What can I do?

Duh?? But I thought... I once asked a a question on a popular AS Facebook page that said: "What are some things you ladies do to cope with sudden changes in life?"

I became alarmed when I got NO responses (!!!). An inevitable part of AS and Autism is mood swings and anxiety, which can cause meltdowns. Sudden, unexpected changes can put this process in high gear. So, I thought I would share with you a few simple things I do (or try to do) to make changes and transitions easier. Now I'm no doctor, and certain conditions need a doctor's diagnosis, care etc. Use your best judgement at knowing when to see a physician.

1. Learn to say NO

This is a HUGE one, so I'll start off with that. One of my favorite songs says it best: "There'll never be an end to the request upon your time. It's your place to stand up & tell the world you gotta rest a while.". I know this can be super hard for us super sensitive Aspies, but sometimes it's the only way. If you're like me, you also struggle with an internal guilt because you really LOVE your "cave" and your alone time. As in, too much. :) Just as sometimes, we have to make ourselves get up and function...sometimes, we need to do the opposite. When you need some ME time, take it. Believe it or not, you CAN say no to some of the countless functions and activities that your friends, family and co-workers are just determined that you join (especially if they know you have a tendency to "hibernate," and they feel it's their duty to "bring you out of your shell". Be careful. Sometimes we need to be in the shell for a while to recharge. Take your time. This can be especially critical around the holidays.

2. Make a List

This is something that will help you prepare for later when you DO have anxiety & tension. What things help you settle down? For me, usually it's certain tastes in my mouth: hard candy, or Hershey's kisses, a cold Pepsi? Maybe 3x5 cards with meditations, Bible verses, or favorite quotes. For some, having something to hold, or squeeze helps with stimming and helps take the edge off when nerves are on end. Try to keep these things with you...in your purse, bag, briefcase, pockets, backpack, lunch bag or in your car.

3. Step Outside

This is not always possible, but, whenever the situation permits, go get some air. This can help you get your thoughts together and calm down.

4. Take some deep breaths

This is for those times when you can't step outside or take a restroom break. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. Stand with your feet shoulder width apart and slowly breathe through your nose, this way, you take a much deeper breath and that helps your body relax.

5. Say it with Music

I have certain music I use that helps me calm down. Keep your favorite device & headphones with you. Organize your favorite playlists, or download your favorite music on to CD's. Nature sounds also work wonderfully for this. I love ocean waves, myself. Note: this can help a lot with sleep as well. Concentrating on music, comforting words or sounds can lessen anxiety and stress at night.

6. Reward Yourself

When facing something that perhaps you're are dreading to do, think of ways to reward yourself in the process. Make a special stop for example. Is there a favorite restaurant or coffee place on the way home? A bookstore, a look at antiques, is there a movie you really want to see? Go see it now! Note: sometimes a reward can become something as simple as a walk to the vending machine, if you're at work all day, or waiting at the hospital, say. Sit in your car & listen to a favorite radio program maybe.

7. Know your Triggers

This can be another list. For instance, I tend to get tension headaches, so I keep some pain reliever with me, just in case. If I really anticipate a stressful day, I'll even take it in the morning before I get started with the day. I also get butterflies in the stomach sometimes, so I keep some pepto tablets or antacids handy too. Now, I don't recommend using these things everyday. I only keep them just in case other things don't work, or are not practical.

8. Go Natural

I have two bottles of drops on my kitchen counter. They are both plant extracts that I got at a health food store. One says: anxiety and tension on the label, the other says failure and inadequacy. They are formulas designed for each. I take three drops of each on my tongue in the morning when I get up. Now I'm not giving away any names because different things work for different people, and some things don't work for certain people. I'll just say that they work for me... and with no side effects or higher doses. Do your research. There are a lot of supplements and remedies out there for anxiety, tension, and mood changes that really work, and have no side effects. They're natural. Just make sure you read up on them and use them correctly :)

9. Take Sheldon's Advice

On "The Big Bang Theory," whenever someone is upset, Sheldon offers them a hot beverage. Course, with Sheldon, this is not optional. This person is being comforted...whether they like it or not! :). But personally, I find that Sheldon's advice works...and you have as many options as you like! Hot tea, hot chocolate, hot cider, hot buttered rum :). You name it...it's quite comforting. Anything from Starbucks works! Just settle in and sip slowly...try it...I dare you! :)

10. Make A Space

Weather it is your bedroom, a corner of your house, or even a closet. Find a space in your house that you can make a refuge. A place that you can go to for relaxing when you're stressed. Fill it with things that comfort you: books, journals, favorite pillows, candles, CD's, favorite artwork, the sky's the limit! Just keep it simple, so the space doesn't defeat it's purpose. This can be where you go, say, during or after a meltdown. The best spaces can be one's that are not even in the house. :) my ideal space is one where I can shut out all lights and sound if I want to. Just do the best you can, and relax! :)


Hopefully, these things can help with stress anxiety and the Meltdowns that come with Autism and AS.

Ripe Old Age :)

Duh?? But I thought...

What is it like for those who are elderly and have AS? Not even sure what made me think of this. Are there a lot of symptoms of AS that are simply attributed to "aging," and lost on most people...maybe even the person with AS? :). Does AS become worse as we age, or does it seem to, because we ARE aging? Hmmmm... I've read on various pages and things, that it does seem to become worse as we age. I suppose it all depends. For instance, women (in particular) with AS, can have a lot of difficulty with fine motor skills and depth perception. They can also have poor muscle tone. Doesn't all this tend to get worse as we age anyway? Usually. But how much more profound would it be for someone who always had issues with these things, and aging is making it all much worse? Now, most people with AS tend to have very long memories; but oftentimes our short term memories really fail us. We must have things repeated for us many times. I know I need this a lot! :). In fact, this is how things make it into my long term memory. I'm pretty sure, this is how it works for NTs too, but as usual, for those with AS, it tends to be more frustrating and more profound.

Anyway, I know I have often gotten a reputation for not listening, not paying attention, and not caring what others are saying. I often can't retain what was said to me until I hear myself say it. I don't know why...I'll have to ask God one day. But anyway, people can become upset and frustrated with me... "I just said that!". That kinda thing. So, how is it when all of this is exacerbated by age? Sensory difficulties, sensitivity to light and sound; difficulty retaining what is said to you because your brain must process all that is going on around you, (stimuli)and it might be that the aging process has caused all these things to be even more profound than they already were. Can we have enough patience to say the same thing a thousand times... to be understanding when someone steps right on us or backs into us, because they literally don't know where their body is in terms of space? This is WEIRD, yes...at least, I think so. And I hate it! But it happens to me all this time! Can AS possibly be confused with Alzheimer's? I don't know. And I'm no doctor. This makes me wonder how much worse Alzheimer's is made if someone also has AS or HFA (??).

The thing is, it's expected that someone who is aging will have things like memory loss, moodiness, poor coordination and balance, that kinda thing. So how often are the intense challenges and struggles of someone with AS masked by aging? Add to this, the fact that many elderly people living with AS have been living with it all their lives... But nobody knew what it was! What do you have to tell yourself all your life just to make it through? How many elderly folks today just grew up with the label of "slow," "clumsy," or even "retarded"? Maybe they struggled socially and academically at school. Maybe boys were bullied terribly, but their parents just thought "Boys will be boys"? So can we discern AS or autism in an elderly person, and if so...how do we tell? I'm not sure. Hmmm...how would one even find out more about this? I wonder...

