inconvenience by calling him. He did get to the hospital, but the hostility and anger continued on the drive home. According to the author, she got a silent treatment for the rest of that evening. Her husband did not say a word to her. The next day, this very patient wife who'd recovered all alone the night before, gently tried to probe the issue again. She said that she had let her husband know well in advance that he would need to be there to get her, and that she simply could not understand why he'd become so upset.
It was at this time that her husband finally admitted to her that he'd never been able to bring himself to ask his boss for the time off. (!!!!). He said he knew that she needed him but was too afraid that his boss would be disappointed in him if he just left work. Now I admit, I was infuriated with this guy when I read the story. I was thinking "I don't care how afraid you were, your wife needed you!". Honestly! Talk about needing someone to lean on, and then having to do everything yourself! Then this woman explained that she had to learn that what her husband actually needed was empathy. She learned that as bad as he felt about disappointing his boss, he was a great deal more upset with himself for having disappointed HER. This empathetic, smart wife, at closer examination of the situation, was able to discern that her husband felt worse than he could say, at having let everyone down... But especially her. He felt too embarrassed (apparently) to even let the mistake show. At this, my heart melted a bit. Poor guy! He'd wanted to make everything perfect for her (I imagine) but was torn at the thought of disappointing his boss.
All of the sudden, I thought " What a conundrum!". What if this person had been me or my dad? Or both?! I'm sure I'd be fuming inside, but then, would I be able to give him empathy later? In all honesty, I would probably be thinking;
"I'm the one who was in the hospital feeling like crap!". Interesting. After having no support, and then being yelled at for disrupting his day and THEN getting a silent treatment, would I then realize that I needed to give him some empathy? Could I read what his heart was really saying? Would I believe it?
This woman (bless her heart) had been shown no empathy at all (granted her husband DID admit what happened...but even that did not come until the next evening). Yet her way of learning to love him better came from showing him the empathy that she needed from him. What a difficult, but wonderful paradox! Being on empty but finding that your ticket to peace of mind is giving out what you don't have? Now, I'm not ignoring the responsibility of her husband. He should've made arrangements to pick her up. But the fear of rejection had apparently "crippled" him. For his wife to spew further anger at him? Technically, she had a right to do this... But she would've caused her husband most likely just shut down further.
I've been told for a long time that the idea of 50/50 in marriage is not as true as most people think. It doesn't really start to be love until you give when it's not fair... And you know you won't get anything back. When this woman wrote of how she learned what her husband was really going through, I was able to see all this in a different way. So, guys, when you're wife is having surgery...make sure you're there to pick her up! :). Ladies, if your husband lashes out, and you're not sure why, as difficult as it is... Try to figure whether something's hurting him... Then, when you've both calmed down, try to let him know you're not angry. Maybe then, you guys can talk... Yeah?
Sunday, October 14, 2012
In Reverse, Socially
Once when I was a kid, I went to the dentist. He and his assistant noticed that I wore glasses, they were asking me whether I was near sighted or far sighted. My answer was thus...
"Well, I think I'm a little bit of both."
Hey, isn't everybody? When it came to being near sighted or far sighted, I did not know that I had a choice. All people have to see both close up and far away right? So, I'm a little bit of both, right? Now don't get me wrong... I learned what they meant. (Duh). They were asking me whether I could see better close up or far away. In other words, what did I need the glasses for? My reasoning just did not work that way, so I kept saying "I'm a little bit of both.". Made perfect sense to me... But this wasn't the answer I was supposed to give. Ha ha :). Sometimes I wish I were still that child who didn't feel the pressure of figuring things out.
If my thinking is so socially backwards... Why does it make so much sense to ME? Hmmmm, I'll have to give this a little thought. Even if I were to get very creative about it, and pretend that my way of thinking were like a Super Power. :) ... How does a super power help if someone can't seem to use it in the real world? What if it makes you odd or different? I don't know, but for every negative, there is a positive! So, I'll have to think of how. Experiences like this can be used for good, and looked at as wonderful things. Anyone have any advice? Just some thoughts. :)
"Well, I think I'm a little bit of both."
