Sunday, September 30, 2012
Why Does That Have to Happen?
Sometimes I wish I could just live by myself and never have to worry about another person again as long as l lived. When somebody disrupts my thought process, I get distracted and I usually make stupid mistakes... At which time somebody else has to correct what I did, because I have no idea how to fix whatever went wrong. I hate that like something I can't explain. It makes me feel useless and stupid. When I'm by myself, I can think things through and there's nobody there to disrupt my thought process, so even if I make a mistake I can catch it right away... No problem. When there are too many things going on around me I can't concentrate. People ask me questions about things in order to prevent the wrong thing from happening and.mistakes get made. Couple that with a need to prove to people how capable you are about things... And what you have is a giant mess. A mess that nobody else thinks is a mess because they just get over it right away like nothing happened. It does no good to try and tell people how bad I feel. They don't think it's that big a deal anyway. I am alone in this. I have to find something to do with this horrible, sinking... I just wanna cry sorta feeling. I have no idea what to do. There's no place that I can go and work it out.. I've just gotta act like Nothing's wrong. I hate it. I just fucking hate it. I wonder where everybody else gets this magical ability to just recover from things and go on. I soooooo wish I had that! I don't understand what that's like. How can you even explain how bad something is, when everybody's trying to convince you it's not? Does all of this prove that I really do have AS? I wish I knew. I wish I had money to even be tested for it!!!!!! I can't handle just a suspicion of having it anymore. I need to know!!! What am I going to do?
Friday, September 28, 2012
Just Some Busy Nothing's
Have no idea what I should write about today. Really... My mind is blank, which is weird because even when I'm sitting quietly, I have a million ideas of things I wanna write or look up, or something. So, if I were to randomly write like I randomly say things out loud, would I get anywhere? Hmmm... William Saroyan is hurried here, ya know... In the town where I live. He was born and died here... But went many places in between. I've often wondered which house was his. It's not a tourist attraction or anything. Guess no one offered to take up that job... So his house is sitting in a neighborhood here, but who would know about it? Anyway... I don't think I know any of his writing. Fresno State has a lot of info on him, because he (of course) was born here.
They are supposed to have one of the best Creative Writing programs around, but I can't afford to enroll anyway. Everything is so freaking expensive now, you know? How does anybody afford anything? My nephew has put together this rather sophisticated Lego train. He's asked me to play with him, and I told him I would. :). Poor kid! I mean... I've blown him off so much lately :). So I think I should fix that! Later!
They are supposed to have one of the best Creative Writing programs around, but I can't afford to enroll anyway. Everything is so freaking expensive now, you know? How does anybody afford anything? My nephew has put together this rather sophisticated Lego train. He's asked me to play with him, and I told him I would. :). Poor kid! I mean... I've blown him off so much lately :). So I think I should fix that! Later!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
The Duh I Don't Get: Figures of Speech
The Duh I Don't Get: Figures of Speech: Ha! I may have an English degree, but I don't know why a "figure of speech" is called a figure of speech. I know what it IS... But I don't...
Figures of Speech
Ha! I may have an English degree, but I don't know why a "figure of speech" is called a figure of speech. I know what it IS... But I don't know why it's called by that name. For instance, if I said "That kid was 'screaming bloody murder'", that's a figure of speech that means a child was screaming really loudly... And it was frightening... Yeah? I mean, I suppose that if anyone literally walked into a room and yelled the words "bloody murder," this would be pretty startling. Anyway, I suppose this figure of speech is supposed to be more creative at conveying emotion because it gives us this "picture" (in this case... Blood?) to express how horrible the screams sounded. (yikes!). Anyway, what's wrong with just saying the child's screams were way too loud or something like that? Is it boring? Is it too direct? Does it make us SOUND intelligent? (We think?) to say "bloody murder"?
I'm inclined to think it's the third choice. But I think figure's of speech are also ways of simplifying complicated ideas. Concepts that can take paragraphs to explain are simplified to a single statement. For instance, if you say to a person
"Beggars can't be choosers". That means, someone who has been going crazy wanting something in any variety they can get CAN'T then say, "No I want a different KIND" when that thing comes their way... A car, for example. But to say all that every time is a lot of words, so we "simplify" it, and use the figure of speech instead. I think the problem comes when the figures of speech become so "cliche'd" that we're not even sure what they literally mean anymore. For instance, if someone says, "We're gonna paint the town red.". That means. "We're gonna go out (to various places) and our goal is to have a lot of fun.". So what does red paint have to do with it? :). Just a figure of speech...sure. But what's that? :)
Anyway, this could be fun. I thought I'd take some figures of speech and explain what they literally mean...
1. "A spade is a spade"
This means the same thing as "what you see is what you get.". It means, you need to realistically accept what a person or situation actually is, rather than kidding yourself that there is something else there. It just "is what it is"... Nothing more.
2. "There's plenty of fish in the sea"
I think everybody hates and loves this one at the same time. It conveys both agony and joy. It means don't worry about the person that you're no longer romantically involved with, because there are plenty of others you can meet.
3. "So, that's the way the wind blows."
It means, so that's the result of something someone did, or that's the outcome of certain choices. It's usually used when someone has had a feeling that something's been going on around them, but they aren't sure what. But it means negativity, like "oh, so that's what's been going on behind my back," or "without me knowing about it."
4. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."
This means if someone has been around a long time and they are used to doing things a certain way, chances are, others won't succeed at teaching them to do those things a different way. They are "set in their ways," as people say.
5. "Snooze ya loose!"
It pretty much explains itself: hurry and get it before it's gone! If you wait, there won't be any left.
6. "If that's not the pot calling the kettle black!"
This means basically, if you don't want to be judged, then do not judge others (please).
7. "When it rains, it pours!"
This refers to when a person spends a long time waiting to see even the smallest results of what they've done, and all of the sudden, everything they've waited for seems to come too fast, and all at once. This can refer to positive or negative circumstances... Yours personally, or someone else's.
8. "You could just knock me over with a feather!"
This means, I'm so shocked and surprised by what's happened I can barely stand up! (you could say).
9. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
This means I can show you all the steps you need to take to get certain results, but I can't make you actually do the work.
Or, even more accurately, it means "I can offer you the help you need, but I can't make you accept it."
10. "That man is such a stuffed shirt."
Why do we say "stuffed shirt"? This refers to someone who we believe is angry much of the time because of their seemingly "aloof" personality. They don't seem to speak much and show very little expression of feeling. Sometimes it refers to someone who we believe is generally no fun.
11. I'm walking on eggshells"
This is a person who is scared and nervous around another person because that person tends to get angry easily. The easiest translation is: "I don't know what to do because I'm afraid I'll do the wrong thing."
12. "I've created a monster."
This means something started out as a good idea but now it's too big for me to handle.
So what's the point of this? Well, this blog is called The "duh"I don't get, because when people point out something that they believe is just "common" sense (or that it doesn't even need to be said), they'll say "Duh!". But not everyone gets what they mean. To take this a bit further, people with Autism or AS often have a hard time I think with figures of speech, or cliche's because the meaning of a figure of speech is implied, rather than stated directly. The meaning is "underneath" the words you could say. This can be a mess for some people to pick through, where as, for neuro-typicals tend to use figures of speech much more than saying things literally. Pretty interesting I think! :)
I'm inclined to think it's the third choice. But I think figure's of speech are also ways of simplifying complicated ideas. Concepts that can take paragraphs to explain are simplified to a single statement. For instance, if you say to a person
"Beggars can't be choosers". That means, someone who has been going crazy wanting something in any variety they can get CAN'T then say, "No I want a different KIND" when that thing comes their way... A car, for example. But to say all that every time is a lot of words, so we "simplify" it, and use the figure of speech instead. I think the problem comes when the figures of speech become so "cliche'd" that we're not even sure what they literally mean anymore. For instance, if someone says, "We're gonna paint the town red.". That means. "We're gonna go out (to various places) and our goal is to have a lot of fun.". So what does red paint have to do with it? :). Just a figure of speech...sure. But what's that? :)
Anyway, this could be fun. I thought I'd take some figures of speech and explain what they literally mean...
1. "A spade is a spade"
This means the same thing as "what you see is what you get.". It means, you need to realistically accept what a person or situation actually is, rather than kidding yourself that there is something else there. It just "is what it is"... Nothing more.
2. "There's plenty of fish in the sea"
I think everybody hates and loves this one at the same time. It conveys both agony and joy. It means don't worry about the person that you're no longer romantically involved with, because there are plenty of others you can meet.
3. "So, that's the way the wind blows."
It means, so that's the result of something someone did, or that's the outcome of certain choices. It's usually used when someone has had a feeling that something's been going on around them, but they aren't sure what. But it means negativity, like "oh, so that's what's been going on behind my back," or "without me knowing about it."
4. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."
This means if someone has been around a long time and they are used to doing things a certain way, chances are, others won't succeed at teaching them to do those things a different way. They are "set in their ways," as people say.
5. "Snooze ya loose!"
It pretty much explains itself: hurry and get it before it's gone! If you wait, there won't be any left.
6. "If that's not the pot calling the kettle black!"
This means basically, if you don't want to be judged, then do not judge others (please).
7. "When it rains, it pours!"
This refers to when a person spends a long time waiting to see even the smallest results of what they've done, and all of the sudden, everything they've waited for seems to come too fast, and all at once. This can refer to positive or negative circumstances... Yours personally, or someone else's.
8. "You could just knock me over with a feather!"
This means, I'm so shocked and surprised by what's happened I can barely stand up! (you could say).
9. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
This means I can show you all the steps you need to take to get certain results, but I can't make you actually do the work.
Or, even more accurately, it means "I can offer you the help you need, but I can't make you accept it."
10. "That man is such a stuffed shirt."
Why do we say "stuffed shirt"? This refers to someone who we believe is angry much of the time because of their seemingly "aloof" personality. They don't seem to speak much and show very little expression of feeling. Sometimes it refers to someone who we believe is generally no fun.
11. I'm walking on eggshells"
This is a person who is scared and nervous around another person because that person tends to get angry easily. The easiest translation is: "I don't know what to do because I'm afraid I'll do the wrong thing."
12. "I've created a monster."
This means something started out as a good idea but now it's too big for me to handle.
So what's the point of this? Well, this blog is called The "duh"I don't get, because when people point out something that they believe is just "common" sense (or that it doesn't even need to be said), they'll say "Duh!". But not everyone gets what they mean. To take this a bit further, people with Autism or AS often have a hard time I think with figures of speech, or cliche's because the meaning of a figure of speech is implied, rather than stated directly. The meaning is "underneath" the words you could say. This can be a mess for some people to pick through, where as, for neuro-typicals tend to use figures of speech much more than saying things literally. Pretty interesting I think! :)
Monday, September 24, 2012
Through the Looking Glass
It seems to me that people with AS or Autism feel a great deal of empathy for others... But they feel it (or see it) through the mirror of their own experiences.
I can't count how many times in conversation, I have apologized to the other person for turning the conversation back on myself. I understand... This is rude, and it makes the other person/people feel left out. I know I feel awful when I'm left out of conversations and I can't have the same understanding of a subject because somehow, something got lost in translation. Anyway, If I feel that way, how do others feel when I treat them the same way?
The sucky thing is that, usually, little things that bother me a great deal.... Don't have the same affect on others around me. "They" may not have even given such a trivial thing a second thought, but for me... That little thing would be a big deal. Damn... Just when I thought I had some common ground with somebody.
Anyway, I think we can feel empathy like we need to breathe air... Really.
But sometimes it doesn't "register" with us that our actions ( or lack there of) are not communicating the message that we are thinking and feeling at the time. For instance, we can see someone that we have missed like we can't explain, and want to run and give them the biggest bear hug and scream their name. But we worry a lot about leveling people with our strong sense of what we feel, so we learn to pull back, and not say as much. Sometimes what we don't say can really drive us nuts from the inside out, but for the sake of appearing "normal", we hold back. The irony being that we appear aloof and quiet and shy and perhaps even appear as though we can't stand up for ourselves. Add to this an often trusting and even gullible nature and... Well let's just say that we have to make sure that we know ourselves well enough to protect ourselves, don't we? More tomorrow! :)
I can't count how many times in conversation, I have apologized to the other person for turning the conversation back on myself. I understand... This is rude, and it makes the other person/people feel left out. I know I feel awful when I'm left out of conversations and I can't have the same understanding of a subject because somehow, something got lost in translation. Anyway, If I feel that way, how do others feel when I treat them the same way?