Almost There...(Still)

Duh?? But I thought...

I saw a You Tube video about a girl who has HFA. The video demonstrates a typical day for her, dealing with her sensory issues and normal worries. Her dad does a voice over, and says: "In some ways, I think her having HFA can even be harder than if she were severely Autistic; because, you seem to spend your whole life being almost there...and then the disability takes over, and she realizes again, that she didn't quite make it. Whereas, if a person is severely autistic, their limitations can be much more clearly defined, and also their abilities." I think he was trying to say that there may not be as many grey areas for someone with severe autism, and this can make things less complicated overall (??). Hmmm... I am thankful to God for all of the ability that I have. What a gift!

This morning I saw a FB post from a page dealing with Autism and AS, from a person who is worried because they are an adult now, and their parents are getting older. People around this person are telling them that they need to get their life together and be an adult (because of the age of their parents). I can relate. Personally, I know that God gives everyone different strengths and weaknesses for a reason. He places different people in our lives, not just because we need them, but because they need us too. But it's no mystery that Autistics often don't reach normal milestones that show development at the typical time that others around them do. Hey, in many cases we DO reach them, and we do it well. But I think we often feel an acute sense of alienation, because we seem to live so much of our life, "out of gear" from most around us. Now our lives are so full of specific mercies and graces that God tailors to our situation and circumstances. Things that we would never know, were it not for the "weaknesses" in our lives that allow his strength to show.

What happens when someone comes of age (as it were) and they've been of age for a long time, but are still dependent on adults in ways that they dearly wish they were not? What if there seems to be no way to fix it, and so they must give into the weakness and allow others to help them? What better way to demonstrate God's grace, right? But here's where the fear comes in: The adults around this adult are getting older, they're tired (maybe they're hurting because they can't do a lot of things they used to). The one thing those of us with disabilities do not want is to be a burden to those around us. It breaks our hearts when we start out with so much passion, drive and enthusiasm to do the right thing (this we have droves of energy for) and then we get that feeling of "drop" as we must come to the realization that our bodies and senses are not able to handle the day to day processes of... working an 8hr a day job, or driving a car, handling multiple directions at once, dealing with bright lights, loud noises, and the overwhelming feeling that we just want to hide under a blanket and cry. There's a torrent of questions that run through our minds all the time. Sometimes, one of them is: Do I completely suck as a human being?" Ouch.

Now, as depressing as this is, I think we ALL have asked this at times of ourselves. I'm not saying that this is exclusive to those with disabilities...it isn't. But as we with disabilities get older, it becomes harder and harder to deal with the "burden" that we are a burden to others, I think. Sometimes we hate the fact that we feel like a little toddler learning to walk and we need a stronger, wiser, more capable adult to lean on to help us up the stairs of life. Add to this, the fear that those who make up our support system ARE getting older. Sometimes we fear that they will die and leave us. Then what?? What do we do when we feel like we're sliding around on thin ice and we're only trying to keep from sliding. We need to hold somebody's hand for that, but we feel rotten for sort of "attaching" to someone else. We're an adult now, right? Many of us also have a "crippling" fear that those we have to depend on, might secretly hate us. Because we can't seem to grow up. We can't get our lives together. We seem to always need the same assistance for the same things, and so we are forced to find different ways of measuring our successes in life, that usually are not the more noticeable successes of most of those around us.

Who wants to live with a spirit of fear (especially when God has not given us a spirit of fear)? So the guilt becomes thicker. Sometimes it seems to eat at our hearts like a moth eats at an old sweater. We know, we can't attach to other people THAT much, so we develop other attachments, vices, and methods of coping that often are unconventional and can seem childish, even. We have a Heavenly Father who understands. Anyone, who wants to ask me why I believe in God, it's that simple. He is the empathy that I often do not show to others...and not because of any Autism. It's because I'm self centered and want my own agenda, with the least amount of complication. Hey, doesn't everybody?

Noises Off

Duh?? But I thought...

Sometimes what goes on inside is so all consuming that the physical body has no energy. Forgive me for the times I say way too much and seem to dump it all on your head. Quiet, sweet, full of wisdom...sure. But it feels like there's a volcano inside that threatens to erupt. It's energy, that I never seem to get rid of. When relaxing takes effort, you know you're in trouble, right? I wish I could run and run and run....but it's not going to happen. It's like there's another person and she's trapped inside me. The more she tries to get free, the more (she) is restrained. What do I do? It's like I'm underwater, swimming towards the surface, needing to concentrate...where is the top? Nothing can be released until I reach it. I finally make it, the air hits my lungs and this long scream wants to ring out. But it can't.

I must be reserved, in tact...and sociable. So, I am, I suppose...should I have a script? I just want to hold on to an idea, or thought...maybe one I had when I was "under the water.". Everyone wants to talk. Can I make room for what they want to say? I'll try. But excuse me if I need to step out. Sorry if I don't look at you or answer your question.
Don't worry, it is not your fault I want to just pull a blanket over my head. It's just too much? The light, the sound, the voices everywhere around.
My own thoughts won't leave me be, and I need to turn everything off.

Fear

Duh?? But I thought...

I think it's hard when someone longs deeply to do something...because they are so afraid of it. But maybe, the fear involved, is the very reason they should not do it. I have figured out that this is the reason that I am not content being single. I've always held the idea of marriage in my mind as a refuge for all of the uncertainty of being single. Sorry for breaking the rule of "enjoying" being single...but it's true.

In the very back of my Bible I have a note that reads:

"The intensity of my desire to be married has been fueled by a profound fear that I'd never succeed at it."

Yes, this is quoted...actually written in the back of my Bible. No one else said it (on the radio, or anything). This is literally a major answer to prayer that I was prompted with one day, and I was convicted that I needed to write it down. It's dated February 10, 2008. Do I want to be motivated by a spirit of fear? Absolutely not. But I must be honest, and forgive me in advance if this becomes too intense. The more time that goes on, the more the fear that I will never get married seems to choke me. Then I feel doubly bad because apparently, I'm not handling this like an adult.

The truth is, I am a child of divorce who is scared out of her mind that I've been disqualified from being married at all because of things that she's already been through. On top of that, I tend to have a bad temper and a lot of difficulty making transitions. Gee, the groundwork for staying single permanently seems to be laid, doesn't it?

I hate those parts of me. My bad temper. My trouble making transitions. My pessimism, and my tendency to assume the worst. Awful. That's not how I see myself in my head, ya know? In my head, I want to overcome all my laziness and help anybody I can. I want to be self-controlled and have things be decent and in order. Temperate. Mellow. Somebody who knows God is in control, and she models that...rather than being moody and panicked. I've heard it all. I know it always comes when you're not looking for it. I know God is in control. I know he knows what he's doing. I know he knows exactly what I can handle. I know I can't rush it. I know singleness is a gift. I know there are a lot of lonely married people. I know marriage is not a fix-all. I know married people have problems too.

Okay, so now that it has been established that I'm such a "know it all"... (sorry) :) I'm going to be a know it all just a little bit longer, and then I'll stop.