Hey, isn't everybody? When it came to being near sighted or far sighted, I did not know that I had a choice. All people have to see both close up and far away right? So, I'm a little bit of both, right? Now don't get me wrong... I learned what they meant. (Duh). They were asking me whether I could see better close up or far away. In other words, what did I need the glasses for? My reasoning just did not work that way, so I kept saying "I'm a little bit of both.". Made perfect sense to me... But this wasn't the answer I was supposed to give. Ha ha :). Sometimes I wish I were still that child who didn't feel the pressure of figuring things out.
If my thinking is so socially backwards... Why does it make so much sense to ME? Hmmmm, I'll have to give this a little thought. Even if I were to get very creative about it, and pretend that my way of thinking were like a Super Power. :) ... How does a super power help if someone can't seem to use it in the real world? What if it makes you odd or different? I don't know, but for every negative, there is a positive! So, I'll have to think of how. Experiences like this can be used for good, and looked at as wonderful things. Anyone have any advice? Just some thoughts. :)
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Frazzled
Are people with AS or Autism, just generally angry all the time? This certainly applies to me! Of course it could be a lot of other things too... I just wonder if AS or Autism has anything to do with it. By the way, this is an angry post today, so look out. Things have been so hectic around here lately. Maybe they wouldn't be for someone else.... But they are for me. I'd rather not get into why. That's not necessary. Suffice it to say that it gets difficult sometimes for me to even remember to wash the dishes anymore.
It's crazy. I'm not particularly busy even... I just can't concentrate on anything. Can't get any quiet. I try to write, I can't hear myself think. Sometimes I don't know why I bother helping people, because for every one thing that goes right, about ten go wrong. I'm always misunderstanding things, and somebody goes "Oh, I thought I told you." (you probably DID tell me... I just don't remember nothin'). Just so tired of everything getting screwed up and I don't even know about it till it's already happened. Then I have to find a way to make sure I don't have a meltdown or something. I just need some friggin QUIET!!I try to do something, I just end up screwing it up. I'm outta money for the month & my bank is charging me overdraft fees. I don't mean to be so damn angry all the time, but I am. Sometimes I don't know how to look on the bright side of things. I try to, but I think "What bright side?". This is awful! I mean, who wants to be around somebody like that?
I just feel like saying "F" you to the whole world! I'd use the word, but I DID calm down a bit before I started writing this. And you know what else I hate? Always being known as the good girl! Trying to talk about how much angst I have, but never being as sarcastic as others around me so they don't believe me. Feeling like I'm so angry I could break something or hit something. (I won't do that... I'm not stupid. Then I'd just be in piercing pain too.). Yes, I could really use some counseling, but I can't afford any. I keep reading about things we can do (or take) to help ourselves feel better without drugs...I can't afford any of them. They are too expensive. Maybe if I felt better physically, I wouldn't be such a mess emotionally. There are many things that would help me alright, but I can't afford any of them. I feel like all I do is look for answers I can't actually turn into results and I just get depressed. This is why I talk about fairy tales and castles and actors and all that crap, because it makes things feel not so bad... Takes some of the edge off. I don't get it. There seems to be never any break in suffering. It just goes on and on. I know I sound like Solomon when he wrote Ecclesiastes, but I don't care. He just wanted to know what it all meant too, that's all.