The sucky thing is that, usually, little things that bother me a great deal.... Don't have the same affect on others around me. "They" may not have even given such a trivial thing a second thought, but for me... That little thing would be a big deal. Damn... Just when I thought I had some common ground with somebody.
Anyway, I think we can feel empathy like we need to breathe air... Really.
But sometimes it doesn't "register" with us that our actions ( or lack there of) are not communicating the message that we are thinking and feeling at the time. For instance, we can see someone that we have missed like we can't explain, and want to run and give them the biggest bear hug and scream their name. But we worry a lot about leveling people with our strong sense of what we feel, so we learn to pull back, and not say as much. Sometimes what we don't say can really drive us nuts from the inside out, but for the sake of appearing "normal", we hold back. The irony being that we appear aloof and quiet and shy and perhaps even appear as though we can't stand up for ourselves. Add to this an often trusting and even gullible nature and... Well let's just say that we have to make sure that we know ourselves well enough to protect ourselves, don't we? More tomorrow! :)
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Getting to know you...
I'm notorious for trying too hard.
Just know that right off the top. I analyze things too much and tend to wear myself out. I can either feel so good or so (not good) about something that I can over correct all my actions and end up ruining something before it even starts.
Anyway, One thing I've always wondered about is how to know whether you are "leading" a guy or not. But I have to say first that I don't know WHY it is that most of the time, when you see the "criteria" for Autism and AS, it says "a lack of empathy for other people." I think this gives neurotypical people the impression that all Autistics are either like robots, or like Rain Man. Neither is true. In fact, to be quite honest, I myself have thought for a long time that those who are Autistic either cannot speak at all, or they are like "Rain Man".
I feel empathy down to my very bones. Like it gets right into the marrow. It's like a violent storm that won't settle down. Sometimes, between me feeling that empathy and EXPRESSING it...it's like there is either a "bad connection" or a "short circuit," if you will. I know what I want to express, but I can't ever seem to really get it out. This can cause strange things to happen, because rather than showing empathy...I show sheer frustration, anger, crankiness... Because I'm so bummed about not being able to fix everything and make it alright. I want to make everything perfect for everyone around me, but am forced to accept the fact that this is not possible.
Add to this, the fact that if you think this way, you're generally considered conceited... A perfectionist. People don't want be around you... That type of thing. Imagine a garden hose being turned on full blast, and right before the gush of water everywhere... The hose gets a kink. Now imagine that water is your (my) emotions. (Empathy). There's all kinds of water there...it's running FAST, and all you see getting out is...this... S l O W... Trickle.
A gentleman made a video in response to the question about guys and girls and dating and "leading". He said (and I agree with him) that it is not okay for a girl to ask a guy out. He did a thorough job talking about women being cautious and careful because many guys do not have the best intentions in mind. Got it. He spoke about physical touch, and I really got the sense that what he was referring to were boundaries. Where should the boundaries be in dating?
Okay, you know me...I'm gonna be perfectly honest here. This person's video response to that question really got me thinking about how I might respond if somebody asked me the same thing. It was really cool cause I got a lot of ideas :) Now, I will say it again, I do not know for certain whether I have AS or Autism. I need to be tested. Right now, I have a strong suspicion that I may have AS, which is what led to the writing of this blog. But, putting even that aside for a minute, I think the best way for me to word all of this is to just tell my own story.
Imagine a freshly peeled piece of fruit that has fallen in the dirt. I like peaches because they are so delicate, but the kind of fruit doesn't matter. Now imagine that fruit being kicked and stomped a bit, and turning brown because of the air... That sorta thing. In the end, you have a bruised mess that will most likely go unnoticed. Anyway, if I were to generally describe a certain "insecurity" that has sort of surrounded me or maybe "loomed" over me in life...I'd describe it like that. Having this general sense that I was unprotected. I wasn't really.
I was safe, I just always sensed that there was this very vulnerable sort of "aura" around my life, and in my mind, I always seemed to be looking for a place to...crawl inside and stay. A tent, a warm blanket, a cave... Ha ha. A private island all to myself? :). Maybe even my Mother's womb? Hmmm, sorry about the imagery there, but so it was. Like an infant, I always wanted somebody to hold me. Literally, yes, but what I mean is...I would imagine this, and long for it in my mind. These images in my head would help me feel safe. And I began to long to know the man that I would marry at a young age. I was still a kid when this longing started, but when I reached junior high school I began to have my first real enthusiasm about the time that I would have a boyfriend.
Now, don't misunderstand me. When I was 12 & 13, I was playing with Barbie's and watching "The Mickey Mouse Club.". I was not old enough to be emotionally involved in any way with boys... And believe me...I knew this'. Even at that young age, I was like a teacher at my school telling all these naive young girls that they were... Getting into things that were not appropriate for their age! I was SUPPOSED to play with Barbie's and watch the Mickey Mouse Club"... I was a little girl for crying out loud.
The thing is, the other girls and guys around me were generally doing things that I thought were absolutely ludicrous! For instance, dating, relationships... Boys... Dare I say...virginity (yep) :). The student's around me were nasty and crass and rather "rough around the edges" emotionally. It's occurring to me now, that these were the "neuro typical" students who apparently, did not have the sort of "social dyslexia" that I seemed to have. I got along with my instructors much better than my peers!
Now, when I became a teen ager, I became intensely interested in having a boyfriend. In many ways, I was the same as any other teen age girl...I wanted to be accepted and liked by my friends. I wanted to be talented (which I was) and have people notice it... Sure. But being "popular"...? There would be seconds in life when I would want it... But seconds are fleeting aren't they? My point is that popularity was never truly my thing because I've never been interested in "figuring out" what it is that makes a person popular. So, when I was the right age to date, I was not really into it because I was so apprehensive about it. Now when you take what I said about empathy (and me), and consider that the same goes for loyalty and then you try to apply that to the whole dating thing, what you have is a very WEIRD paradox.
This paradox existed because my sense of loyalty and "oneness" would not (if you will) allow me to date. Now, there's nothing wrong with going out with someone and having a wonderful night. But I'd much rather it be family, or close friend's. Anyway, when I was 16, I did meet the guy that I'd been waiting for. We had an intense relationship that lasted two years... And then, we abruptly broke up. Now, I'm just gonna say it...I have never completely gotten over him. I loved him and still do today. I realized then, that, as far as I knew, I didn't want anybody else. This is normal for a while after you lose somebody. You're hurting, you need time to recover, and in your mind, you're still loyal to that person (of course). So, we go through it... The stages of grief... The denial, shock, etc.
The thing is... For me, when I broke up with that person, it felt as though something inside of me started to bleed, if you will... And it never really stopped. And here, is where I must come into the present. Way back then, when I was 18, this terrible ache seemed to just plant itself inside somewhere. I recognized it alright. I'd had one other serious relationship before this guy. THAT relationship had been my "You can do much better...he's a jerk" relationship. When that break-up happened, of course, I thought I'd never get over it... I'd never been through it it before! But I definitely did get over that, and was eagerly anticipating whatever God had in store for me next. But, the second relationship (the one that lasted two years) left a pain with me that just blindsided me. It literally left me unable to enter into another relationship with someone else. I wanted to... And still want to. And for years, I've just thought that eventually someone else would come along. God would bring someone else into my life when the time was right.
Now, as much as I hate to admit this...I need to. I have become desperate for a relationship. Don't get me wrong... I GET that this is is NOT good. I don't want to cling on to anyone! (yes I do!). But I've always been afraid to admit this to people because this is the BIGGEST no no in relationships. Besides, who wants somebody who NEEDS them? Well, sometimes people do... And it always turns out sick. This is not for me. Momma didn't raise no fool, so... Suffice it to say, I know better than that! But what the heck happened to me anyway? Is this the "timeless" love I'd always wanted? It certainly has "endured.". But I wanted to be WITH him, not without him :(
So I've been wondering now, about those who have autism and AS... And the "world" they will step into in order to help them cope with the real one.
"I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with ghost's."
This was one of Hannah's lines from the English patient. Now that I know what I know about Autism and AS...it seems to me that the shock of losing him all those years ago caused me to create a world around me with his "ghost" in it. But you can't really have a relationship with a ghost (DUH!). I think, unconsciously, I did it to survive what I was going through. But then later... Even when I wanted to grow up and "thrive" instead of just surviving, I had no idea how to do this. I had no idea how to "cope" with the idea of allowing myself to be that deeply involved with anyone else. In my narrow scope of thinking, it was like... This is one shot...and that's all I know.
I was left with intense loneliness, and no matter how hard I would try to shake it off, I never really could. Now, I had friend's, and interests and I was online :). I was deeply involved in my church, I wrote all the time, I took college classes, I did volunteer work, I moved out of my mom's house and experienced a room mate for six months (which was a disaster :) but it was life experience. :). Moved back into mom's house and was eventually able to find an apartment on my own that I could afford! Anyway, as outta place as I felt I felt, I do believe I had a pretty exciting life. I loved living alone because U had all the quiet time I needed.
Why is all this important? Because I was told many times that I needed to have other interests...I needed to have a life. As far as I knew...I did! But I couldn't stop feeling so lousy! Here's the hardest one: "When you're not looking for it...it will be there." Great. Well, when I figure out how to wire my brain differently, I'll let ya know! This concept is crazy to me. The only thing I know to do is find your objective and go after it...period. But if I'm going after"him" in my mind, then how can he come to me and get me? I don't understand backing off and letting it COME to you. To me, there is no way that I could ever really "let it go.". I find that I just can't stop thinking about wanting to be in a relationship. It doesn't seem to matter what else I fill my mind with... fill my life with. I'm not a miserable person. I'm very proud of who God has made me to be. Sometimes, I wish that I didn't want a relationship. But anyway, there I go again being politically correct.
It's a relief to know that people with AS and Autism struggle with a lot of anxiety... Because I do! Trying not to be anxious doesn't work because it just burns more energy. So...all of this internal mess is bound to come "leaking out" at some point. Anyway... My sense of loyalty just won't allow me to date and do it comfortably. And that's okay because not everybody's made for that. I'd rather a nice guy get to know me gradually in my normal, everyday life... And then see what magic happens. It WILL happen...I'm sure of that...I just can't seem to meet the guy (as of yet). I'm sure it will happen at some point, but leading an unorthodox life in the first place because I'm wired differently can make the alone-ness seem too much at times...the huge irony being that Autism really means "one.". My relationship with Jesus helps me walk through the struggles and cope with this general sense that I just seem to stick out like a sore thumb.
But I choose to look at it like this: I am a pearl. A pearl of great price. The man who puts a ring on my finger, will have gained a timeless treasure. The price that my Savior paid for me, was NOT cheap... And the right man will know that. I cannot be cast before swine (if you will). I know that was never God's intent for me. My advice to ladies would be (hard as it can be), rise up, and know that God is saving you for just the right man at just the right time...And He WILL lead him to you. Position yourself, and patiently wait... (it may be a long time, but you can do it). When your husband wins you, he'll love you with all his heart.
My hope, is that I can just "mind my own business" long enough for him to step into my life. He's out there...I know it. And I believe that one day, when I am just being completely consumed with the amazing woman that I am, he'll be watching me...whoever he is. :)
Just know that right off the top. I analyze things too much and tend to wear myself out. I can either feel so good or so (not good) about something that I can over correct all my actions and end up ruining something before it even starts.
Anyway, One thing I've always wondered about is how to know whether you are "leading" a guy or not. But I have to say first that I don't know WHY it is that most of the time, when you see the "criteria" for Autism and AS, it says "a lack of empathy for other people." I think this gives neurotypical people the impression that all Autistics are either like robots, or like Rain Man. Neither is true. In fact, to be quite honest, I myself have thought for a long time that those who are Autistic either cannot speak at all, or they are like "Rain Man".
I feel empathy down to my very bones. Like it gets right into the marrow. It's like a violent storm that won't settle down. Sometimes, between me feeling that empathy and EXPRESSING it...it's like there is either a "bad connection" or a "short circuit," if you will. I know what I want to express, but I can't ever seem to really get it out. This can cause strange things to happen, because rather than showing empathy...I show sheer frustration, anger, crankiness... Because I'm so bummed about not being able to fix everything and make it alright. I want to make everything perfect for everyone around me, but am forced to accept the fact that this is not possible.