I know I need to keep busy. I know I need to GET busy and serve people. I know I can't look for anybody to complete me. I know the divorce rate is alarmingly high, and I know I don't want to become another statistic. I also know that I romanticize way too much and this doesn't help. I know that I'm living in a culture that does not encourage marriage anymore because too many of them fail. I've been told countless times that I'm just better off not being married. It's easier, and anyway, it's not worth it to get married because it probably won't last. All of this just breaks my heart. The truth is, that I do have a terrible sense of incompleteness (even with God in my life) that I know marriage will not fix. I'm embarrassed to talk about that because I don't have the life experience to understand that marriage won't fix that. I know I don't want to find this out the hard way. But then I'm left suspended in mid air, between a rock and a hard place, having no clue what to do.

I end up beating myself up because I can't seem to learn that God is enough, and I need to trust Him. Why can't I understand this? Why don't I get it? I feel like I'm in a world where practically everything is something I'm not allowed to do, and I'm supposed to be happy about that because it's so much easier than trying to make a life with someone. Maybe so...but something is definitely wrong, and I need to know what it is. Maybe I really do think that I am less of a person because I'm not joined in marriage to someone. How could I ever admit this without feeling like the dumbest Christian who ever lived, because I should know better?

I hate the fact that I feel unqualified to handle God's most sacred covenant. This is heartbreaking to me! I don't like it at all. If I spend everyday feeling like I can't be who God made me to be...how am I supposed to be assured that I'm not less of a person? Apparently, this IS who God made me to be...single. But it's miserable. It's lonely. It's incomplete...I'm sorry, but it is! Yes, I know, there are a lot of lonely married people out there too right? So does that disqualify me from even saying anything about it? I'm just trying to figure out where the screw up came in. Something is wrong. I just wanna know what it is. Is that all that life is...just being thankful that things are (just) horrible and not MISERABLE too?

I know a lot of successfully married people. I want so badly to understand what makes them so...but none of them seem to want to encourage me that I could ever have the same thing. What is wrong with me? What do you guys know that I don't? (a lot, I'm sure!). If marriage is that miserable, why'd you guys do it then? Seriously...these are things I want to ask someone.

In the end, I just need to keep trusting God. This is true. I'm not stupid. I know marriage is hard and it will never complete me. NEVER will I run out & just marry anyone because I just don't wanna be single anymore. I have too much pride in the person God has made me to be. Am I scared to get married? Yes! Of course! I don't think I'd be human if I were not. All I can say is...I need to (at the right time) conquer this fear. A fear that I must get honest about, but I shouldn't even be operating out of...so, what do do with that?? Anyway, we're all damaged (not perfect, I mean). I think the deception comes when we (I) believe that I am more damaged than most. My goal now, is going to be to humble myself & not be so full of conceit.

A Thorn in My Soul

Duh?? But I thought...

I got rid of it.

My Garfield coffee cup

My Whinnie the Pooh glass and plate

My strawberry hat.

My purple velvet hat

my favorite patchwork purse

My stupid Kermit the Frog lunch box

My Raggedy Ann and Andy placemat? Cut to shreds...it's gone!

My duck tape...every unique roll of it? That went in the dumpster with the fucking lunchbox...

AND everything else I just mentioned.

One Christmas, I wanted a pink bunny suit like the one Ralphie had to wear in the movie
I'll have fun tearing that to shreds!!


Oh yeah, and anything else I find that is too juvenile or looks like it belongs in a fucking ten year old's room.

Why am I doing all this crap?

BECAUSE IVE GOTTA FUCKING GROW UP, STUPID! DONT WE ALL???? :(

You Might Be... :)

Duh?? But I thought...

I have been added to the most fun Facebook page!
It's called "You Might Be an Aspie If...". I really love it! I assume, of course that the name is taken from the Jeff Foxworthy "You Might Be A Redneck" routine. Of course, I'm one of those too, so I love it! So, I love adding comical but truthful things to the page.

"If you need a nap, after hooking up your DVD player...you might be an Aspie."
"If you wear your shirt inside out, and don't even notice it till you put on your PJ's...you might be an Aspie!"

Those are a couple of mine.

So anyway, I think, since I brought it up, I should define the term Redneck:
It is a glorious absence of sophistication. (That's according to Jeff Foxworthy, himself).

So, "If your working television sits on top of your non-working television...you might be a redneck."
"If you have a complete set of salad bowls that say 'Cool Whip' on the side...you might be a redneck."
"If you think N Sync is where your dirty dishes are...you might be a redneck."

That type a thing. Anyway...for more familiarity on " You Might Be. Redneck" watch the original "Blue Collar Comedy Tour." (or any of them, for that matter) but the original is the best, I think. For more familiarity with "You Might Be An Aspie if, " visit the FB page. :)

A Drink of Water in the Desert

Duh?? But I thought...

Gonna make this one short and sweet because I'm tired...but I just wanted to get something down before I forgot about it. Tonight, I did a YouTube search on Autism and sexuality. Found a video from a young guy (I gather he was in England, but I'm not positive). Anyway, he used a certain sentence that just struck me, because it seemed to convey exactly how I feel...but I've never been able to word it exactly like he did.

He said: "You mourn the loss of something you've never had because you know you're never going to get it.".

Yep! Bingo!...Bulls eye! That's it! This explains why, deep down, part of me always feels like Charlie Brown when Lucy snatches the football, and he lands flat on his back...or like Bugs Bunny when he says:

"Something tells me I shoulda stood in bed!"

Leave it to me to make comparisons with cartoon characters...but it's true! My mother has told me before that she feels really bad because she didn't really teach me any coping skills; but, to my relief, I think that those with Autism have difficulties LEARNING coping skills to begin with! Now, I know what you're thinking:

"How do you know you'll never get it? What do you mean?"

Well, in my case, I mean, a husband and a regular job. Those who are autistic want so much just to be on par with "normal people" (or you might say neuro-typical people). I think we grieve because something inside us is petrified that we never REALLY will be. I also think this is part of the reason we have meltdowns. I further believe that this is the reason we put so much weight on normal, everyday, mundane experiences, and we LONG for those things (eg. Marriage, job, moving away, children (maybe)). I mean, what is it like to literally long for those things all the time and then be petrified because you don't even know if you have the coping skills to deal with any of them? I mean, I know I couldn't even fake it! There's not enough emulating I could do of anybody, to do that EVERYDAY...I don't think so.

So, do I resign myself to the fact that it's just EASIER and my life is more simplified if I don't even try?? Who needs that?? That's crazy...and I refuse to give into it! But it's like I said...there's a grieving that goes on... for what I've never had, because I know I'll never get it. Things have to be altered, they have to be changed... They have to be adapted...and for that matter, I DON'T know that I'll never get it. But sometimes the breath of hope is stale air, and I'm struggling to FEEL as important as I really AM to God. Letting patience have it's perfect work is one thing...I just wanna make sure I don't dry up...you know? Anybody else feel that way?

Lectured...

Duh?? But I thought...

My step dad used to lecture me incessantly. He made me nervous...what else can I say? Very rarely, would he ever speak to me. Instead, it was always AT me. I remember...his vehicle (whichever one he had at the time) would pull in the driveway, and everyone in the house had to quickly look like they were doing something...because if not, we were lectured on the ills of having done nothing all day. Usually, we were only relaxing because it was evening, and we were tired because we'd been busy all day...but that made no difference. I remember him making me look up the words "Independence" and "Systematic" in the dictionary because he'd decided that I wasn't good at either one one of these things...and it was time I learned what they were. I was only 11.