Interesting, and strange. If anyone was intimately close to God, Solomon was... And he still needed to know what it all meant. He'd helped himself to every pleasure and found that there was nothing new under the sun. Well, I don't want to help myself to every pleasure; I just want quiet. I want a bed that doesn't hurt my back. I don't want to feel guilty anymore because I don't drive. It's better that I don't but I HATE it! I hate feeling like I'm a burden to people. No Christian cliche's or corny reassurance is gonna help me now. I hate being glad I don't have much responsibility and then hating myself because this seems not normal. What's the matter with me anyway? I suppose someone could give me that lecture now about only focusing on the bad stuff. Don't bother. One of my motto's is: "Sometimes, you just have to let things suck." (Gee, I guess I better not ever be a motivational speaker!) :). I sure could use something sweet right now... Not that we have anything like that around here. Suddenly, I'm reminded of that song "Passionate Kisses" by Mary Chapin Carpenter. ("Shouldn't I have all of this, and..."). Anyway, good grief! Couldn't somebody put me to sleep for a while so I can wake up when it's over? :). Nope. Awwww, dammit!
It's crazy. I'm not particularly busy even... I just can't concentrate on anything. Can't get any quiet. I try to write, I can't hear myself think. Sometimes I don't know why I bother helping people, because for every one thing that goes right, about ten go wrong. I'm always misunderstanding things, and somebody goes "Oh, I thought I told you." (you probably DID tell me... I just don't remember nothin'). Just so tired of everything getting screwed up and I don't even know about it till it's already happened. Then I have to find a way to make sure I don't have a meltdown or something. I just need some friggin QUIET!!I try to do something, I just end up screwing it up. I'm outta money for the month & my bank is charging me overdraft fees. I don't mean to be so damn angry all the time, but I am. Sometimes I don't know how to look on the bright side of things. I try to, but I think "What bright side?". This is awful! I mean, who wants to be around somebody like that?
I just feel like saying "F" you to the whole world! I'd use the word, but I DID calm down a bit before I started writing this. And you know what else I hate? Always being known as the good girl! Trying to talk about how much angst I have, but never being as sarcastic as others around me so they don't believe me. Feeling like I'm so angry I could break something or hit something. (I won't do that... I'm not stupid. Then I'd just be in piercing pain too.). Yes, I could really use some counseling, but I can't afford any. I keep reading about things we can do (or take) to help ourselves feel better without drugs...I can't afford any of them. They are too expensive. Maybe if I felt better physically, I wouldn't be such a mess emotionally. There are many things that would help me alright, but I can't afford any of them. I feel like all I do is look for answers I can't actually turn into results and I just get depressed. This is why I talk about fairy tales and castles and actors and all that crap, because it makes things feel not so bad... Takes some of the edge off. I don't get it. There seems to be never any break in suffering. It just goes on and on. I know I sound like Solomon when he wrote Ecclesiastes, but I don't care. He just wanted to know what it all meant too, that's all.
Interesting, and strange. If anyone was intimately close to God, Solomon was... And he still needed to know what it all meant. He'd helped himself to every pleasure and found that there was nothing new under the sun. Well, I don't want to help myself to every pleasure; I just want quiet. I want a bed that doesn't hurt my back. I don't want to feel guilty anymore because I don't drive. It's better that I don't but I HATE it! I hate feeling like I'm a burden to people. No Christian cliche's or corny reassurance is gonna help me now. I hate being glad I don't have much responsibility and then hating myself because this seems not normal. What's the matter with me anyway? I suppose someone could give me that lecture now about only focusing on the bad stuff. Don't bother. One of my motto's is: "Sometimes, you just have to let things suck." (Gee, I guess I better not ever be a motivational speaker!) :). I sure could use something sweet right now... Not that we have anything like that around here. Suddenly, I'm reminded of that song "Passionate Kisses" by Mary Chapin Carpenter. ("Shouldn't I have all of this, and..."). Anyway, good grief! Couldn't somebody put me to sleep for a while so I can wake up when it's over? :). Nope. Awwww, dammit!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Trinkets
"Isn't that demented?... That a grown man's happiness depends on whether a nine year old catches a pop up?"(Baseball).