Add to this, the fact that if you think this way, you're generally considered conceited... A perfectionist. People don't want be around you... That type of thing. Imagine a garden hose being turned on full blast, and right before the gush of water everywhere... The hose gets a kink. Now imagine that water is your (my) emotions. (Empathy). There's all kinds of water there...it's running FAST, and all you see getting out is...this... S l O W... Trickle.
A gentleman made a video in response to the question about guys and girls and dating and "leading". He said (and I agree with him) that it is not okay for a girl to ask a guy out. He did a thorough job talking about women being cautious and careful because many guys do not have the best intentions in mind. Got it. He spoke about physical touch, and I really got the sense that what he was referring to were boundaries. Where should the boundaries be in dating?
Okay, you know me...I'm gonna be perfectly honest here. This person's video response to that question really got me thinking about how I might respond if somebody asked me the same thing. It was really cool cause I got a lot of ideas :) Now, I will say it again, I do not know for certain whether I have AS or Autism. I need to be tested. Right now, I have a strong suspicion that I may have AS, which is what led to the writing of this blog. But, putting even that aside for a minute, I think the best way for me to word all of this is to just tell my own story.
Imagine a freshly peeled piece of fruit that has fallen in the dirt. I like peaches because they are so delicate, but the kind of fruit doesn't matter. Now imagine that fruit being kicked and stomped a bit, and turning brown because of the air... That sorta thing. In the end, you have a bruised mess that will most likely go unnoticed. Anyway, if I were to generally describe a certain "insecurity" that has sort of surrounded me or maybe "loomed" over me in life...I'd describe it like that. Having this general sense that I was unprotected. I wasn't really.
I was safe, I just always sensed that there was this very vulnerable sort of "aura" around my life, and in my mind, I always seemed to be looking for a place to...crawl inside and stay. A tent, a warm blanket, a cave... Ha ha. A private island all to myself? :). Maybe even my Mother's womb? Hmmm, sorry about the imagery there, but so it was. Like an infant, I always wanted somebody to hold me. Literally, yes, but what I mean is...I would imagine this, and long for it in my mind. These images in my head would help me feel safe. And I began to long to know the man that I would marry at a young age. I was still a kid when this longing started, but when I reached junior high school I began to have my first real enthusiasm about the time that I would have a boyfriend.
Now, don't misunderstand me. When I was 12 & 13, I was playing with Barbie's and watching "The Mickey Mouse Club.". I was not old enough to be emotionally involved in any way with boys... And believe me...I knew this'. Even at that young age, I was like a teacher at my school telling all these naive young girls that they were... Getting into things that were not appropriate for their age! I was SUPPOSED to play with Barbie's and watch the Mickey Mouse Club"... I was a little girl for crying out loud.
The thing is, the other girls and guys around me were generally doing things that I thought were absolutely ludicrous! For instance, dating, relationships... Boys... Dare I say...virginity (yep) :). The student's around me were nasty and crass and rather "rough around the edges" emotionally. It's occurring to me now, that these were the "neuro typical" students who apparently, did not have the sort of "social dyslexia" that I seemed to have. I got along with my instructors much better than my peers!
Now, when I became a teen ager, I became intensely interested in having a boyfriend. In many ways, I was the same as any other teen age girl...I wanted to be accepted and liked by my friends. I wanted to be talented (which I was) and have people notice it... Sure. But being "popular"...? There would be seconds in life when I would want it... But seconds are fleeting aren't they? My point is that popularity was never truly my thing because I've never been interested in "figuring out" what it is that makes a person popular. So, when I was the right age to date, I was not really into it because I was so apprehensive about it. Now when you take what I said about empathy (and me), and consider that the same goes for loyalty and then you try to apply that to the whole dating thing, what you have is a very WEIRD paradox.
This paradox existed because my sense of loyalty and "oneness" would not (if you will) allow me to date. Now, there's nothing wrong with going out with someone and having a wonderful night. But I'd much rather it be family, or close friend's. Anyway, when I was 16, I did meet the guy that I'd been waiting for. We had an intense relationship that lasted two years... And then, we abruptly broke up. Now, I'm just gonna say it...I have never completely gotten over him. I loved him and still do today. I realized then, that, as far as I knew, I didn't want anybody else. This is normal for a while after you lose somebody. You're hurting, you need time to recover, and in your mind, you're still loyal to that person (of course). So, we go through it... The stages of grief... The denial, shock, etc.
The thing is... For me, when I broke up with that person, it felt as though something inside of me started to bleed, if you will... And it never really stopped. And here, is where I must come into the present. Way back then, when I was 18, this terrible ache seemed to just plant itself inside somewhere. I recognized it alright. I'd had one other serious relationship before this guy. THAT relationship had been my "You can do much better...he's a jerk" relationship. When that break-up happened, of course, I thought I'd never get over it... I'd never been through it it before! But I definitely did get over that, and was eagerly anticipating whatever God had in store for me next. But, the second relationship (the one that lasted two years) left a pain with me that just blindsided me. It literally left me unable to enter into another relationship with someone else. I wanted to... And still want to. And for years, I've just thought that eventually someone else would come along. God would bring someone else into my life when the time was right.
Now, as much as I hate to admit this...I need to. I have become desperate for a relationship. Don't get me wrong... I GET that this is is NOT good. I don't want to cling on to anyone! (yes I do!). But I've always been afraid to admit this to people because this is the BIGGEST no no in relationships. Besides, who wants somebody who NEEDS them? Well, sometimes people do... And it always turns out sick. This is not for me. Momma didn't raise no fool, so... Suffice it to say, I know better than that! But what the heck happened to me anyway? Is this the "timeless" love I'd always wanted? It certainly has "endured.". But I wanted to be WITH him, not without him :(
So I've been wondering now, about those who have autism and AS... And the "world" they will step into in order to help them cope with the real one.
"I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with ghost's."
This was one of Hannah's lines from the English patient. Now that I know what I know about Autism and AS...it seems to me that the shock of losing him all those years ago caused me to create a world around me with his "ghost" in it. But you can't really have a relationship with a ghost (DUH!). I think, unconsciously, I did it to survive what I was going through. But then later... Even when I wanted to grow up and "thrive" instead of just surviving, I had no idea how to do this. I had no idea how to "cope" with the idea of allowing myself to be that deeply involved with anyone else. In my narrow scope of thinking, it was like... This is one shot...and that's all I know.
I was left with intense loneliness, and no matter how hard I would try to shake it off, I never really could. Now, I had friend's, and interests and I was online :). I was deeply involved in my church, I wrote all the time, I took college classes, I did volunteer work, I moved out of my mom's house and experienced a room mate for six months (which was a disaster :) but it was life experience. :). Moved back into mom's house and was eventually able to find an apartment on my own that I could afford! Anyway, as outta place as I felt I felt, I do believe I had a pretty exciting life. I loved living alone because U had all the quiet time I needed.
Why is all this important? Because I was told many times that I needed to have other interests...I needed to have a life. As far as I knew...I did! But I couldn't stop feeling so lousy! Here's the hardest one: "When you're not looking for it...it will be there." Great. Well, when I figure out how to wire my brain differently, I'll let ya know! This concept is crazy to me. The only thing I know to do is find your objective and go after it...period. But if I'm going after"him" in my mind, then how can he come to me and get me? I don't understand backing off and letting it COME to you. To me, there is no way that I could ever really "let it go.". I find that I just can't stop thinking about wanting to be in a relationship. It doesn't seem to matter what else I fill my mind with... fill my life with. I'm not a miserable person. I'm very proud of who God has made me to be. Sometimes, I wish that I didn't want a relationship. But anyway, there I go again being politically correct.
It's a relief to know that people with AS and Autism struggle with a lot of anxiety... Because I do! Trying not to be anxious doesn't work because it just burns more energy. So...all of this internal mess is bound to come "leaking out" at some point. Anyway... My sense of loyalty just won't allow me to date and do it comfortably. And that's okay because not everybody's made for that. I'd rather a nice guy get to know me gradually in my normal, everyday life... And then see what magic happens. It WILL happen...I'm sure of that...I just can't seem to meet the guy (as of yet). I'm sure it will happen at some point, but leading an unorthodox life in the first place because I'm wired differently can make the alone-ness seem too much at times...the huge irony being that Autism really means "one.". My relationship with Jesus helps me walk through the struggles and cope with this general sense that I just seem to stick out like a sore thumb.
But I choose to look at it like this: I am a pearl. A pearl of great price. The man who puts a ring on my finger, will have gained a timeless treasure. The price that my Savior paid for me, was NOT cheap... And the right man will know that. I cannot be cast before swine (if you will). I know that was never God's intent for me. My advice to ladies would be (hard as it can be), rise up, and know that God is saving you for just the right man at just the right time...And He WILL lead him to you. Position yourself, and patiently wait... (it may be a long time, but you can do it). When your husband wins you, he'll love you with all his heart.
My hope, is that I can just "mind my own business" long enough for him to step into my life. He's out there...I know it. And I believe that one day, when I am just being completely consumed with the amazing woman that I am, he'll be watching me...whoever he is. :)
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Vulnerability
I want to be brief today.
I wonder if the length of my last post is evidence that I really do have AS. :)
The idea of God is very precious to me. I want so badly for others to know the joy that I've been able to experience... And sometimes I try to "explain" people into it. People have to come to their own understanding of God in their own time. Sometimes it just breaks my heart to think that anyone might never know Him because the feeling might be that he is inaccessible, or that He doesn't care about people.
It's been my experience that God knows my heart, my desires and feelings. And he knows them perfectly. When I need to verbalize everything going on around me, I know that God never gets tired of hearing me... No matter how many times I say things. This is such a comfort to me because I know I sometimes I ware people out with all my words. I can soften up. I can relax. The walls I have created around me can come down. Genuine vulnerability. It's wonderful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W09cYDx4Bp4
I wonder if the length of my last post is evidence that I really do have AS. :)
The idea of God is very precious to me. I want so badly for others to know the joy that I've been able to experience... And sometimes I try to "explain" people into it. People have to come to their own understanding of God in their own time. Sometimes it just breaks my heart to think that anyone might never know Him because the feeling might be that he is inaccessible, or that He doesn't care about people.
It's been my experience that God knows my heart, my desires and feelings. And he knows them perfectly. When I need to verbalize everything going on around me, I know that God never gets tired of hearing me... No matter how many times I say things. This is such a comfort to me because I know I sometimes I ware people out with all my words. I can soften up. I can relax. The walls I have created around me can come down. Genuine vulnerability. It's wonderful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W09cYDx4Bp4
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
GOD. (Just Some Thoughts).
I saw a YouTube video last night which suggests that people with AS or Autism may be more prone to being atheists than neuro-typicals.
In honesty, this did not surprise me but it did make me sad. The reason I was sad about this is because I always become a bit down hearted when I know that anyone does not experience the wonderful privilege of knowing the Lord as their savior. This is because, in my view... There is nothing like this freedom. I came to know the Lord as my personal savior at age 15. I can say with total certainty, that it was (and is) the best decision I've ever made. Now, as has been stated in this blog many times, I've not officially been diagnosed with AS or Autism. I have a strong suspicion that I have it, and so I've been researching it like crazy, which is what led to writing this blog.
The following are my own personal experiences and opinions based on knowing God as. I understand him.
I know, for me personally, I tend to be very cynical and suspicious... Distrusting of people's motives. My cynicism often will "choke" my willingness to be open minded about things. I tend to analyze things to death, which can often be to my detriment because it is difficult for me to be secure with what I cannot see. Even if I BELIEVE in something I do not see, it's very challenging to be secure in what is not seen because I can't control those things. It seems to me that more than anything, Aspie's want control, and predictability. They (we) want things we can "predict". Even when we can't see something (the wind, for example), we can predict that it will be there and take some measures to control how we are affected by it.
The idea of God can be unnerving for several reasons. We cannot see him, or feel him, or hear his voice audibly. What does he look like anyway? Is he tall, short, fat, thin? What color is his skin, hair, eyes? He's perfect (so you've probably been told). Well gee, we're not, are we? This opens up a whole different line of questioning... If he exists and he's perfect, why do so many imperfect things happen? Why do people call this loving? Why does the Bible call this loving? Well, as you can tell, we could be here all day just with questions, couldn't we?