He was an artist. When he married my mother, our garage became his (sort of) studio. One afternoon while I was washing dishes (a MUST as a daily chore), I suddenly heard him out there cussing. I thought I heard him drop something, and I wondered if he hurt himself. When he came in the house, I made the mistake of asking him if anything was wrong. It was a mistake because he became really nasty with me. He demanded to know why I would assume anything was wrong...and didn't I know what I was doing when I ASSUME things? Apparently, I was making an ASS out of both him and myself (ME).

He stood in the kitchen and lectured me; warning me I needed to mind my own business. I stood there mortified, with a squished dish rag in one hand and a wet glass in the other as he went and got a pad of paper and...wrote the word ASSUME on it in all caps. I figured out that he was still showing me what I had done wrong...but. WHAT was that exactly? I had't even gotten to tell him that I just wanted to make sure he was okay. He wouldn't let me! He asked me if I knew what I had done...telling me to LOOK at the word on the paper. I stared at it hard; but had NO idea what he meant. (For goodness sakes, I was only a kid!)

Many a discussion with him suddenly and unexpectedly turned into a noisy torrent of words that just made me wish I could dissolve onto the floor into a puddle. Then I wouldn't have to hear anymore. His words hurt. Sometimes, I felt like he was literally hitting me on the head with a hammer. I wanted to scream: STOP!!! But then, I'd never hear the end of THAT. My only option was to stand there and allow him to "teach" me what I'd done wrong. I had done nothing wrong. So why did my "parent" (figure) suddenly seem so determined to "break" me? I remember one night, he came in the door from work, and mom and I were relaxing on the sofa. The armchair in the corner was piled with clean laundry...which he suddenly began throwing at us. Here it came...the lecture...and all the humiliation that came with it. Why were we so lazy and why hadn't we done anything all day. (??)

This is not about laundry, dishes, or looking up words in the dictionary. And that is exactly my point. These things are not important. So why did I need to build an imaginary wall around myself? I didn't want to; but so often, perpetual "bullets" would fly. Why did he get SO MAD...SO EASILY?? I drove myself crazy trying to answer this question. I decided (at some point) that I would not love him; I didn't want to be close to him...and I would NEVER be like him...EVER. I learned quickly to keep as close as possible to my mother, and do everything I could to rise above, what I deemed was, his own stupidity.

If he lectured me or called me any names, I'd pretend I was holding a giant mirror in between us. That way, he'd be staring in that mirror and treating HIMSELF like dirt kicked under somebody's shoe. He wasn't talking that way to ME!

I think there's a lot of truth in the way I sheltered myself. As badly as he treated me at times...he must've felt a hundred times worse about himself. In order to "dump" all that on someone else, a person has to have all that going on inside of them...yeah? The problem was that my "empathy" Became less and less. Oh, don 't misunderstand me: His treatment of me and refusal to ever acknowledge it was NOT my fault. The thing was...the less empathy I allowed myself to have for him...the angrier I became. The angrier I became, the more isolated I was...even though I poured myself into so many other things, like my friend's at school, my homework, and the support group I attended. I knew nothing at that time about AS or Autism...I just knew that I had a step dad who would get mad at me and ask me if I wanted to be dumb all my life. Looking back...I wonder if he was actually petrified because he thought that I believed HE was dumb. Poor guy. Yeah...I said that...poor guy.

People only wound someone else when they are wounded themselves. As an adult, now determined to move on with my life...I need to remember this. Back then, the one thing we had in common that smothered everything else, was our wounded spirits...mine because he was wounding it...and his because of years of experiences (most of which I will never know about) that I as a child, should never have been expected to grasp. I now know, that we really did have so much more in common with each other than that; but his need to hold me down, and my need to be left alone suffocated everything. I had not planed to write this...but I think I needed to because here it is...what can I say?

Anyway...he died a few years back. He'd had mounting health issues, and we'd been silently preparing (or knowing we needed to) for a long time. I'd spent the first night in the first place I had all to myself. I was still in bed that morning, boxes stacked everywhere, when my phone rang. I didn't answer it. I was exhausted and I let it ring. About an hour later, it rang again, and I was up then. It was my mother, telling me that he had passed away the night before. I was numb...but it was a displaced, well-we-knew-this-was-coming kind of numb. I hadn't allowed myself to "feel" towards him for so long, that it was hard now. I was sad, of course, but I immediately went down the road of well-at-least-he's-not-suffering-anymore. I know now, that I was only continuing to do what I'd always done: I held myself together because I'd learned for so long that around him...it was not safe to fall apart. At his funeral, the dam broke (as it were), and I cried like a baby...sobbed on my mother's shoulder. I don't think anybody expected this... certainly not me! It's not that I was DETERMINED to keep it out...I just didn't even realize that I felt that bad...that I was hurting that much...that I missed him...that I loved him.

The feelings that I had wanted to express to the man that I came to know as a parent when he was alive...had to wait until he had died to show themselves. I guess in his world, vulnerability was not accepted...so try as he might...he couldn't take it from anyone else. This is my theory, anyway. I know now, that I had convinced myself for so long that I had never needed him...that I would not let myself know that really did need him.

I needed him. I loved him.

I'm still not used to saying this at all...because I'm still waiting for the "lecture.". Now...I'm scared to death of someday marrying somebody just like him. But this is a tragic statement... One that I do not want to become my mantra! This is why...as long as I've been single...the idea of marriage has never left my mind. But determining who I will never be like is pitiful grounds on which to build God's most sacred institution. So I'm now attempting to do what I could not... and then WOULD not allow myself to do. I know I need to let myself love the man that I was so determined I hated...only to protect myself. Hard as this might be...I really believe I need to open these "floodgates"...either that, or stay bound to trying to keep them locked up. Who needs that?!! I don't want my heart to stay a place where vulnerability isn't allowed to flow freely. I need to do this for ME...not anyone else; and for so long, this had never occurred to me.

So now, I want to take memories...experiences...things from back somewhere in my mind that don't involve a feeling of "drop.". I want to invite these things in, and start allowing myself to embrace all the things good, about a man that I learned to look at as a threat. Children should never have to learn to defend themselves from those who are supposed to make them feel cared for and safe; nor should adults, for that matter. But so often, this is what happens, and as a result, so many believe that marriage isn't even worth it anymore. How sad is that? No, marriage is not a requirement to be a great person...I just Want to make sure that I don't forfeit my future because I can't face my past.

PS...I know I have not said his name once here. It was Daniel.

Straight From the Heart

Duh?? But I thought...

Here I am in this blog which has an odd name (hey that almost rhymes), wondering how on earth to approach what I'm about to write...

This particular blog, has to do with my experiences dealing with Asperger's Syndrome...which I suspect I have, though I am only self-diagnosed. I do however, have another disability, which I was diagnosed with at birth. I have Cerebral Palsy. It's mild...I've had doctors tell me before that If I had not said anything, than they would've never known. Course... Then they see me walk and test my coordination a little, and they see that, yes...I do in fact have the condition caused by lack of oxygen (usually at birth).

CP can cause a whole mess of symptoms, many of which can be actually similar to Autism. I've looked up MANY lists of symptoms for Autism and AS (for both boys and girls) and with all of them combined, I found that many were similar...even identical to CP. As a result, I've even wondered if I was misdiagnosed because the symptoms for Autism seem to fit me even better than the one's for CP. Each of these conditions varies greatly, person to person, and AS affects girls very differently than boys...because our brains are wired differently to begin with... we're girls, right? Keep in mind, I'm no doctor...these are just observations of my own. Anyway, long story short, I think my CP has "masked" my Autism, and that's why we've never known I have it.