Well, this is a line from the movie "Parenthood."; but my response is no... Absolutely not! :). It's not demented at all. It's what I call a trinket. It's a wonderful little reason that all the trouble we go through in life is worth it. Now I'm not a parent. This is a job that I've never done. But there is no question in my mind that this the hardest job on the planet! :). Anyway, whether we are parents or not, we all have fear and anxiety at times. We all have overwhelming situations to sometimes walk through. For the individual with Autism or AS most (if not all) life situations can seem magnified under a microscope. Little things can be difficult. It can be hard not to sweat the small stuff (as they say).
But on the up side, "Aspies," and people with Autism (in particular) are often able to get a great deal of joy from little things! For example, I can't count how many times I've been excited to get up in the morning because later that afternoon I was going to the store on the corner to get a fountain drink! (Hey, you gotta get through the morning to get to the the afternoon! :). Not much, right? So? That's okay. It was a little something that I enjoyed. No, I don't do that every day, because I know soda isn't good for the system. But once in a while. But, hey, pick your pleasure! It could be a radio or TV program, a favorite place for lunch or dinner, feeling the wind on your face while you're out running errands.
One Christmas, I got Anderson Cooper's book "Dispatches From the Edge.". In it, he talks (among other things) about asking his mother (Gloria Vanderbilt), what she thought he should do when he went to college. She gave him this advice:
"Find Your Bliss."
Anyway, my mother and I have tried to make this a little daily thing that we do, as far as finding a little "bliss" each day. It could be any of the things I already mentioned or something else particularly special to you. Anderson was asking his mother about a life direction...so to speak. I like to take the idea and break it into little "trinkets," as I call them. By the way, your favorite flavor of ice cream is...? Just something to lift your mood (maybe) and keep you hopeful while this sun goes to sleep and the moon rises to her place. :)
Well, this is a line from the movie "Parenthood."; but my response is no... Absolutely not! :). It's not demented at all. It's what I call a trinket. It's a wonderful little reason that all the trouble we go through in life is worth it. Now I'm not a parent. This is a job that I've never done. But there is no question in my mind that this the hardest job on the planet! :). Anyway, whether we are parents or not, we all have fear and anxiety at times. We all have overwhelming situations to sometimes walk through. For the individual with Autism or AS most (if not all) life situations can seem magnified under a microscope. Little things can be difficult. It can be hard not to sweat the small stuff (as they say).
But on the up side, "Aspies," and people with Autism (in particular) are often able to get a great deal of joy from little things! For example, I can't count how many times I've been excited to get up in the morning because later that afternoon I was going to the store on the corner to get a fountain drink! (Hey, you gotta get through the morning to get to the the afternoon! :). Not much, right? So? That's okay. It was a little something that I enjoyed. No, I don't do that every day, because I know soda isn't good for the system. But once in a while. But, hey, pick your pleasure! It could be a radio or TV program, a favorite place for lunch or dinner, feeling the wind on your face while you're out running errands.
One Christmas, I got Anderson Cooper's book "Dispatches From the Edge.". In it, he talks (among other things) about asking his mother (Gloria Vanderbilt), what she thought he should do when he went to college. She gave him this advice:
"Find Your Bliss."
Anyway, my mother and I have tried to make this a little daily thing that we do, as far as finding a little "bliss" each day. It could be any of the things I already mentioned or something else particularly special to you. Anderson was asking his mother about a life direction...so to speak. I like to take the idea and break it into little "trinkets," as I call them. By the way, your favorite flavor of ice cream is...? Just something to lift your mood (maybe) and keep you hopeful while this sun goes to sleep and the moon rises to her place. :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Steps
I was just reading part of a FB post that was dealing with being able to think positive. The post was aimed at women with AS. One of the first things it said, was: "Stay away from 'all or nothing' thinking."
I stopped right there.
I believe that this may be, one of the biggest obstacles for both guys and girls with AS or high functioning Autism. This got me to thinking about some ways that I could maybe "train my brain" to take smaller steps, and help to curb the feeling of dread that can cause the "fatalistic" thought patterns in the first place. Hmmmm... This is a toughy, because what I don't want is yet another mental "wrestling match" with my own negativity and panic, that just leaves me mentally exhausted (again). To me, there are few things that feel worse than growing negativity, coupled with a crippling guilt because you can't get rid of it.