But, I believe that the hardest thing for most of us to swallow about God, and the reason many people don't believe in him, is because of the fact that he wants us to allow him to take control of our lives. On a practical level, I think this seems rather rude and conceited to many of us. Here, if he DOES exist, we aren't even allowed to see his face, but he requires of us that we give everything over to him? He allows all these painful things in our lives, but the Bible says he's good and perfect? And maybe the hardest thing... Hell. What is Hell? Does it even exist? If God is so good, why do people go there? What about sin? Why must we be accepting that our "sin" is so unacceptable to a God who claims that he loves us?
This is a lot of questions and a lot of ideas. Just talking about God can make an Aspie want to escape and say why bother?. I mean, this topic can make an Aspie feel as though their head will explode! God is not an easy thing for neuro typicals to discuss...never mind all the pointless arguments for things! But, to the Aspie way of thinking, with seeing everything through the "lens" of themselves, torrents of emotion that can take over completely, an insatiable need for verbal explanations and tangible, physical proof, the idea of an unseen. All powerful, all knowing entity that requires control of our lives can be an insult (I think) to their very existence.
Now what I won't do right now is quote a bunch of scripture. There will be scripture references at the end of this; but right now, I want to focus on people and what they are like.
Aspie's in particular have (I think) a lot of difficulty being told what to think or why they should think that way. Neuro typicals have this problem too particularly when it comes to spiritual things... But not to the same extent that Aspie's do. So...tangibly speaking... How can we understand who God is? Many people, whether Aspie or nuero typical will say that they do not understand the Bible. Well, I don't know about you, but I don't understand road maps myself. I see the words and the lines and the directions, but still am not sure where they lead to. Even when I know the destination, I still have no idea how to get from point A to point B. But, with practice, I can read them better. Even so, because I don't drive, I still need to trust someone else who REALLY knows how to read that map to get me where I need to go. But in the end, it's always reassuring that someone who cares about me is willing to "drive" me there, safely, and get me home.
The Bible is like a detailed road map. It's much more than that, but practically speaking, it's a road map. This "map" show's us both where we've been and where we're going (in life). And God is driving the car. To put it a different way, God is "walking" with us through our "journey" and he is the guide... He is the leader, with the "map" directing us each day through life. A lot of us don't understand this "map.". That's okay. A lot of us don't understand road maps either, which is why we need a "driver" or a "guide." (God). Think of it as taking a taxi through a strange city. You have to tell the driver where you wanna go, and then trust that he will get us there.
God, want's to teach us how to read and understand his "map". But, he will only do this if we (as individuals) ask him to show us how to read it. When we tell God that we want him to teach us to read his map... You probably have heard of "asking Jesus into your heart"? You say to God that you want Him to show you how to read his map. Now, I realize that this example isn't a perfect one, and ask you to bear with me because none of them will be. But the cool thing is, that none of us are perfect anyway... And neither am I. So there's some constancy for you! :)
Now, logically speaking, can we "change" a road map? Sure, we can... But we'd never reach our destination. Logically speaking, the directions on the map must stay the way they are for us to get where we need to go. This is the way the "map" of the Bible works too. The "directions" don't change and neither does the (final) destination.
So, you could say, this is the purpose for the Bible. It tells us where to go and helps to know our "driver" through life. To me, this adds up to a lot of security for me! I've got a "guide" and a "road map" to get me through. Cool! Life is hard enough, I could use the reassurance (personally) :). So, how do we get know our "guide"? It's actually very simple. We read and follow the directions.
Now, isn't it annoying when our parents ever asked us to do something and the only reason we got is; "Because I said so."? Didn't you hate that? Now, be honest... How many times did you find out that your parents were right... Even though at the time, we hated (at least some of) the instructions? God is the same way. Nobody likes all of his instructions, but just like our parent's instructions needed to be followed... God's do as well. Sometimes we wanted our parents instructions to change, but they wouldn't because if our parents took their job seriously, then they were consistent with us, right? (They didn't back down). God is the same way. My point is that this is why the Bible does not change. This is why God (himself) does not change. He's the same yesterday, today and always will be. What does this mean for us? How about security, consistency? Those are nice, stable, safe things right? It would seem to me that the Aspie mind in particular can truly benefit from the comfort this can bring. This can allow our minds to relax a bit and know that God has our back's (literally). Which brings me to my next point...
Perfection. How is it that God is perfect?
I don't know. If you don't know either, guess what? You're in very good company! No one knows. Why is this good? Congratulations my Aspie friend... You are just like everybody else!! In not knowing how God is perfect, you now have common ground with everybody on the planet! (See, and you thought you were so topsy-turvy) :). Now, I won't tell you that you have to trust... You don't. That's up to you. Now, if you don't trust him, there is an end result... It's called consequences. My mother taught me a lot about them as a kid growing up. But don't worry... This just the law of cause & effect, that's all. There are "results" to each choice we make, yes? :). Insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results (or so I have read). With our road map the Bible, we can predict, with 100% accuracy the consequences involving eternal things; because the map tells us what they are. Stability.
Now, here's the one that people tend to hate the most. It is a scary place, but take heart... None of us actually HAVE to go there!! :)
Hell. Yes, there is a destination called Hell, and our road map, the Bible tells us how to avoid getting stuck there. Our "map" also states that if we do get stuck there... There's no way to get out.
For practical purposes, Hell is the space God created for those who can't come into God's space because they do not agree with his terms. Don't you hate when you have a plan and you want to carry it out your own way, and someone insists that you do things their way instead, and they don't think about how bothered you are?? God's the same way. He has his own way of thinking, and it's narrow. He has his own plan and knows exactly how he wants it carried out. His interest, is seeing who agrees with him & who doesn't. Our road map, the Bible, says that if you agree with God's way of thinking, you are allowed into his space. (Heaven). If you don't agree with him, there is a separate space you'll need to be in. (Hell). Because these are eternal matters being talked about.... Both of these destinations are forever. One is Paradise, and the other is, well... Hell. It's God's order, it's the way he thinks. But he doesn't really want any of us to get stuck there. :)
How it works: Our "map" says that if we have not accepted Jesus into our heart then we basically have not agreed to his terms. For more on what this means,
Okay... The Trinity. Don't worry...this won't be nearly as complicated as you think. :)
What is it? God the Father...God the Son...God the Holy Spirit.
Why are there three? Because we need three. ("We" being the human race).
Why do we need three? Because God the Father is perfect, and we are not, and only if God is in 3 forms is He COMPLETE.
God the Father: sinless perfection. We can rest in the fact that God can handle everything because he IS perfect. Can we relate to that? I know I sure can't!
(Keep reading...
God the son (Jesus). How do we know, Jesus was God? Because our "map" let's us get know our "guide"... Remember?
How do we know we can trust the One who made the map?
He's perfect, so he can't make any errors...otherwise the order of perfection wouldn't be perfect. WE as people are not perfect... And... That brings me to my next point.
Jesus. Why was he human? Because we are all human and God could not "relate" to us as human beings if he had not walked the earth as a human himself.
Why is Jesus no longer with us? Because he died, just like all of us will someday.
People are born, they live their life for a number of years, and they die, right?
Same thing with Jesus. Jesus (when he walked this earth) was God, living a life like we do...
So that he could empathize with us as human beings.
My dear Aspie friend...Jesus was and is the ultimate example of EMPATHY :). He empathized with us, because he was human, and he left his BOOK here with us so that we can read about him and learn how to have empathy... Both for him and for each other. But there is something else he left with us as well; which brings me to my next point...
The Holy Spirit. Why do we need the Holy Spirit?
Because Jesus died, and is no longer with us (physically).
But God promised that he would never leave us nor forsake us. The Holy Spirit fulfill's that promise.
The Holy Spirit is the "Comforter" God left with us when Jesus died. The Holy spirit is the "light" that comes inside our hearts when we "ask Jesus into our heart". You've probably heard that expression before. Maybe, you've been confused by it... Or thought that it was nonsense, or not possible.
Remember you are free to believe whatever you like; I'm merely trying to simplify what can be a very complex subject. The Holy Spirit can be particularly challenging to the Aspie mind because he's invisible. He's like feelings... He's invisible. But on a practical level, you know that your thoughts exist, right? You know that your own feelings exist, right? Now, actually, this is very easy. To be literal about it, no one can literally step inside someone's heart, right? This is what Niccodemus asked Jesus about... Being born (again).
How can we be born again? We can't (not literally). So, the only way Jesus can be known by us now, is through his spirit.
When we are "born again," that refers to the process of Jesus "renewing" our heart's, (when and if we request it).
Okay, stop.
Take a breath for a moment, or even come back to this page tomorrow. :)
Actually, here come's the best part... But to the Aspie mind, this can be a bit uncomfortable...
There is no way that anyone can "behave" their way to Heaven.
None of us can memorize enough, be good enough, join enough churches, do enough charity work, follow enough rules, or develop enough methods memorizing verses of scripture in order to earn entrance into Heaven.
God knows that no person is perfect, but because He is perfect, he could not "empathize" if you will, with any imperfection. He has a one track mind, you could say. It's not cruelty... It's simply who God is. It's how he thinks. Being perfect... He can only think perfectly because that's the way He is.
(Do you see where I'm going with this? :)
Here's the thing... His perfection would not allow any relationship with us.
Why? Because of sin.
And here, we come to the story of Creation and Adam and Eve.
Still with me?
Substitution: God's perfection couldn't handle our imperfection... But, he's God... He can do what he wants, so he made a way to bridge th gap between us. We're human (duh) :) and God is "super" human, so.. Someone had t o be both :) The reason that Jesus rose from the dead (and we don't) is simply because he was still God (superhuman). :)
In Jesus, the the divine & human elements came together.
But let's get back to the beginning...
Now, many people do not believe the Creation story was literal. They say it was an allegory, or that it's only figurative. I'm not sure what you're view of this story is... But consider this question:
Why did God have to create a man at all?
Why did he have to create a woman at all?
According to the Creation story, God's work was all completed, and it was good. God was satisfied and he rested at the end of it. All perfect order had been put into place. The only "experience" God hadn't had yet, was risking rejection because he desired someone to relate to!
I mean, to me the whole Creation Story mirror's the way the Autistic/AS mind works.
God the Father had created his own (little) world, and he sat back and enjoyed everything He'd made...rested when he wanted to. He was all by himself... Nobody there to disrupt his thought process or make him lose concentration on his beautiful work... But he was alone. He analyzed his work, and something was missing. What was it?
Relationships. Empathy. Compassion for others. Understanding.
So, for starter's, he created a man, who experienced THE SAME sense of desire that God had. Adam got the job of seeing that all the creatures he named had mates... But that made him wonder where his companion was...
This "creation" is a mirror of what God himself felt.
"Who will love me? Who will relate to me?". (After I've done everything myself?)
So, Adam and Eve (his companion) were created in God's image and for his...pleasure, rather than the logical completion purpose.
So, the couple shared in his perfect world (3 people) just like the Trinity.
Order.
But, could the couple truly know what empathy was, or gratitude was, or thankfulness was...or security, or relief?
Well, they did not know what loneliness was, or isolation, or anxiety, or the pain of being different.
There was nothing different than the one (Auto) God's perfection. This was the condition he was in. His "one" track, (in his case), perfect, mind could allow no other results
Sounds wonderful, would you agree? (I mean, for there to be no pain or anything).
Except for one thing...
What does all the perfection in the world mean, if nobody can receive it, or be aware that it's given?
What should be done?
God could not veer away from his "perfection"... That's the way he is. But with only a one track way of functioning (perfection in everything)as a matter of order, how could "we" really "relate" to him or "know" how deep his desire to love us is?
The only way we could see the "light" is to know the darkness of consequence that comes from making choices.
Now, my point is this: God had to veer away from his one track standard of perfection, or his way of thinking, and take the risk that we would reject him (and face the consequences) In order that we would know how much he loves us. When you think about it, this is the risk that an autistic/AS person must take everyday...
Can we leave our comfort zone and what we're familiar with in order to do what does not come naturally (because our way of thinking just does not go that way?). Can we allow someone else into our own narrow ways of doing things and relate to them and enjoy them? Can we risk them walking away from us?
Absolutely!!