Now, I tell you that story, to tell you this story. (This story is quite different, but my point is the same).

I've always been quite sensitive...too sensitive, in fact. Always had a very childlike quality to me...look younger than my age, tend to love childlike things, and I have a need to know that there are still good intentions in the world. Any of these qualities, were either assumed to be just my natural personality, or attributed to a sensitivity brought on by struggling with CP all my life. Having a disability can bring with it an uncommon sense of tenderness, am I right? But sometimes one condition can either lead to, or "mask" another condition that the person can be puzzled by later on...

I once found a blog online simply called "Astrid's Blog.". If I remember correctly, Astrid is a bisexual female living with AS. She basically writes about what it is like to be bisexual and also have AS. As I looked through the blog, my mind started racing, as it often does, and I began to question many things.

I can say that, one thing I have never been unsure about, is whether I'm attracted to guys or girs. I am a princess, wanting to meet prince Charming...no question about it. To put it bluntly, I'm not attracted to females, I definitely like guys. But the thing is...I tend to like GAY guys...rather than straight guys. Okay...What's up with that? The problem there, obviously, is that gay guys are not attracted to GIRLS...Duh, right? But what the heck is goin' on there? Hmmm...the visions in my mind have always been, one man, one woman...for life. Obviously, this does not always happen, but ideally, that's what I want. I had two boyfriends back in high school, but the true love I've always wanted has elluded me...

Never could I understand why. Why didn't I want to date like a normal person? Why did all guys seem to scare me somehow? Why did the few guys I would become attracted to...usually turn out to be gay? (I would find out later). There would never be an actual relationship, mind you...just the hope for one. I would think that some guy was just the greatest thing since sliced bread, and get all ooey gooey over him...followed by a great big OOPPSS..don't think so. I should point out, that this was, either in reality...or fantasy. I would develop a fantasy around an actor, for example...and then find out he was gay.

Now, many actors ARE gay...duh, right?, there's no question about that. But the actors who actually had wives at home, rarely interested me at all. I thought they were not nearly as cute, and too rough around the edges. This always turned me off somehow. Now actually, I'm sure this is not as uncommon, or even as weird as it seems. I'm attracted to...tenderness, sweetness, sensitivity...and gay men have all of these things in abundance. Simple...and actually pretty smart, I think. (Until you consider that gay guys are not interested in girls) :) OOPPSS.

What I never could understand is how I would be drawn to gay guys...without KNOWING that they were gay. There's a big difference between knowing a man is gay while being attracted to his amazing qualities, and just not knowing...and then finding out the hard way. What I'm saying is, I would innocently believe that they were straight...being drawn to the sweetness in their hearts and countenance. I've never been someone who could "tell"...In retrospect, I can't tell even when the indications are screaming at me. Could this be due to AS? Do we just "not pick up" on those things?

Now, some people who are gay don't want everyone to know, that's true. On the other hand, some who are gay, just assume that everybody knows (I've had a few friends who did, anyway). But I always felt so strange because most people around me could (apparently) "tell". Most of the time, I couldn't. I never assume someone's gay, so until they tell me...or someone else does, I don't know. My attractions, and the fact that I could not pick up on a guy's sexual orientation really would make me wonder whether something was wrong with me. Bisexuality? That one's even harder for me. I mean, I can only relate to the way a guy treats ME. How am I supposed to tell whether he's attracted to guys too? Or do I just suck, because I can't tell? Is it like it was with me in the doctor's office?: I wouldn't know unless the person told me? What a mess! (from my perspective). I HAVE good taste in men...I mean, look at David Bowie! :)

As I said before, I am, at my core, a princess waiting for her prince...but everything about the process of pursuit (guys pursuing girls) was so uncomfortable and weird to me, that I would "run" from it. Wait a minute...he's the pursuer. He's supposed to chase me, and I'm supposed to let him catch me, right? This is the way it's supposed to be, right? All I can say is...I was (and still am) really afraid of letting any guy get too far into my world. I have a constant fear of being belittled and ridiculed...especially by men. The fact is, most qualities present in straight men are one's that I've had to learn to protect myself from, rather than be comfortable with. I prefer not to go into specifics, but like I said, gay men tend to be gentler, softer, and willing to be sure they don't hurt those around them. To a childlike, oversensitive girl like me...this is safety. This means I can breathe. This my "Teddy Bear" I've wanted all my life.

Is it possible for a guy to be straight but think like a gay man? How can it be when gay men are attracted to men? Seriously...I'm not being rhetorical here. How much harder is it when people "wonder" about guys who are even slightly tender or effeminate... as if being gay is the only possible reason a MAN could have for not being an obnoxious pain in the ass. Now I have known some amazing, sweet, considerate, "temperate" gentlemen who know how to treat their wives like Queens. Know where I met them? In church. Oh boy, now I've opened a different can of worms, but what can I say...it's true.

Is it POSSIBLE that some men who are gay or bisexual, are struggling with it because in their heart of hearts they don't think they were meant to be? And if a guy has Autism or AS, can he possibly be more "prone" to being gay or bisexual? (Maybe the autism "masks" it for awhile?). For instance, gay men tend to have many fetiches. (This is according to Dr. Joseph Nicolosi). What is a fetich? It's an unusual fixation with something, right? Don't people with autism develop many "unusual" fixations or obsessions? This is NOT to say that every autistic person is gay, or vice versa. No, not at all.

I then had to go on the personality traits of gay men that I have known. Just the one's I came up with in my mind matched traits found in most autistic (boys...but some of the same characteristics are found in autistic females too.). OCD tendencies, a need for strategic order (meticulous), overly sensitive (perhaps inappropriately sensitive?). As I looked all of this up, I became very sad...

Do you realize that for every AMAZING gay man on the planet, a girl misses out? This is heartbreaking to me because gay men are so wonderful. I mean, how many times have I heard that all the "good ones" are either gay or taken? So, I wanna know...Is there a way to turn it around? For those who might WANT to turn it around...is there a way to turn it around? I know, I know...we're always told that homosexuality needs to be accepted and embraced...and it DOES...for the sake of being honest. But what if a person could honestly turn homosexuality around if they wanted to?

I looked more into Dr. Joseph Nicolosi. His website says in bold letters: "You Don't Have to Be Gay". Wow. What does that mean?? Dr. Nicolosi says that in order for homosexuality to grip a person, they have to be disconnected from their body. Don't most autistic individuals have issues with...being "disconnected"? From their body? From what's going on around them? From other people (especially sexually?). I saw a FB post just today that dealt with asexuality in those with autism. Someone quoted Dr. Tony Atwood, who says that most Autistics tend to either not want sex at all, or they go the other way and become preoccupied with it. Now, asexuality is a different issue, I know, but I'm wondering about confusion. If a person grows up being confused about their body in general...can they not become confused about their sexuality too?

According to Dr. Nicolosi, something called Repairative Therapy can help a person learn to feel again, and discover what he calls their " heterosexual potential". He says that society teaches that shame comes when one finds out that they ARE homosexual. But he says Repairative Therapy teaches that homosexuality develops because people are attempting to repair what they are ashamed of. He says they learn to disconnect because they are trying to repair what's missing-- what has been "broken off" because of shame.