But usually, the harder I try to keep the negative out... The more I fail at it, and the more exhausted I get. So, I got to thinking about a different way of thinking in the first place that hopefully, can quiet the inside, and help me to stay in control and be calm.
So, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and some of you may be shocked at what I'll suggest, but, to me... This makes perfect sense. And I can tell you that it does work, because I've used it in my own life. Some of this will sound rather trite, and maybe so simple you'll be temped to skip over it. But just try it... The only reason it doesn't always work for me is because I don't always let it. Yep, that's it!
Now, first, I had to be honest with myself.
Sometimes, I truly can't help what I'm going through, but sometimes I simply don't want the discomfort of not knowing why something is going on. Sometimes I'm simply don't want to be patient through something when I don't know the outcome, or when it isn't the outcome I want. Translation, sometimes it's simpler and easier to just think in a fatalistic way. Example: "I caused all this. It's my fault." The end. This is not true. It's also very hurtful to those around me. Most of the time, I don't REALLY believe this is even true. But the feeling of being out of control can be so strong that it seems simpler to give into it rather than do something about it. So in my particular case, the underlying issue is "I'm out of control, I can't help it. How can I be responsible for behaving like this.". Translation, I will often use my panic and irrational thinking to distance myself from personal responsibility or accountability.
This is not good... I'm sure you would agree! But for me, that personal honesty about me allowing myself to just give in to the fatalistic thinking to avoid responsibility is the biggest hurtle to get over, to change my own thinking and calm myself down. There's a fear of failure that comes with responsibility isn't there? If I actually have to do something, I might mess it up, right? Many times, I've read that people wish AS or high functioning Autism have a chronic fear of failure. I think the last thing any of us wants to do is avoid having a life, so that we avoid failing, right?
So, with that in mind I share this. Ready? The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are designed to be a different way of thinking to help regain serenity for those whose lives are affected by the turmoil of alcoholism. Am I saying you are an alcoholic? No. Don't worry, I'm not. :). Am I saying you have alcoholics in you're family? Nope. Don't worry. The thing is, these "steps" can help someone living in fear or anxiety to regain their piece of mind, whether their life is affected by someone's drinking or not. I am not a doctor. What I'm saying is based on personal opinion and experience. These are not steps that one tries to cram into their head and memorize all at once, and think "Man, that's just too much to memorize.". It's not memorizing. It's more like stepping stones to thinking differently.
So, with that in mind I'm gonna go through the 12 steps, keeping them in tact, but removing all references to alcohol, specifically... And showing how these principles can work for anyone.
Some of this, you will not agree with.
I encourage you to simply, take what you like, and leave the rest.
1. We admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank); that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (as we understood) Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except, when to do so, would injure them, or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God (as we understood) him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us, and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
As you can see, there's actually only one reference to alcohol in all 12 steps. It's in the first step, and I put parentheses.
Let me be clear in saying that we are NOT powerless over the choices WE make.
But we are powerless over the choices others make and the things that they do. We are powerless over most circumstances and most of the demands put on us in a day; powerless over others moods and temperaments. We're powerless over the things others say, but we as individuals are not powerless over how we react (or not) to our circumstances. Anyway, the sensitivity of temperament and fear of transitions or change that can come with having AS or Autism can sometimes leave us with a great deal of anxiety over unknowns and things that require transitions. I offer these steps as ways to maybe regain perspective. They do not have to be done in any order or in any time period. I for one, like to use them as a guide to put my thinking back in order when it becomes garbled or distorted.
I stopped right there.
I believe that this may be, one of the biggest obstacles for both guys and girls with AS or high functioning Autism. This got me to thinking about some ways that I could maybe "train my brain" to take smaller steps, and help to curb the feeling of dread that can cause the "fatalistic" thought patterns in the first place. Hmmmm... This is a toughy, because what I don't want is yet another mental "wrestling match" with my own negativity and panic, that just leaves me mentally exhausted (again). To me, there are few things that feel worse than growing negativity, coupled with a crippling guilt because you can't get rid of it.