Now of course, we're not perfect...I only use God's perfection as the ultimate example of the way an autistic mind can work. It's an analogy. (Be careful with it, because I'm not trying to say that those who are Autistic are perfect :) Of course it would be much less complicated and a lot more comfortable if we could build our own little world around us, and stay there, and have no interruptions... But who really wants that? Not even God himself wanted that :). He invited Adam and Eve to make a choice, he used Jesus as the atonement for the "imperfection," and now, we are all invited to come into God's world and get to know him. But we must do it on his terms. Now, be honest, isn't it easier for you to let someone into your world when they will do it on your terms? God is the same way.
His terms are these: Just Ask.
That's all he wants. No method, no ladder to climb, no rigid rules. Just ask.
Especially for the AS or Autistic mind, this can be difficult because it's so easy (LOL) :). We analyze and research and poke and prod... We naturally think there has to be more to it than that. There really isn't. Jesus bridged the gap between our "stain" (sin) on God's, well... Autistic thinking! :) LOL!
Now, the idea of God is also difficult to grasp because we must use our imagination so much. God's road map, the Bible, is filled with stories about who he is, but we must use our imagination when we read them. To many with AS or Autism, this is simply not practical, or comfortable. But, love goes beyond reason...
I think imagination does too! Besides, for many Aspies, imagination can take very active role in the world that they feel safe in. The scripture says that when a person accepts Jesus into their heart, he then reveals to them what his word is saying. So, if you've never experienced being saved, and you read the Bible, and think that you can't understand it... You are right. His road map, the Bible says that the Holy Spirit must reveal to us what his word says... Sort of like a divine "interpreter" if you like.
(See scripture references below).
So, my friend, if you are having trouble identifying with what you can't actually see, don't worry... At times, everyone does. Based on my own experience, I know that he guided me to himself. I may not have been aware of it at the time, but in due time, God gently revealed that to me. He will never force his way in on anyone. He wants to be wanted by each of us....and he desires for all of us to have our own personal relationship with Him. In my opinion, he is the very best one on one counselor there is! He is the friend who sticks closer then a brother, and he will never leave you!
If your desire is to know Him personally, ask Him to come into your heart and show you who he is....
Go to a quiet place and close your door, and say something like this:
Lord Jesus, I agree with you that I have sinned; that I fall short of your perfection.
I ask you to come into my heart now, and show me who you are and save me from the sin that has separated us.
I acknowledge that I need you to take control of my life.
I cannot do this on my own.
Thank you for accepting me through the death of your son Jesus!
Amen!
My friend, it is an incredible, wonderful journey!
Best Wishes and God Bless You!!
Tina
Scriptures:
God will never leave you. Deuteronomy 31:6
Jesus is God in the flesh. 1st. Timothy 3:16
Belief in God (Salvation) John 3:16
God knows what he plans for us. Jeremiah 29:11
The Creation Story (creation of man & woman & the Fall (of man).
Genesis chapter 2 and 3
God knows us intimately. Psalm 139:1-18 and verses 23-24.
Be courageous. Joshua 1:9
God's perfection: Psalm 18:30
The Trinity:
(These verses refer to different parts of the Trinity).
Philippians 2:5-8
John 10:30
Hebrews 1:8
Isaiah 9:6
Isaiah 45:5
1st Corinthians 3:16
Hell. 2nd Samuel 22:5-6 2nd Peter 2:4.
Knowing God. Romans 12:2. 1st John 4:6-7
God reveals his word to you. 1st Corinthians 2:10
For those who love God. Romans 8:28. (All of chapter 8 is also excellent!)
Growing up in God's love. 1st Corinthians 13
God gives us wisdom: James 1:5
In honesty, this did not surprise me but it did make me sad. The reason I was sad about this is because I always become a bit down hearted when I know that anyone does not experience the wonderful privilege of knowing the Lord as their savior. This is because, in my view... There is nothing like this freedom. I came to know the Lord as my personal savior at age 15. I can say with total certainty, that it was (and is) the best decision I've ever made. Now, as has been stated in this blog many times, I've not officially been diagnosed with AS or Autism. I have a strong suspicion that I have it, and so I've been researching it like crazy, which is what led to writing this blog.
The following are my own personal experiences and opinions based on knowing God as. I understand him.
I know, for me personally, I tend to be very cynical and suspicious... Distrusting of people's motives. My cynicism often will "choke" my willingness to be open minded about things. I tend to analyze things to death, which can often be to my detriment because it is difficult for me to be secure with what I cannot see. Even if I BELIEVE in something I do not see, it's very challenging to be secure in what is not seen because I can't control those things. It seems to me that more than anything, Aspie's want control, and predictability. They (we) want things we can "predict". Even when we can't see something (the wind, for example), we can predict that it will be there and take some measures to control how we are affected by it.
The idea of God can be unnerving for several reasons. We cannot see him, or feel him, or hear his voice audibly. What does he look like anyway? Is he tall, short, fat, thin? What color is his skin, hair, eyes? He's perfect (so you've probably been told). Well gee, we're not, are we? This opens up a whole different line of questioning... If he exists and he's perfect, why do so many imperfect things happen? Why do people call this loving? Why does the Bible call this loving? Well, as you can tell, we could be here all day just with questions, couldn't we?
But, I believe that the hardest thing for most of us to swallow about God, and the reason many people don't believe in him, is because of the fact that he wants us to allow him to take control of our lives. On a practical level, I think this seems rather rude and conceited to many of us. Here, if he DOES exist, we aren't even allowed to see his face, but he requires of us that we give everything over to him? He allows all these painful things in our lives, but the Bible says he's good and perfect? And maybe the hardest thing... Hell. What is Hell? Does it even exist? If God is so good, why do people go there? What about sin? Why must we be accepting that our "sin" is so unacceptable to a God who claims that he loves us?
This is a lot of questions and a lot of ideas. Just talking about God can make an Aspie want to escape and say why bother?. I mean, this topic can make an Aspie feel as though their head will explode! God is not an easy thing for neuro typicals to discuss...never mind all the pointless arguments for things! But, to the Aspie way of thinking, with seeing everything through the "lens" of themselves, torrents of emotion that can take over completely, an insatiable need for verbal explanations and tangible, physical proof, the idea of an unseen. All powerful, all knowing entity that requires control of our lives can be an insult (I think) to their very existence.
Now what I won't do right now is quote a bunch of scripture. There will be scripture references at the end of this; but right now, I want to focus on people and what they are like.
Aspie's in particular have (I think) a lot of difficulty being told what to think or why they should think that way. Neuro typicals have this problem too particularly when it comes to spiritual things... But not to the same extent that Aspie's do. So...tangibly speaking... How can we understand who God is? Many people, whether Aspie or nuero typical will say that they do not understand the Bible. Well, I don't know about you, but I don't understand road maps myself. I see the words and the lines and the directions, but still am not sure where they lead to. Even when I know the destination, I still have no idea how to get from point A to point B. But, with practice, I can read them better. Even so, because I don't drive, I still need to trust someone else who REALLY knows how to read that map to get me where I need to go. But in the end, it's always reassuring that someone who cares about me is willing to "drive" me there, safely, and get me home.
The Bible is like a detailed road map. It's much more than that, but practically speaking, it's a road map. This "map" show's us both where we've been and where we're going (in life). And God is driving the car. To put it a different way, God is "walking" with us through our "journey" and he is the guide... He is the leader, with the "map" directing us each day through life. A lot of us don't understand this "map.". That's okay. A lot of us don't understand road maps either, which is why we need a "driver" or a "guide." (God). Think of it as taking a taxi through a strange city. You have to tell the driver where you wanna go, and then trust that he will get us there.
God, want's to teach us how to read and understand his "map". But, he will only do this if we (as individuals) ask him to show us how to read it. When we tell God that we want him to teach us to read his map... You probably have heard of "asking Jesus into your heart"? You say to God that you want Him to show you how to read his map. Now, I realize that this example isn't a perfect one, and ask you to bear with me because none of them will be. But the cool thing is, that none of us are perfect anyway... And neither am I. So there's some constancy for you! :)
Now, logically speaking, can we "change" a road map? Sure, we can... But we'd never reach our destination. Logically speaking, the directions on the map must stay the way they are for us to get where we need to go. This is the way the "map" of the Bible works too. The "directions" don't change and neither does the (final) destination.
So, you could say, this is the purpose for the Bible. It tells us where to go and helps to know our "driver" through life. To me, this adds up to a lot of security for me! I've got a "guide" and a "road map" to get me through. Cool! Life is hard enough, I could use the reassurance (personally) :). So, how do we get know our "guide"? It's actually very simple. We read and follow the directions.
Now, isn't it annoying when our parents ever asked us to do something and the only reason we got is; "Because I said so."? Didn't you hate that? Now, be honest... How many times did you find out that your parents were right... Even though at the time, we hated (at least some of) the instructions? God is the same way. Nobody likes all of his instructions, but just like our parent's instructions needed to be followed... God's do as well. Sometimes we wanted our parents instructions to change, but they wouldn't because if our parents took their job seriously, then they were consistent with us, right? (They didn't back down). God is the same way. My point is that this is why the Bible does not change. This is why God (himself) does not change. He's the same yesterday, today and always will be. What does this mean for us? How about security, consistency? Those are nice, stable, safe things right? It would seem to me that the Aspie mind in particular can truly benefit from the comfort this can bring. This can allow our minds to relax a bit and know that God has our back's (literally). Which brings me to my next point...
Perfection. How is it that God is perfect?
I don't know. If you don't know either, guess what? You're in very good company! No one knows. Why is this good? Congratulations my Aspie friend... You are just like everybody else!! In not knowing how God is perfect, you now have common ground with everybody on the planet! (See, and you thought you were so topsy-turvy) :). Now, I won't tell you that you have to trust... You don't. That's up to you. Now, if you don't trust him, there is an end result... It's called consequences. My mother taught me a lot about them as a kid growing up. But don't worry... This just the law of cause & effect, that's all. There are "results" to each choice we make, yes? :). Insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results (or so I have read). With our road map the Bible, we can predict, with 100% accuracy the consequences involving eternal things; because the map tells us what they are. Stability.
Now, here's the one that people tend to hate the most. It is a scary place, but take heart... None of us actually HAVE to go there!! :)
Hell. Yes, there is a destination called Hell, and our road map, the Bible tells us how to avoid getting stuck there. Our "map" also states that if we do get stuck there... There's no way to get out.
For practical purposes, Hell is the space God created for those who can't come into God's space because they do not agree with his terms. Don't you hate when you have a plan and you want to carry it out your own way, and someone insists that you do things their way instead, and they don't think about how bothered you are?? God's the same way. He has his own way of thinking, and it's narrow. He has his own plan and knows exactly how he wants it carried out. His interest, is seeing who agrees with him & who doesn't. Our road map, the Bible, says that if you agree with God's way of thinking, you are allowed into his space. (Heaven). If you don't agree with him, there is a separate space you'll need to be in. (Hell). Because these are eternal matters being talked about.... Both of these destinations are forever. One is Paradise, and the other is, well... Hell. It's God's order, it's the way he thinks. But he doesn't really want any of us to get stuck there. :)
How it works: Our "map" says that if we have not accepted Jesus into our heart then we basically have not agreed to his terms. For more on what this means,
Okay... The Trinity. Don't worry...this won't be nearly as complicated as you think. :)
What is it? God the Father...God the Son...God the Holy Spirit.
Why are there three? Because we need three. ("We" being the human race).
Why do we need three? Because God the Father is perfect, and we are not, and only if God is in 3 forms is He COMPLETE.
God the Father: sinless perfection. We can rest in the fact that God can handle everything because he IS perfect. Can we relate to that? I know I sure can't!
(Keep reading...
God the son (Jesus). How do we know, Jesus was God? Because our "map" let's us get know our "guide"... Remember?
How do we know we can trust the One who made the map?
He's perfect, so he can't make any errors...otherwise the order of perfection wouldn't be perfect. WE as people are not perfect... And... That brings me to my next point.
Jesus. Why was he human? Because we are all human and God could not "relate" to us as human beings if he had not walked the earth as a human himself.
Why is Jesus no longer with us? Because he died, just like all of us will someday.
People are born, they live their life for a number of years, and they die, right?
Same thing with Jesus. Jesus (when he walked this earth) was God, living a life like we do...
So that he could empathize with us as human beings.
My dear Aspie friend...Jesus was and is the ultimate example of EMPATHY :). He empathized with us, because he was human, and he left his BOOK here with us so that we can read about him and learn how to have empathy... Both for him and for each other. But there is something else he left with us as well; which brings me to my next point...