So, just how early does this process begin? Dr. James Dobson (Focus on the Family & Family Talk Radio) says it can begin as early as 18 months of age. He says that for a boy, there comes a point when they need to "break away" from mom and start "identifying" with dad (and being a man). But, apparently, this does not happen for all boys (or girls) but I'm sticking with guys here because I'm attracted to guys. :). Now, to me, all of this is very encouraging BECAUSE...according to the info. I found, homosexuality is not a choice people make...but neither are they born with it. It seems to me that it is a process that takes place in a child too young to even know what's happening to them. This also tells me that the "root" cause of homosexuality develops because a person is trying to survive and make sense out of things (though they don't know that in the beginning). So, then, the answer is not to accuse a homosexual of not caring about anything sacred and just abandoning it, right? Seems to me that they are trying desperately to get close to what is sacred, and moral, and right, not separate from it. Now, that's my opinion, based on what I researched; but it made light go on in my heart, because finally, this complicated subject made some sense!

Now, as mentioned, I don't have an issue with my own sexuality. My issue has to do with a fear of danger associated with men who are straight (because of past treatment). But amazingly, Dr. Nicolosi says this is the same issue that homosexual men have. That is, something happens to them that makes them afraid of men! This to me, is extremely interesting, because wouldn't you think that gay men would be afraid of WOMEN?(Isn't this why they gravitate toward men, because they're afraid of women? Dr. Nicolosi says no. Homosexual men are afraid of MEN. But they are desperately trying to connect with what they are afraid of (I would imagine, so they can conquer the the fear). He says that when a homosexual boy becomes a man, it's no longer about daddy teaching him how to be a man, but he still has the deep core loneliness inside. So he now struggles to "connect" with the men he's afraid of in another way. JN also says that homosexuality actually is not a a sexual problem...it's a gender identity problem. He quoted a client who'd been treated at his clinic as saying the following: "I realized that I don't have a problem sexually, but I DO have a problem with everything else."

Would a homosexual male, then, be unable to identify with women because he has not been allowed to identify with men either? I don't know. This is just a question that came to mind. But if it's true, it's just heartbreaking! Our men can learn to be men, so they can't identify with women either? What else is there? How does he deal with all the arguments, and stereotypes and scrutiny from others? Imagine, trying to escape one fear, only to be judged for who you've become? I think that whatever our views are on homosexuality...we need to look within the heart and empathize with someone who is probably very lonely. Those who are homosexual, and bisexual, need our love, and our support. Not our lectures, not our sermons, not our defensive arguments, and not our distancing ourselves. This only creates mistrust, which does not help. For the homosexual who secretly wishes for a wife and children, he needs to be able to voice that without being treated like he's a liar. He needs to know that there IS help and support. To the woman out there who is trying to get up the courage to let her defenses down, and just let a man be a man...I empathize with you. To the woman who feels safe with a man who's gay because he has the sensitivity she's wanting...I get it.

Lastly, to the person, who's autistic. They're lonely, curious and having trouble identifying with the same sex...let alone, the opposite sex...praying that you find someone you trust whom you can emulate, and share your feelings without fear. Do everything you can to build your confidence up, and be assertive...but gentle.

Much more to say, but I'm in need of sleep...

Blessings my friend!








How does a man be comfortable in his masculinity, and still be sweet and tender? How can a woman be comfortable in her femininity and ALLOW a man to be masculine, without unconsciously wishing he were more of a "girlfriend"? I know there are different kinds of "assertiveness," but which kind am I supposed to have? I mean, I have it in my head that straight guys are going to judge me or hurt me, or put me down...so I'm on the defensive there. This is not good, I know (because it doesn't help me get into a relationship); but I'm still trying to figure how to turn it around.

Treat Others as you Would Like to be Treated

Duh?? But I thought... Apparently, the duo Jodeci has some "Freestyle" lyrics that are derogatory because they are very disrespectful to those with Autism. In fact, I don't know why I said "apparently," because I've read the lyrics myself. I've seen a petition on Change.org, asking for a public apology, and for Jodeci to change the lyrics (or, I should say, remove them). The offensive verses are as follows:


(I went back a little bit)

"I'm undoubtedly the hottest and that's just me bein' modest.
Go check the numbers, dummy, that's just me gettin' started.
I'm artistic, you (N word's) is autistic, retarded.
Started. Hold your applause (...)"

Okay. He feels disrespected, and he's telling whomever disrespected him where they can go, right? That's basically the gist of it. ... For his own sake, he never should've used the word "Autistic" in that line! Doesn't he know that the outrage from this is only gonna get worse? The thing is...outrage usually does not surprise rappers. Autistics, take heart! What we have here is someone spewing venom to get a reaction out of someone... and we are giving (them) exactly what they expect. They are demanding respect but really disrespecting others in the process. Isn't this what usually happens with rap music? The pattern seems to be that a rapper fuels disrespect with the lyrics they write ABOUT someone else who disrespected them. They take the reaction from the public to their lyrics...and then write more lyrics about more disrespect. The cycle goes on and on.

Do I think that what (Drake) said was appropriate? Absolutely not. I think it's insulting, and derogatory and mean, and offensive, unnecessary, completely out of context, and a display of his own ignorance considering his choice of words! Never use any term that applies to a group of "differently abled" individuals to tell somebody where they can go. Why? Because, as rap artists are always whining about... IT'S TAKEN COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT AND WE'VE BEEN DISRESPECTED!!! When I say taken out of context, I simply mean that "Autistic" is obviously never a term one should use to insult someone in such a sick way. Duh, right? But some people don't get that!

Alright...expressing angst in rap music is one thing (this is what I would say to Drake) but we in the Autistic community have enough difficulties as it is explaining what Autism is NOT. So much of rap music is all about the rapper himself being taken out of context and misunderstood. HELLO!! So, if we voice how WE feel about THIS ignorance, will it be another rap song about more "disrespect"? Possibly. I don't know. As I said, the cycle goes on and on.

Do I think he should remove the lyrics? Yes. For his own sake he should remove those lyrics because now Autistic individuals everywhere are gonna say "I don't think so!". This is not just going to go away. But I refuse to personally be mad as hell at these guys and spew any uncontrollable anger, because as I said...this is the nature of rap music. Disrespect...and the disrespected fighting back...and on and on it goes. So, sign the petition...please do! It's on "CHANGE.ORG". Started by Keven Healey. There's also a link to it on Kevin Healey's Facebook page. (SAAS). In my opinion, the entire song in question is pretty much an ongoing, derogatory, offensive rant that is completely uncalled for (as is most rap music). But this time, a definite line has been crossed, don't ya think?

Noise

Duh?? But I thought... My family always seems to be in perfect sync with each other when when they talk. They speak in sync with each other and it doesn't matter what else is going on,...they always know what the other one is saying. But I'm the one who does not get heard. I try to join in conversations like those around me, and I'm ignored. I have to say things 3 to 5 times before they are even heard. I begin a sentence and I'm completely cut off. I sit between my family, trying to literally be in the middle of what's going on. It never ceases to amaze me, because my family will talk AROUND me and OVER me to each other, but I get cut off, and am not heard. I try to explain my position, and just sound completely ridiculous because the only problem seems to be that I am just too sensitive(maybe...but I can't help it.). I end up sitting on the sofa, just looking at my IPad, and grinding my teeth because I want to be heard, but I can't. When I raise my voice, I seem to just disrupt the flow of everything. My family is in sync with each other, and then they look at me like; "What's your problem?"