But usually, the harder I try to keep the negative out... The more I fail at it, and the more exhausted I get. So, I got to thinking about a different way of thinking in the first place that hopefully, can quiet the inside, and help me to stay in control and be calm.
So, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and some of you may be shocked at what I'll suggest, but, to me... This makes perfect sense. And I can tell you that it does work, because I've used it in my own life. Some of this will sound rather trite, and maybe so simple you'll be temped to skip over it. But just try it... The only reason it doesn't always work for me is because I don't always let it. Yep, that's it!
Now, first, I had to be honest with myself.
Sometimes, I truly can't help what I'm going through, but sometimes I simply don't want the discomfort of not knowing why something is going on. Sometimes I'm simply don't want to be patient through something when I don't know the outcome, or when it isn't the outcome I want. Translation, sometimes it's simpler and easier to just think in a fatalistic way. Example: "I caused all this. It's my fault." The end. This is not true. It's also very hurtful to those around me. Most of the time, I don't REALLY believe this is even true. But the feeling of being out of control can be so strong that it seems simpler to give into it rather than do something about it. So in my particular case, the underlying issue is "I'm out of control, I can't help it. How can I be responsible for behaving like this.". Translation, I will often use my panic and irrational thinking to distance myself from personal responsibility or accountability.
This is not good... I'm sure you would agree! But for me, that personal honesty about me allowing myself to just give in to the fatalistic thinking to avoid responsibility is the biggest hurtle to get over, to change my own thinking and calm myself down. There's a fear of failure that comes with responsibility isn't there? If I actually have to do something, I might mess it up, right? Many times, I've read that people wish AS or high functioning Autism have a chronic fear of failure. I think the last thing any of us wants to do is avoid having a life, so that we avoid failing, right?
So, with that in mind I share this. Ready? The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are designed to be a different way of thinking to help regain serenity for those whose lives are affected by the turmoil of alcoholism. Am I saying you are an alcoholic? No. Don't worry, I'm not. :). Am I saying you have alcoholics in you're family? Nope. Don't worry. The thing is, these "steps" can help someone living in fear or anxiety to regain their piece of mind, whether their life is affected by someone's drinking or not. I am not a doctor. What I'm saying is based on personal opinion and experience. These are not steps that one tries to cram into their head and memorize all at once, and think "Man, that's just too much to memorize.". It's not memorizing. It's more like stepping stones to thinking differently.
So, with that in mind I'm gonna go through the 12 steps, keeping them in tact, but removing all references to alcohol, specifically... And showing how these principles can work for anyone.
Some of this, you will not agree with.
I encourage you to simply, take what you like, and leave the rest.
1. We admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank); that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (as we understood) Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except, when to do so, would injure them, or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God (as we understood) him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us, and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
As you can see, there's actually only one reference to alcohol in all 12 steps. It's in the first step, and I put parentheses.
Let me be clear in saying that we are NOT powerless over the choices WE make.
But we are powerless over the choices others make and the things that they do. We are powerless over most circumstances and most of the demands put on us in a day; powerless over others moods and temperaments. We're powerless over the things others say, but we as individuals are not powerless over how we react (or not) to our circumstances. Anyway, the sensitivity of temperament and fear of transitions or change that can come with having AS or Autism can sometimes leave us with a great deal of anxiety over unknowns and things that require transitions. I offer these steps as ways to maybe regain perspective. They do not have to be done in any order or in any time period. I for one, like to use them as a guide to put my thinking back in order when it becomes garbled or distorted.
Friday, October 5, 2012
How Does That Work? (Could it be Better for Those With AS to Stay Single?)