The Holy Spirit. Why do we need the Holy Spirit?
Because Jesus died, and is no longer with us (physically).
But God promised that he would never leave us nor forsake us. The Holy Spirit fulfill's that promise.
The Holy Spirit is the "Comforter" God left with us when Jesus died. The Holy spirit is the "light" that comes inside our hearts when we "ask Jesus into our heart". You've probably heard that expression before. Maybe, you've been confused by it... Or thought that it was nonsense, or not possible.
Remember you are free to believe whatever you like; I'm merely trying to simplify what can be a very complex subject. The Holy Spirit can be particularly challenging to the Aspie mind because he's invisible. He's like feelings... He's invisible. But on a practical level, you know that your thoughts exist, right? You know that your own feelings exist, right? Now, actually, this is very easy. To be literal about it, no one can literally step inside someone's heart, right? This is what Niccodemus asked Jesus about... Being born (again).
How can we be born again? We can't (not literally). So, the only way Jesus can be known by us now, is through his spirit.
When we are "born again," that refers to the process of Jesus "renewing" our heart's, (when and if we request it).
Okay, stop.
Take a breath for a moment, or even come back to this page tomorrow. :)
Actually, here come's the best part... But to the Aspie mind, this can be a bit uncomfortable...
There is no way that anyone can "behave" their way to Heaven.
None of us can memorize enough, be good enough, join enough churches, do enough charity work, follow enough rules, or develop enough methods memorizing verses of scripture in order to earn entrance into Heaven.
God knows that no person is perfect, but because He is perfect, he could not "empathize" if you will, with any imperfection. He has a one track mind, you could say. It's not cruelty... It's simply who God is. It's how he thinks. Being perfect... He can only think perfectly because that's the way He is.
(Do you see where I'm going with this? :)
Here's the thing... His perfection would not allow any relationship with us.
Why? Because of sin.
And here, we come to the story of Creation and Adam and Eve.
Still with me?
Substitution: God's perfection couldn't handle our imperfection... But, he's God... He can do what he wants, so he made a way to bridge th gap between us. We're human (duh) :) and God is "super" human, so.. Someone had t o be both :) The reason that Jesus rose from the dead (and we don't) is simply because he was still God (superhuman). :)
In Jesus, the the divine & human elements came together.
But let's get back to the beginning...
Now, many people do not believe the Creation story was literal. They say it was an allegory, or that it's only figurative. I'm not sure what you're view of this story is... But consider this question:
Why did God have to create a man at all?
Why did he have to create a woman at all?
According to the Creation story, God's work was all completed, and it was good. God was satisfied and he rested at the end of it. All perfect order had been put into place. The only "experience" God hadn't had yet, was risking rejection because he desired someone to relate to!
I mean, to me the whole Creation Story mirror's the way the Autistic/AS mind works.
God the Father had created his own (little) world, and he sat back and enjoyed everything He'd made...rested when he wanted to. He was all by himself... Nobody there to disrupt his thought process or make him lose concentration on his beautiful work... But he was alone. He analyzed his work, and something was missing. What was it?
Relationships. Empathy. Compassion for others. Understanding.
So, for starter's, he created a man, who experienced THE SAME sense of desire that God had. Adam got the job of seeing that all the creatures he named had mates... But that made him wonder where his companion was...
This "creation" is a mirror of what God himself felt.
"Who will love me? Who will relate to me?". (After I've done everything myself?)
So, Adam and Eve (his companion) were created in God's image and for his...pleasure, rather than the logical completion purpose.
So, the couple shared in his perfect world (3 people) just like the Trinity.
Order.
But, could the couple truly know what empathy was, or gratitude was, or thankfulness was...or security, or relief?
Well, they did not know what loneliness was, or isolation, or anxiety, or the pain of being different.
There was nothing different than the one (Auto) God's perfection. This was the condition he was in. His "one" track, (in his case), perfect, mind could allow no other results
Sounds wonderful, would you agree? (I mean, for there to be no pain or anything).
Except for one thing...
What does all the perfection in the world mean, if nobody can receive it, or be aware that it's given?
What should be done?
God could not veer away from his "perfection"... That's the way he is. But with only a one track way of functioning (perfection in everything)as a matter of order, how could "we" really "relate" to him or "know" how deep his desire to love us is?
The only way we could see the "light" is to know the darkness of consequence that comes from making choices.
Now, my point is this: God had to veer away from his one track standard of perfection, or his way of thinking, and take the risk that we would reject him (and face the consequences) In order that we would know how much he loves us. When you think about it, this is the risk that an autistic/AS person must take everyday...
Can we leave our comfort zone and what we're familiar with in order to do what does not come naturally (because our way of thinking just does not go that way?). Can we allow someone else into our own narrow ways of doing things and relate to them and enjoy them? Can we risk them walking away from us?
Absolutely!!
Now of course, we're not perfect...I only use God's perfection as the ultimate example of the way an autistic mind can work. It's an analogy. (Be careful with it, because I'm not trying to say that those who are Autistic are perfect :) Of course it would be much less complicated and a lot more comfortable if we could build our own little world around us, and stay there, and have no interruptions... But who really wants that? Not even God himself wanted that :). He invited Adam and Eve to make a choice, he used Jesus as the atonement for the "imperfection," and now, we are all invited to come into God's world and get to know him. But we must do it on his terms. Now, be honest, isn't it easier for you to let someone into your world when they will do it on your terms? God is the same way.
His terms are these: Just Ask.
That's all he wants. No method, no ladder to climb, no rigid rules. Just ask.
Especially for the AS or Autistic mind, this can be difficult because it's so easy (LOL) :). We analyze and research and poke and prod... We naturally think there has to be more to it than that. There really isn't. Jesus bridged the gap between our "stain" (sin) on God's, well... Autistic thinking! :) LOL!
Now, the idea of God is also difficult to grasp because we must use our imagination so much. God's road map, the Bible, is filled with stories about who he is, but we must use our imagination when we read them. To many with AS or Autism, this is simply not practical, or comfortable. But, love goes beyond reason...
I think imagination does too! Besides, for many Aspies, imagination can take very active role in the world that they feel safe in. The scripture says that when a person accepts Jesus into their heart, he then reveals to them what his word is saying. So, if you've never experienced being saved, and you read the Bible, and think that you can't understand it... You are right. His road map, the Bible says that the Holy Spirit must reveal to us what his word says... Sort of like a divine "interpreter" if you like.
(See scripture references below).
So, my friend, if you are having trouble identifying with what you can't actually see, don't worry... At times, everyone does. Based on my own experience, I know that he guided me to himself. I may not have been aware of it at the time, but in due time, God gently revealed that to me. He will never force his way in on anyone. He wants to be wanted by each of us....and he desires for all of us to have our own personal relationship with Him. In my opinion, he is the very best one on one counselor there is! He is the friend who sticks closer then a brother, and he will never leave you!
If your desire is to know Him personally, ask Him to come into your heart and show you who he is....
Go to a quiet place and close your door, and say something like this:
Lord Jesus, I agree with you that I have sinned; that I fall short of your perfection.
I ask you to come into my heart now, and show me who you are and save me from the sin that has separated us.
I acknowledge that I need you to take control of my life.
I cannot do this on my own.
Thank you for accepting me through the death of your son Jesus!
Amen!
My friend, it is an incredible, wonderful journey!
Best Wishes and God Bless You!!
Tina
Scriptures:
God will never leave you. Deuteronomy 31:6
Jesus is God in the flesh. 1st. Timothy 3:16
Belief in God (Salvation) John 3:16
God knows what he plans for us. Jeremiah 29:11
The Creation Story (creation of man & woman & the Fall (of man).
Genesis chapter 2 and 3
God knows us intimately. Psalm 139:1-18 and verses 23-24.
Be courageous. Joshua 1:9
God's perfection: Psalm 18:30
The Trinity:
(These verses refer to different parts of the Trinity).
Philippians 2:5-8
John 10:30
Hebrews 1:8
Isaiah 9:6
Isaiah 45:5
1st Corinthians 3:16
Hell. 2nd Samuel 22:5-6 2nd Peter 2:4.
Knowing God. Romans 12:2. 1st John 4:6-7
God reveals his word to you. 1st Corinthians 2:10
For those who love God. Romans 8:28. (All of chapter 8 is also excellent!)
Growing up in God's love. 1st Corinthians 13
God gives us wisdom: James 1:5
Thursday, September 13, 2012
The Catch 22
Okay, first off, everybody knows now that I want to be tested for aS/Autism, because I don't have a diagnosis. What I have right now is a strong suspicion that I could have AS and simply was never diagnosed.
Okay, so...I want to talk about dating, or not dating as the case may be, and my desire for a relationship, as well as my lack of one, and how that has affected me. The loneliness, and just the general feeling of seeming to be a square peg in a world of round holes.
I was watching a You Tube video & this couple (one or both of them had AS) was talking about "Talking" to people & getting to know them and enjoying others. Cool! Wonderful ideas. I remember when Christian author Josuah Harris wore his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye.". I remember being so relieved because...I didn't date. I'd tried it. A date was a real rarity for me... But somehow the whole idea of it just seemed uncomfortable. I mea, what if the guy turned out to not have the best intentions for me? What if something happened to me, and nobody ever knew about it? What if he wanted to sleep with me? This is off limits for me, but could I convince HIM of that?
Now, I say all that to say this: I love the idea of talking and getting to know people and letting them talk about themselves. Aspie's in particular can have so much apprehension about "small talk.". I think this is because (we) (I can't resist, I'll go ahead and include myself) consider it trivial & even unnecessary. We have these deep ideas about passionate subjects that we want to discuss, that (in our minds) get down into the roots of who we really are. I for one, will "put up" with the small talk because, because I know that it will lead to the deep things I want to get to. That's no rudeness (at least, I don't intend it to be.). It's just the way my mind sees things. So, my deepest wish is to get out there and meet as many people as I can, which I feel I have done. But there's always been a deep longing in me to know that one man... The one that U'm supposed to marry. This... Has not happened yet.
I can't help myself, I've always looked for him. Always wondered where he is. Always tried to spot his face in whatever group of people I might be with. Always wanted to know my husband's identity... And even tried to "bring it on," as it were. It became, you could say...my obsession... And I kicked myself for it everyday. I'd go through terrible guilt because... Love always comes when you least expect it, right? This was (and has been) a concept that gave me so much trouble because I literally never knew how to wrap my mind around it. How do you STOP thinking about something you want so badly? How do you NOT expect such a blessing...especially when you've dreamt about it since you were about eight years old?
Okay, now, this is probably going to worry some people, but here goes... I've always felt the need to have some sort of "perceived" protective "cover" over me that in many ways protects me and helps me through my real life. I will find something to "grab onto" in my mind that makes the real world easier to walk through. For me, this has always been the dream of meeting my husband someday. That dream has been like this sort of anchor that I have "leaned" on in my life to make the uncertainty more bearable. It's been sort of like a "coat" I put on when the storm of life would get too wild. This way...somehow, I could "see" in my mind's eye that whatever current pain or stress I was going through was all leading somewhere. This is just the way my mind works.
But there's always been a catch 22 in my life. Now, understand that I mean no disrespect here...only honesty. I would go to church, and feel guilty because with this dream of mine, I would think that I was somehow unable to trust God or believe that he would bring these things about in my life. I would try to tell people close to me that I could not stop "looking" for him... That I wanted to meet this guy so badly... And they would become worried for me. They would think that my mind was in the wrong place and they would then need to "correct" me. Sometimes loneliness still does get pretty intense. Anyway, I've always had friend's and a social life and some other outlets to take my mind off the intensity. But here's the problem... Those things never really worked. I think I should say that again, because that's a reality that I've been "stuffing" for a long time. Those things never really worked.
Don't misunderstand me. We need friend's. We need people in our lives. We need activities to keep us busy...absolutely. All I'm saying is, underneath all of this, I had this wonderful dream...yet unfulfilled. The ability to dream it, kept me facing the day. The fact I was not sociable like other people scared me to death. How would I ever meet him?? Now, God can work anything out he wants...but as the wait for this dream to be fulfilled became longer and longer...I truly did begin to freak out: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? Sometimes this storm still rages and rages inside. I've given up going to people and trying to talk to them about how intense it is beCause I usually feel worse than when I started. People with the best iterations would tell me that I needed to give that over to God. I will respond to that by giving you a quote:
"Every night I'd cut out my heart...but in the morning it was full again."