Most of the time, I don't really know how to get excited about the stuff my family goes on about. I find that I usually have to hear a conversation about three times before I can really respond to it the way I want. The first time, would simply be to take it all in, and make sure I understand what it's about! The second time would be to pick through and find the parts that best relate to me, and that I'm interested in. The third time would be to put together something thoughtful in response that I really want to say. However, this "process" is not real life. I only get one shot, and I'm dealing with switching subjects and sarcasm, and loud voices and jokes, and whatever is on TV. And that's another thing: Why does everybody always wait until I'm trying to watch TV to talk about everything under the sun?? I'll be watching a program that I've been waiting to watch ALL DAY, and THEN my family will start talking back and forth to each other, across the living room and the kitchen.

It is at this time that I officially become the "bad sport" because I literally become a spoiled sport. I have to get as close to the TV as possible, so I can try to hear what's going on. If ever I ask that others hush so that I can hear what's going on, I can tell that they don't get what my problem is. Then they feel nervous, like they can't say anything. (No... Just quiet down so I can hear!). The other thing I never understand is that supposedly, my family wanted to watch the same show too. But then they talk through it...loudly, and usually about things that have NOTHING to do with what's on TV.

Well...I can't hear. I can't concentrate. I can't enjoy the show because all the noise just gets mixed together and I can't process what's going on. But the worst is yet to be told :). At any given point somebody will suddenly go "So what happened?". I don't know...because I'm finding out what's happening at the same time they are...and I'm now being interrupted by someone asking me to explain what's going on! This just distracts me even further! So then, that person goes: "Well, you've been watching it, haven't you?". Strange. At the risk of just being a selfish brat: Umm, doesn't anyone else get that maybe if they would shut the hell up, I would KNOW what was going on?? Doesn't anyone else get that they said THEY wanted to watch this too...and now they're just being rude?? Doesn't anyone else see me sitting as close to the TV as possible so I can hear?? Doesn't anyone else hear me trying to " break into" this conversation so that I don't just sit there with a bad attitude all night? Doesn't anyone else get that I'm just trying to "join" what's going on, so that I don't give others the feeling that I'm being rude to them?? No. They don't even notice.

But if I get Mad, and I tell them how I feel, and I let them know that I'm mad...now I'm the one who's being rude to THEM... I'm the one with the bad attitude (they think)...I'm the one with the problem. It's ridiculous! And people wonder why those with autism are not very sociable! One minute people feel the need to remind me that I need to say something when something is wrong. The next minute, I'm trying to say that something is wrong, and I feel like I have to scream to do it because nobody hears me, and then people don't want to talk to me because they don't know what my problem is. Such is life, in an Autistic's world, I think. They say, don't sweat the small stuff. What if all you have is "the small stuff"? Amazing, when all you want to do us live your life, and others won't let you and then they think (I'm) the one with the problem. I know this is the kind of stuff that we are supposed to just laugh off...but I don't think it's funny, myself. If this were a Dear Abbey letter...I would sign it, "Frustrated."

It's Over Now, Just Move On...

Duh?? But I thought... I worry all the time about the way that I affect people, with what I do and say. It's just a fact. I also kick myself a lot for worrying too much. At my core, I would not dream of hurting someone or inconveniencing them. I want to make sure that everything that can be thought of, IS thought of. As a result, I over-correct a lot, and apologize too much. Sometimes I ask questions when (believe it or not, I don't need to) because there's no problem. Sometimes, in trying to make sure that everything is out in the open, I say too much. I'm only trying to do the right thing, but end up making too big a deal out of things, and sometimes make people uncomfortable. I can usually tell when I've crossed a line someplace, and then I agonize over that. Sometimes mistakes seem to get imprinted in my head for years after they've happened.

Even as a kid, I could tell, and so could others... that I was particularly sensitive. I really think that sometimes Aspies get tired of driving themselves crazy...but they don't know how to stop! :). As a result, I am equally afraid that I will drive others crazy that way. We tend to create what we fear right? To someone with an Aspie personality...this can be (not) a comforting thought. I remember clearly a video that shows what it feels like on a daily basis to have Asperger's syndrome. What I remember most was the constant dialogue in the gir's head. She was in a restaurant, and worried about... what to order, whether anyone else would order the same thing, whether they would leave the restaurant on time...all kinds of things that typically, you'd try to tell someone not to worry about, right? I know the feeling!

Now, in my head...I am a diva...with attitude. Knowing what I want, having something to say, I like to strike a pose when I enter a room and in the way I sit, and having many interesting words on my tongue. Hey, ladies if you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? But the truth is that someone can make one pretty insignificant comment to me, and I will worry till the end of time about WHY they said that? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? If I did, would they tell me? Now anyone who's uneasy will probably make someone else uneasy too, right? But I've also found that if it's difficult for me to forgive myself, it can be difficult for me to forgive others too, especially, if I am suspicious of them, or if I have a continuing dread that something could go wrong (which I often do). This makes me irritable. This makes me nervous. Sometimes I snap at people or get an attitude with them (yikes!)

Now, who wants to apologize for...who they are? Not me! :). But sometimes I feel like I should! Wow! But there's anther reason that this continuous stream of worry is "worrisome" to me. I want to be in a relationship with that special person someday (soon, I hope) :). But I tend to get too excited about things too quickly. I become obsessed with the possibility of meeting this person, and I want to make everything just perfect so that this can happen. The thing is, I'm supposed to be happy that I don't have to do a thing. This is the hardest thing in the WORLD for me to accept! Maybe I should not say that...but it's true. I don't know how to operate out of nothing. (It always happens when you're not looking for it. Back off so that he can come to you...that sorta thing.). I'm told that I'm supposed to be just soooo into myself that I'm not even lookin' for a guy, and they will find me. Well, I'm not that into myself...probably because I'm always worried about being TOO into myself, and then nobody likes me! :). But this does not mean that I don't think I'm a great person! :)

(Later)

I realized something as I was writing the above: Do I just not want to do anything about these things because then I can keep going on and on about them...and then I feel really important somehow? Yikes! May be that's why I seem to push things away, even though it may not look like that's what's going on.

Anyway, I'm not sure if any guy would want the job of giving me that much reassurance all the time. I mean, I know myself very well, but I tend to worry too much, as I said. I need to be reassured A LOT that everything's okay. What's worse is, I tend to need a lot of patience from others...that I don't often give back. Not purposely...there's no grudge or anything, but that's what happens when you have a one track mind, or you think you'll only have enough energy for what you want to do. Obviously, all of this needs work :). Patience doesn't tend to be a strong quality with me. I think it all depends on the situation. I just know that I apologize a lot for snapping and being irritable, and I'm always afraid that this is a strike against me, when it comes to relationships, romantic or otherwise. What would you do?

Yes, I Sleep with Stuffed Animals; What's it to ya?"

Duh?? But I thought...

I have a stuffed dog that I put next to me on the bed at night. Now, if we had a real dog, OF COURSE, he would be right there on the bed...next to my stuffed one. Anyway, I just make a joke about how "well behaved" my stuffed dog is, and leave it at that. My stuffed dog's name is Cooper, and he has a red bandanna around his neck. If he lands on the floor during the night, I pick him up and pat his head. It's like I'm apologizing, just in case he got hurt. Is this necessary? Of course not. It just makes me feel like I have a friend. Cooper reminds me of my friend who gave him to me. I like thinking of Joanie... how artistic and amazing she is. Oh yes, and the fleece material he's made of feels amazing against my face... Like a Teri-cloth bath robe but much softer! I like it very much. Do I sound like a child with a favorite toy? Good. That's what I was going for.