I was just reading an article about the way that AS an Autism can affect men in relationships. I thought the perspective in the article was to the point and had a lot of good things to say. At the end of the article there were 29 comments, a few of which were from women who'd been married to men with AS for many years. One woman had accepted the fact that her husband was not able to show her any affection. She said she loved him and that there were some positive things taking place. Another woman said that it,s good to remind your partner with AS that it's important for them to tell others how much they are loved and appreciated. Another woman said that, being married to a man with AS, she learned that she was responsible for building a life. Yet another woman was in complete agony (or she seemed to be). She said her husband was not able to reciprocate any emotion, and that over the years, she had lost her physical and emotional health. I sat there totally perplexed.
These women's responses did not surprise me. The reason I was perplexed is because I'm not sure I understand how a guy with AS even know 's he's in love in the first place. This statement is not an insult. Since the article was about men with AS, I'm gonna stick with that. Okay, so, if a guy with AS or Autism expresses emotion differently, and he seems to have so much trouble returning affection, how does he know he's in love with her in the first place? I mean, what "creates the spark". What "turns that light on" if you will? My point is that he has to feel something for her at some point. Is she an "obsession" that he forms? How does that work? I suppose that since all people are different, each answer would be different. But I wonder, on the whole, might it be better (more simplified) for people with AS or autism to stay single, rather than being in a marriage/ relationship. Again, I'm sure this is not true in every case.
The thing is... women NEED affirmation, they NEED sensitivity and gentleness, They NEED physical affection that is not sex (hugs kisses, back rubs, tossing their hair, etc.). Women NEED their man to take them in their arms and just hold them. They need the flutters and warm tingles and shivers of excitement that come when he holds her hand. Women need to know that when they are hurt or afraid, they can cry on their husband's shoulder (literally) and he will not be angry with her because her emotions get in the way of what he's doing. They need to know that he will lay aside what he's doing and give her attention when she needs him to hear what she's saying. These are not optional, guys. This is part of who women are and the above things I mentioned are a lot of what makes a woman feel safe in a relationship. This is absolutely essential for a woman. When she doesn't feel safe and secure in a relationship, she will pull away emotionally and physically, and she will resent (eventually) the man that she's with because he doesn't do anything about it.
So, if he simply is not aware, and doesn't realize what he doesn't realize, and most likely does not talk to her (maybe because he does not think there is any reason to), what does a woman build that relationship on? Maybe I should say, what does a MAN build that relationship on? What makes him pursue her in the first place?
These women's responses did not surprise me. The reason I was perplexed is because I'm not sure I understand how a guy with AS even know 's he's in love in the first place. This statement is not an insult. Since the article was about men with AS, I'm gonna stick with that. Okay, so, if a guy with AS or Autism expresses emotion differently, and he seems to have so much trouble returning affection, how does he know he's in love with her in the first place? I mean, what "creates the spark". What "turns that light on" if you will? My point is that he has to feel something for her at some point. Is she an "obsession" that he forms? How does that work? I suppose that since all people are different, each answer would be different. But I wonder, on the whole, might it be better (more simplified) for people with AS or autism to stay single, rather than being in a marriage/ relationship. Again, I'm sure this is not true in every case.
The thing is... women NEED affirmation, they NEED sensitivity and gentleness, They NEED physical affection that is not sex (hugs kisses, back rubs, tossing their hair, etc.). Women NEED their man to take them in their arms and just hold them. They need the flutters and warm tingles and shivers of excitement that come when he holds her hand. Women need to know that when they are hurt or afraid, they can cry on their husband's shoulder (literally) and he will not be angry with her because her emotions get in the way of what he's doing. They need to know that he will lay aside what he's doing and give her attention when she needs him to hear what she's saying. These are not optional, guys. This is part of who women are and the above things I mentioned are a lot of what makes a woman feel safe in a relationship. This is absolutely essential for a woman. When she doesn't feel safe and secure in a relationship, she will pull away emotionally and physically, and she will resent (eventually) the man that she's with because he doesn't do anything about it.