This is from "The English Patient.". It's how the Count describes trying to forget about Katherine Clifton. To me, God can have an issue of mine in his hands, but it still follows me around like my shadow. Why? Because I simply can't stop thinking about it. I'm sure every Christian goes through this...but I'm finding thar if one has a tendency to "obsess" over things, it can particularly difficult to really KNOW that you've really given it over to him. So, I would need to talk about these things, and then feel patronized because I was supposed to be "giving that over to God so he could take care of it.". I would feel guilty for wanting a husband so bad, because it was like I was saying I didn't want God or something. This was never my intention. I then had this battle going on inside, because the "coat" I would wear to try and shelter myself from the storms of life, now needed to come off, if you know what I mean. I could not let it go...I just couldn't. No, I'm not saying that a husband will make my life perfect. I'm not saying he would solve all my problems... He wouldn't. But the thought that with every step I took I was getting closer to him.... This made me more excited than I could say. This made (and still makes) my life fun and romantic. It's awesome! I love it! But I don't really share how intensely I feel these things, because past experience has taught me that it makes people afraid that all my motives are in the wrong place.
I liken it to a child needing a Teddy bear. It helps them not be afraid in the dark. Doesn't make their life perfect and solve all their problems, just let's them snuggle to get through the night. As far as I know, husbands are good for that too, right? :). So, there's the intensity of a dream and the intensity of wanting it to come true and the intensity of the time it takes to get there. Any way you look at it... There's just a lot of intensity! Couple this with the fact that I don't drive, so physically, it's difficult to even make it to most of these social functions that help us to have a "life". Triple this, with the fact that there is anxiety involved. As I've gotten older I've been able to deal better with the anxiety and have moe optimism...but I still struggle with it at times. Quadruple this with the fact that's difficult for me to function in social situations anyway because I have to speak loudly and I have trouble knowing who to focus on. I have fun for awhile, but all my energy is drained out of me. Put all of this together, and you 'll see why I'm much better off snuggled on my couch with a great movie (my dream is to do this with my husband... See, there it is again!).
There's a final element to all this that has always confused me. If our friend's, or the people we "socialize" are supposed to be a support system for us...why do we have to be so guarded around them? I mean, when I talk, I like to get it all out there and just say what I feel... Which a lot of times is not a good thing because it can hurt someone. But that's exactly my point. Why do I want to go through the anxiety of wondering whether or not what I'm saying is okay? That wares me out... But apparently, this is why we're supposed to socialize... So we can.... Drive each other crazy? :). Like I said, I'd much rather just lie on my sofa and watch a movie. That way, things can get as intense as they need to, and I still have complete control... Because it's only a movie, yes? Perfect. But my desire to be with my husband keeps crowding my insides... And apparently, this is why I need to learn to do do all of the above things. Good grief! I told you it was a catch 22, :)
Okay, so...I want to talk about dating, or not dating as the case may be, and my desire for a relationship, as well as my lack of one, and how that has affected me. The loneliness, and just the general feeling of seeming to be a square peg in a world of round holes.
I was watching a You Tube video & this couple (one or both of them had AS) was talking about "Talking" to people & getting to know them and enjoying others. Cool! Wonderful ideas. I remember when Christian author Josuah Harris wore his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye.". I remember being so relieved because...I didn't date. I'd tried it. A date was a real rarity for me... But somehow the whole idea of it just seemed uncomfortable. I mea, what if the guy turned out to not have the best intentions for me? What if something happened to me, and nobody ever knew about it? What if he wanted to sleep with me? This is off limits for me, but could I convince HIM of that?
Now, I say all that to say this: I love the idea of talking and getting to know people and letting them talk about themselves. Aspie's in particular can have so much apprehension about "small talk.". I think this is because (we) (I can't resist, I'll go ahead and include myself) consider it trivial & even unnecessary. We have these deep ideas about passionate subjects that we want to discuss, that (in our minds) get down into the roots of who we really are. I for one, will "put up" with the small talk because, because I know that it will lead to the deep things I want to get to. That's no rudeness (at least, I don't intend it to be.). It's just the way my mind sees things. So, my deepest wish is to get out there and meet as many people as I can, which I feel I have done. But there's always been a deep longing in me to know that one man... The one that U'm supposed to marry. This... Has not happened yet.
I can't help myself, I've always looked for him. Always wondered where he is. Always tried to spot his face in whatever group of people I might be with. Always wanted to know my husband's identity... And even tried to "bring it on," as it were. It became, you could say...my obsession... And I kicked myself for it everyday. I'd go through terrible guilt because... Love always comes when you least expect it, right? This was (and has been) a concept that gave me so much trouble because I literally never knew how to wrap my mind around it. How do you STOP thinking about something you want so badly? How do you NOT expect such a blessing...especially when you've dreamt about it since you were about eight years old?
Okay, now, this is probably going to worry some people, but here goes... I've always felt the need to have some sort of "perceived" protective "cover" over me that in many ways protects me and helps me through my real life. I will find something to "grab onto" in my mind that makes the real world easier to walk through. For me, this has always been the dream of meeting my husband someday. That dream has been like this sort of anchor that I have "leaned" on in my life to make the uncertainty more bearable. It's been sort of like a "coat" I put on when the storm of life would get too wild. This way...somehow, I could "see" in my mind's eye that whatever current pain or stress I was going through was all leading somewhere. This is just the way my mind works.
But there's always been a catch 22 in my life. Now, understand that I mean no disrespect here...only honesty. I would go to church, and feel guilty because with this dream of mine, I would think that I was somehow unable to trust God or believe that he would bring these things about in my life. I would try to tell people close to me that I could not stop "looking" for him... That I wanted to meet this guy so badly... And they would become worried for me. They would think that my mind was in the wrong place and they would then need to "correct" me. Sometimes loneliness still does get pretty intense. Anyway, I've always had friend's and a social life and some other outlets to take my mind off the intensity. But here's the problem... Those things never really worked. I think I should say that again, because that's a reality that I've been "stuffing" for a long time. Those things never really worked.
Don't misunderstand me. We need friend's. We need people in our lives. We need activities to keep us busy...absolutely. All I'm saying is, underneath all of this, I had this wonderful dream...yet unfulfilled. The ability to dream it, kept me facing the day. The fact I was not sociable like other people scared me to death. How would I ever meet him?? Now, God can work anything out he wants...but as the wait for this dream to be fulfilled became longer and longer...I truly did begin to freak out: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? Sometimes this storm still rages and rages inside. I've given up going to people and trying to talk to them about how intense it is beCause I usually feel worse than when I started. People with the best iterations would tell me that I needed to give that over to God. I will respond to that by giving you a quote:
"Every night I'd cut out my heart...but in the morning it was full again."
This is from "The English Patient.". It's how the Count describes trying to forget about Katherine Clifton. To me, God can have an issue of mine in his hands, but it still follows me around like my shadow. Why? Because I simply can't stop thinking about it. I'm sure every Christian goes through this...but I'm finding thar if one has a tendency to "obsess" over things, it can particularly difficult to really KNOW that you've really given it over to him. So, I would need to talk about these things, and then feel patronized because I was supposed to be "giving that over to God so he could take care of it.". I would feel guilty for wanting a husband so bad, because it was like I was saying I didn't want God or something. This was never my intention. I then had this battle going on inside, because the "coat" I would wear to try and shelter myself from the storms of life, now needed to come off, if you know what I mean. I could not let it go...I just couldn't. No, I'm not saying that a husband will make my life perfect. I'm not saying he would solve all my problems... He wouldn't. But the thought that with every step I took I was getting closer to him.... This made me more excited than I could say. This made (and still makes) my life fun and romantic. It's awesome! I love it! But I don't really share how intensely I feel these things, because past experience has taught me that it makes people afraid that all my motives are in the wrong place.
I liken it to a child needing a Teddy bear. It helps them not be afraid in the dark. Doesn't make their life perfect and solve all their problems, just let's them snuggle to get through the night. As far as I know, husbands are good for that too, right? :). So, there's the intensity of a dream and the intensity of wanting it to come true and the intensity of the time it takes to get there. Any way you look at it... There's just a lot of intensity! Couple this with the fact that I don't drive, so physically, it's difficult to even make it to most of these social functions that help us to have a "life". Triple this, with the fact that there is anxiety involved. As I've gotten older I've been able to deal better with the anxiety and have moe optimism...but I still struggle with it at times. Quadruple this with the fact that's difficult for me to function in social situations anyway because I have to speak loudly and I have trouble knowing who to focus on. I have fun for awhile, but all my energy is drained out of me. Put all of this together, and you 'll see why I'm much better off snuggled on my couch with a great movie (my dream is to do this with my husband... See, there it is again!).
There's a final element to all this that has always confused me. If our friend's, or the people we "socialize" are supposed to be a support system for us...why do we have to be so guarded around them? I mean, when I talk, I like to get it all out there and just say what I feel... Which a lot of times is not a good thing because it can hurt someone. But that's exactly my point. Why do I want to go through the anxiety of wondering whether or not what I'm saying is okay? That wares me out... But apparently, this is why we're supposed to socialize... So we can.... Drive each other crazy? :). Like I said, I'd much rather just lie on my sofa and watch a movie. That way, things can get as intense as they need to, and I still have complete control... Because it's only a movie, yes? Perfect. But my desire to be with my husband keeps crowding my insides... And apparently, this is why I need to learn to do do all of the above things. Good grief! I told you it was a catch 22, :)
Monday, September 10, 2012
Obsessions
If all I do is get obsessed with things... How will I ever know who you are or that I love you? My life partner, my future love... Will I let you stick around for a time, because this is a fresh and new and wonderful taste... And for now, I can't get enough? But what happens? When the tide changes? When that shine starts to dull...and my trust begins to chip away like old paint?
Darling, it isn't you...I just don't know what I'll do, when the adrenaline begins to drain out.
This is terrible...I know. But that's my point. What will I do if I can only become obsessed?
Eventually, obsessions have to stop, don,t they? You see?
So, how would I know...how can I ever say?
My passion just explodes like a bottle rocket... And there we are... That's all I can talk about... But never forever.
Eventually (whether I like it or not) everything fizzles out. I must go on to something new and wait for the rush to come again.
It's not shallow...I'm afraid it's all I know.
I never want to give you up my dear"... NEVER.
Please know that whatever happens.
But if all I do is get obsessed with things, how will I know who you are... Or that I love you?
My life partner.
You are not an obsession that can be replaced with another.
How well I know this... But what can I do?
To keep that fire burning? To relax when it's out? To just know that it will be lit again in time? (Always with you).
I've always believed I was so loyal and true...sending up my dreams of loving one man through everything.
What if I'm more like Peter?
He was told he would deny, by the savior himself.
With all the passion in the world, he said "No, Lord, it's not true...."
But it was... And Jesus knew. Poor Peter! He wept bitterly...I would too!
So I'm scared now... Would I do it too (To the one I love the most)?
Even though a stronger heart said "No way"?
In light of what I know now, how can I say that would never happen?
I don't know!
You can't be an obsession that will change at some point... Ware out...get old?
No, it can't be true"
Darling, it isn't you...I just don't know what I'll do, when the adrenaline begins to drain out.
This is terrible...I know. But that's my point. What will I do if I can only become obsessed?
Eventually, obsessions have to stop, don,t they? You see?
So, how would I know...how can I ever say?
My passion just explodes like a bottle rocket... And there we are... That's all I can talk about... But never forever.
Eventually (whether I like it or not) everything fizzles out. I must go on to something new and wait for the rush to come again.
It's not shallow...I'm afraid it's all I know.
I never want to give you up my dear"... NEVER.
Please know that whatever happens.
But if all I do is get obsessed with things, how will I know who you are... Or that I love you?
My life partner.
You are not an obsession that can be replaced with another.
How well I know this... But what can I do?
To keep that fire burning? To relax when it's out? To just know that it will be lit again in time? (Always with you).
I've always believed I was so loyal and true...sending up my dreams of loving one man through everything.
What if I'm more like Peter?
He was told he would deny, by the savior himself.
With all the passion in the world, he said "No, Lord, it's not true...."
But it was... And Jesus knew. Poor Peter! He wept bitterly...I would too!
So I'm scared now... Would I do it too (To the one I love the most)?