So, if he simply is not aware, and doesn't realize what he doesn't realize, and most likely does not talk to her (maybe because he does not think there is any reason to), what does a woman build that relationship on? Maybe I should say, what does a MAN build that relationship on? What makes him pursue her in the first place?
Monday, October 1, 2012
Just Ticking Over?
You know, I think Chris Reeve was right.
He said in an interview once that disability (money) in the country was only designed to keep people with severe conditions "ticking over" while living with those conditions... But not enough to really help them get better or be productive.
Now, I realize that the government cannot ( and should not) do everything. But A YouTube Video that I just found proves the point in a different way. An adult with AS needs an aide to help him get through his day because of his heightened senses and the anxiety they cause....
But he's too intelligent to qualify for any such assistance paid for by the government. A very talented artist, he has all the ability in the world to make his own living... He just needs a little help! :). According to the law, his IQ must be 70 or lower to qualify for any sort of assistance. But what does IQ have to do with too much noise or dizziness, or nervousness, or in my case, terrible balance?
This subject hits home for me too because I have a lot of difficulty multi-tasking. There's always a point where my brain is on overload and I need to stop. I get migraine headaches caused by TMJ Syndrome (which can be caused by a lot of things ( excessive teeth grinding over time is one). But never have I heard of any job where you can stop when your brain is on overloaded, or the whole side of your face hurts, at which time you need to lay down in a dark room (bright light... Bad!). My dentist informed me that this soreness would make it's way down into my neck and shoulders too, which it has. For me, a migraine can last several hours. I'm learning to manage the condition as best I can, but am unable to cure it. All of this... And I have not even mentioned the Cerebral Palsy & the ( strong possibility of) AS. I do not drive. All of you out there on the road, can be glad that I don't... Believe me, it would be an accident waiting to happen!
Anyway, I choose not to go into anymore of my conditions here. Suffice it to say that most of what I do best is on my computer (or IPad) at home. I've just not found a way to make any money at that! :). It just seems to me that the criteria for what is or is not a disabling condition should not be such an inside out maze to navigate your way through.
http://m.youtube.com/index?&desktop_uri=%2F#/watch?v=kOhDWcwUjAg
He said in an interview once that disability (money) in the country was only designed to keep people with severe conditions "ticking over" while living with those conditions... But not enough to really help them get better or be productive.
Now, I realize that the government cannot ( and should not) do everything. But A YouTube Video that I just found proves the point in a different way. An adult with AS needs an aide to help him get through his day because of his heightened senses and the anxiety they cause....
But he's too intelligent to qualify for any such assistance paid for by the government. A very talented artist, he has all the ability in the world to make his own living... He just needs a little help! :). According to the law, his IQ must be 70 or lower to qualify for any sort of assistance. But what does IQ have to do with too much noise or dizziness, or nervousness, or in my case, terrible balance?
This subject hits home for me too because I have a lot of difficulty multi-tasking. There's always a point where my brain is on overload and I need to stop. I get migraine headaches caused by TMJ Syndrome (which can be caused by a lot of things ( excessive teeth grinding over time is one). But never have I heard of any job where you can stop when your brain is on overloaded, or the whole side of your face hurts, at which time you need to lay down in a dark room (bright light... Bad!). My dentist informed me that this soreness would make it's way down into my neck and shoulders too, which it has. For me, a migraine can last several hours. I'm learning to manage the condition as best I can, but am unable to cure it. All of this... And I have not even mentioned the Cerebral Palsy & the ( strong possibility of) AS. I do not drive. All of you out there on the road, can be glad that I don't... Believe me, it would be an accident waiting to happen!
Anyway, I choose not to go into anymore of my conditions here. Suffice it to say that most of what I do best is on my computer (or IPad) at home. I've just not found a way to make any money at that! :). It just seems to me that the criteria for what is or is not a disabling condition should not be such an inside out maze to navigate your way through.
http://m.youtube.com/index?&desktop_uri=%2F#/watch?v=kOhDWcwUjAg
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