Even though a stronger heart said "No way"?
In light of what I know now, how can I say that would never happen?
I don't know!
You can't be an obsession that will change at some point... Ware out...get old?
No, it can't be true"
Monday, September 3, 2012
Sparky
Clark Griswold always seemed to take planing to this cosmic level: a level that no one could reach... Not even him. This always leading to some horrible, overblown tantrums when someone tried to say that he might be overdoing it, or that the whole event has been ruined. So in "Christmas Vacation," Ellen has to say
"It's just that I know how you build things up in your mind Sparky... You set standards that no family event can ever live up to."
To which Clark sighs and says: "When have I ever done that?"
So Ellen must remind him: "... Parties, weddings, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations..."
Well, gotta love Clark for his undying optimism.
But what happens when Clark begins to unravel because his fantastic vision of what he wanted to happen just isn't reality. The insanity seems to leak out of his ears as he spouts off obscenities, and stomps off to try and resurrect. Whatever has fallen through the cracks. Poor guy! I read an article just today about a mother and her adult autistic son. Mom went and picked her son up from his house to spend the weekend at home. It was Superbowl weekend and her son was determined to go to a Superbowl party. But the only people they knew that might be having one were out of town that weekend, and might not be back on time. The 23 year old diligently called each of his friend's to see who might be celebrating... Only to find that most of them have moved away. But excitedly, mom took her son to buy a bag of chips and bake some cookies for a Superbowl party that wasn't even on. His mother did get ahold of their friend's that had gone out of town. They said he could come over to their place if they were back in time. So at three o clock Sunday afternoon, a very nervous mom drove her son, bag of chips and plate of cookies on his lap, to his friend's home. The whole time she prayed that they would be home... That they would invite him in... That they wouldn't mind having him, that they wouldn't be too exhausted. Matthew knew, without ever wavering that there would be a party this weekend! It was an adrenaline rush that had kept him going all weekend! What would the reaction be if there weren't one?
Wonderfully, mom's prayer's were answered. Their friend's had come home! A family member answered the door in her bathrobe, and said "Matt! I was hoping that was you!". Matt walks in the house with his plate of cookies and said that he would need a bowl for the chips. He also promptly said:
"Mom, you can go now.". (Hey, these were HIS friend's, ya know!)
Anyway, like Clark Griswold, Matt had a plan and he would not waiver from it. And guess what?... In the end, his wonderful idea came to be! (thanks to an optimistic, and discreet and patient mom who allowed her son to cling to his idea, even though she was truly afraid it would not work out. She was sorta like Ellen, following Clark through all his determined plans. :). I've seen my own mom handle countless things with me in this way too. But it occurs to me that for the parent of someone with AS or Autism, it can be quite a juggling act. At least, I would think so. Sometimes, even for adults with these conditions, there is simply no way to avoid a very strong emotional reaction to failed plans. Sometimes things just don't work out. But when the anticipation of success gives one something to look forward to... What happens when plans fall through? How difficult is it to be so dependent on the reassurance of others, but feel guilty because you don't want to NEED that anymore? So the parent in this sort of dynamic is caught between wanting to make "dreams" come true, but being fearful that this won't be the reality. At least, this is my guess. Goodness! :). But then there are those awesome times when somehow, everything comes together and it all works out...sometimes better tan expected! Yes!! Sweet victory!! :)
"It's just that I know how you build things up in your mind Sparky... You set standards that no family event can ever live up to."
To which Clark sighs and says: "When have I ever done that?"
So Ellen must remind him: "... Parties, weddings, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations..."
Well, gotta love Clark for his undying optimism.
But what happens when Clark begins to unravel because his fantastic vision of what he wanted to happen just isn't reality. The insanity seems to leak out of his ears as he spouts off obscenities, and stomps off to try and resurrect. Whatever has fallen through the cracks. Poor guy! I read an article just today about a mother and her adult autistic son. Mom went and picked her son up from his house to spend the weekend at home. It was Superbowl weekend and her son was determined to go to a Superbowl party. But the only people they knew that might be having one were out of town that weekend, and might not be back on time. The 23 year old diligently called each of his friend's to see who might be celebrating... Only to find that most of them have moved away. But excitedly, mom took her son to buy a bag of chips and bake some cookies for a Superbowl party that wasn't even on. His mother did get ahold of their friend's that had gone out of town. They said he could come over to their place if they were back in time. So at three o clock Sunday afternoon, a very nervous mom drove her son, bag of chips and plate of cookies on his lap, to his friend's home. The whole time she prayed that they would be home... That they would invite him in... That they wouldn't mind having him, that they wouldn't be too exhausted. Matthew knew, without ever wavering that there would be a party this weekend! It was an adrenaline rush that had kept him going all weekend! What would the reaction be if there weren't one?
Wonderfully, mom's prayer's were answered. Their friend's had come home! A family member answered the door in her bathrobe, and said "Matt! I was hoping that was you!". Matt walks in the house with his plate of cookies and said that he would need a bowl for the chips. He also promptly said:
"Mom, you can go now.". (Hey, these were HIS friend's, ya know!)
Anyway, like Clark Griswold, Matt had a plan and he would not waiver from it. And guess what?... In the end, his wonderful idea came to be! (thanks to an optimistic, and discreet and patient mom who allowed her son to cling to his idea, even though she was truly afraid it would not work out. She was sorta like Ellen, following Clark through all his determined plans. :). I've seen my own mom handle countless things with me in this way too. But it occurs to me that for the parent of someone with AS or Autism, it can be quite a juggling act. At least, I would think so. Sometimes, even for adults with these conditions, there is simply no way to avoid a very strong emotional reaction to failed plans. Sometimes things just don't work out. But when the anticipation of success gives one something to look forward to... What happens when plans fall through? How difficult is it to be so dependent on the reassurance of others, but feel guilty because you don't want to NEED that anymore? So the parent in this sort of dynamic is caught between wanting to make "dreams" come true, but being fearful that this won't be the reality. At least, this is my guess. Goodness! :). But then there are those awesome times when somehow, everything comes together and it all works out...sometimes better tan expected! Yes!! Sweet victory!! :)
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Warning: SPOILER ALERT! :)
Nine year old Oskar doesn't want to come out from under his bed. The phone is ringing & he just wants to escape the schrill, piercing sound. It's his dad calling...again.. It's September 11th, and his dad keeps calling from work... The World Trade Center. Persistently, he keeps asking for someone to pick up...and it's come over the answering machine each time. "is everyone okay?". Again and again, he says, "come on Buddy, I know you can do it.". (or something to that effect). But Oskar won't come out of his wonderfully thought up little cave. Once Oskar's dad had said to him something about collecting something from each decade of the 20th century. That was one of many scavenger hunts this loving father had sent his son on. It was a puzzle, a maze...something filled with ideas and methods for Oskar to chew on. His mother Linda was at work that day....frantically trying to get in touch with her husband.
Anyway, there was one more treasure hunt that Oskar was supposed to go on with his dad. Now, Oskar is determined to finish what his dad started... And he's going on a "hunt" that he never expected. Oskar was snooping around his parent's closet one day when a blue, ceramic vase, slides off a shelf and shatters. What"s left on the floor is a piece of paper and... A key. What on earth does this key fit into? Oskar is quite determined, he must find out! What was his dad trying to say?? This was the treasure hunt the two of them were on before... Well... Oskar's dad had something to tell him, and this may be the only connection (yet unsolved) that these two have left (in a sense).
So every day, Oskar leaves his house with his tambourine. Sometimes the noise is just too much you know... The lights, the traffic, people shouting... When the noise is just too much, Oskar jingles his tambourine, just to bring his world into focus. Sometimes bridges and strange surfaces are a real problem. Okay Oskar, be brave now! He needs to know where that key goes! But how would he find that out? There was a method to this for sure! So Oskar obsessed over every last thing his dad had ever said... Little notes he left, previous treasure maps (maybe there was something Oskar had overlooked). He meticulously categorized names, addresses and the distances he'd need to trek to get there. Maybe Oskar's grandpa could tell him something about his father. But there's a problem...Oskar's grandpa is a complete recluse. He never talks to anyone. Oskar had been told never to even ask about him... But all those rules must be broken now...
Soon Oskar will need to face an emotional avalanche, for which there is no method, no formula... No control.
The character of Oskar is a high functioning autistic. He is very intelligent and passionet, but very jumpy and irritable. He seems to have no patience for the mundane things that others can't figure out. His knowledge of complicated things is extensive, and as sweet as he can be, Oskar is often short tempered and angry. He has trouble understanding why others can't seem to read things the same way he does. But as Oskar's dad had told him: The way that he see's the world is gift.
When I saw, this movie, I was just bawling. I had to wipe my eyes with my shirt. At the time, I knew nothing about Autism or Asperger's Syndrome. I just kept watching the character of Oskar and feeling such a connection to him. He's intense and easily upset; very passionate about a few things... But then. Very childlike. :)
Those Asperger's Syndrome and Autism have sensory issues. Translation: Their five senses are highly sensitive & easily stirred. The smallest of things can cause a sort of sensory overload, giving them a sometimes intense need to hide from, or escape their surroundings. So the title of the movie doesn't only refer to planes hitting the Twin Towers... But the way this intelligent boy feels on a daily basis.
Nine year old Oskar doesn't want to come out from under his bed. The phone is ringing & he just wants to escape the schrill, piercing sound. It's his dad calling...again.. It's September 11th, and his dad keeps calling from work... The World Trade Center. Persistently, he keeps asking for someone to pick up...and it's come over the answering machine each time. "is everyone okay?". Again and again, he says, "come on Buddy, I know you can do it.". (or something to that effect). But Oskar won't come out of his wonderfully thought up little cave. Once Oskar's dad had said to him something about collecting something from each decade of the 20th century. That was one of many scavenger hunts this loving father had sent his son on. It was a puzzle, a maze...something filled with ideas and methods for Oskar to chew on. His mother Linda was at work that day....frantically trying to get in touch with her husband.
Anyway, there was one more treasure hunt that Oskar was supposed to go on with his dad. Now, Oskar is determined to finish what his dad started... And he's going on a "hunt" that he never expected. Oskar was snooping around his parent's closet one day when a blue, ceramic vase, slides off a shelf and shatters. What"s left on the floor is a piece of paper and... A key. What on earth does this key fit into? Oskar is quite determined, he must find out! What was his dad trying to say?? This was the treasure hunt the two of them were on before... Well... Oskar's dad had something to tell him, and this may be the only connection (yet unsolved) that these two have left (in a sense).
So every day, Oskar leaves his house with his tambourine. Sometimes the noise is just too much you know... The lights, the traffic, people shouting... When the noise is just too much, Oskar jingles his tambourine, just to bring his world into focus. Sometimes bridges and strange surfaces are a real problem. Okay Oskar, be brave now! He needs to know where that key goes! But how would he find that out? There was a method to this for sure! So Oskar obsessed over every last thing his dad had ever said... Little notes he left, previous treasure maps (maybe there was something Oskar had overlooked). He meticulously categorized names, addresses and the distances he'd need to trek to get there. Maybe Oskar's grandpa could tell him something about his father. But there's a problem...Oskar's grandpa is a complete recluse. He never talks to anyone. Oskar had been told never to even ask about him... But all those rules must be broken now...
Soon Oskar will need to face an emotional avalanche, for which there is no method, no formula... No control.
The character of Oskar is a high functioning autistic. He is very intelligent and passionet, but very jumpy and irritable. He seems to have no patience for the mundane things that others can't figure out. His knowledge of complicated things is extensive, and as sweet as he can be, Oskar is often short tempered and angry. He has trouble understanding why others can't seem to read things the same way he does. But as Oskar's dad had told him: The way that he see's the world is gift.
When I saw, this movie, I was just bawling. I had to wipe my eyes with my shirt. At the time, I knew nothing about Autism or Asperger's Syndrome. I just kept watching the character of Oskar and feeling such a connection to him. He's intense and easily upset; very passionate about a few things... But then. Very childlike. :)
Those Asperger's Syndrome and Autism have sensory issues. Translation: Their five senses are highly sensitive & easily stirred. The smallest of things can cause a sort of sensory overload, giving them a sometimes intense need to hide from, or escape their surroundings. So the title of the movie doesn't only refer to planes hitting the Twin Towers... But the way this intelligent boy feels on a daily basis.
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