I have a quote on my Facebook page that says:

"I tried being an adult; I didn't do so well at it."

The quote is mine, I didn't borrow it from anywhere...and I hope that it is not nearly as immature as it sounds.

I think this is a battle that Autistic adults face quite often. That is, balancing the child-likeness of their heart, with an intellect often more grown up than many people twice their age, and a mind that often does not allow them to rest because some huge idea is causing overload, like too big a file on a hard drive. I may appear child-like... but this "child" has a college degree and has traveled outside the country. Perhaps this does not sound like much to some, but considering that sometimes I have to psych myself up just to leave my house...it's a big deal.

I think this can be a hard thing to talk about, period, because the assumption can be that someone thinks of us as weak, or unable to take care of ourselves. Please know that this is NOT my intention in writing this. For guys, this can be a different issue altogether, whether autistic or not. I once heard the female autistic personality described as a "blank slate.". I know not whether autistic males have this same issue, but I personally was rather annoyed with that description. Whatever we may emulate to "build" our personalities, we still have our own distinct personalities... whether we are children or adults.

The really odd thing is that as a child, I got along much better with adults, liked adult conversation, and was interested in adult things. At eight years old, I was interested in (drum roll please)... Greta Garbo and Buddy Holly. One, an actress from the early days of motion picture and the other, one of the pioneers of rock and roll.(He died way too young. He was twenty two. February 3d, 1963, Clear Lake Iowa...plane crash.). I guarantee you, nobody else in the third grade knew anything about that! Even if they did... why would they care? This can be the hard part, right? The "who would care" part.

So, let's see... anxiety, a fondness for childlike things, and an inclination to go on and on about... Myself! Yep...all autistic traits! Now I think I should say that I have never been diagnosed by a doctor as having Autism. I'm only self-diagnosed...I'm reading that MANY are self-diagnosed. Growing up, neither I nor my family knew anything about Autism, certainly not that it could be "high functioning.". In my particular case, I have a separate disability, and any quirks or idiosyncrasies I had were attributed to that.

However, in any case, how does a person balance a childlike heart with... the need to be an adult. Well, if I could write a manual, I would. (Hey, there could be book there!). But I'll just say it: You have to have courage. Nobody wants to stick out like a sore thumb...I get that. So I look at it this way: Be a breath of fresh air to someone else, and ware that like a "badge" of courage. Your different interests, colorful way with words, or obsession with something they've never seen before can be just the inspiration they need! This may seem over simplified, and perhaps it is... it's just a "shift" in thinking that I try to use when something negative has happened to me.

I figure if I can set my own pace, and someone is intrigued by me, they can slow down a while and we can talk. (I'll try to remember to give them a turn). (LOL). I believe that it also helps a great deal to be forgiving and patient with those who do not understand us. This might also seem like it is overly simplistic, but in my view, this can help us take a lot of pressure off. It saves a lot of angst and stress for us being misunderstood and helps the one misunderstanding us to know that we are more "down to earth" than they thought. Awesome!

For a long time, the only image we seemed to have of Autism was Rain Man. This is an image that I think has really been changing in recent years. But I think a much better example of what it can FEEL like to be autistic is Raymond's (Rain Man's) brother, rather than Ray himself. All Ray needs to feel okay, is to recite "Who's on First" over and over. This helps him get his energy out...simple. His brother (who's name I don't remember), however, needs a perfect image to be okay. Any " cracks" in this perfect image are unacceptable. A babbling, disabled brother who needs his help certainly is not something that makes him look perfect. As a result, Ray is treated cruelly and insulted and not given the same kind of attention that the NT individuals around him received. We've all been there, right?

But my point is that sometimes we can truly try to "prove" (as Autistics") that we can behave the same way as nuero-typicals, with the hope of bringing about different treatment from others, when the reality of it is that WE have the upper hand. Why do we have the upper hand? Because we are the "breath of fresh air.". We are (or can be) the difference in someone's thinking. We can be an epiphany that someone has never had before... That wonderful moment when someone has the "same" conversation they've had a million times, but they realize they've never heard that word or phrase, for example.

Today, at 35, one of the things I brag about is that I'm reading the story of Opal Whiteley. She was said to supposedly have autism, and between the ages of four and seven, she kept a journal using scraps of paper, crayons, the ability to speak more than one language, and an advanced vocabulary not familiar to most adults. Her favorite things to do were to talk to the farm animals and take nature walks. It's kinda sorta like a "Charlotte's Web," when you consider that the animals all had identities. But Opal was a real person. She even had pet pig. Grown up story? No, because Opal liked her own world better than the one around her. Typical? Nope. Interesting? Depends on who's reading it, and to this "adult," it absolutely is!!

So to every autistic adult who has ever worn themselves out trying to "keep up" with a world they don't seem to fit into... this is probably why we have the ability to disappear into worlds of our own. So, when you have a Star Wars marathon, put up a tent (in your bedroom), play with light sabers, buy animal crackers, chase bubbles, splash in rain puddles, watch cartoons for hours, hug Teddy bears, talk in foreign accents, spend too much money on a Halloween costume, or have many costumes that are NOT Halloween costumes; Congratulations to you. You are an amazing adult "child.". You have braved the neuro-typical world and behaved your way through it. Now... be yourself, to the best of your ability. I wouldn't worry about those who might have a problem with it, because you will be somebody else's "breath of fresh air."

PS... "Who's on First"!!! If you've never listened to it...please do so... and. LAUGH...LOUDLY!! :)

For all Intense Purposes...

Duh?? But I thought... I just read a blog entry from someone who stated that they have lost contact with a lot of his friends over the years. This struck a chord with me, because I've always seemed to have good friend's in my life for certain periods of time... but there always seems to be cut off point. I'm not sure why this is. I always would wonder why I did that ( or why certain people just seemed not to be in my life anymore.

Others around me seemed to keep regular, consistent contact with the same people...over periods of years. So have I in some cases, but there always seemed to be (as I said) a point where we would disappear from each other's lives. There would seem to be a certain internal pressure that I would feel, and I would think it necessary to "get away" and re-discover myself. Hmmm.. odd for someone so loyal. Ask my family or anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I am a very loyal person. I would walk through fire for anyone that I think well of. I may not SEE that person for ten years (literally) but I will always walk through fire for them, and remember what we spoke about ten years before, when I had seen them, and it can be at times like walking into the same conversation again.

That's another unusual "quirk" of mine: reappearances in people's lives. All of the sudden, I'm back, and those "close" to me are going: "Where have you BEEN??". Example: I went to the same church from age 18 till my early thirties. But I took a "hiatus" more than once while attending there. The longest one was 2 years (yikes!) so did I really go to the same church consistently? Anyway, one of those transitions was two years long. At the time, nothing bitter had happened with anyone, but even so, I just seemed to disappear. I really do think I got bored. So I changed... I transitioned, holding everybody I knew there close to me...but the thing is, how did they know that? I was. INTO other things, and seemed to "abandon" everything prior to that. I've wondered at times how many feelings I've hurt by disappearing from someone's life. I then would feel terrible for possibly upsetting people, and end up "keeping my distance" because of embarrassment.

It's just that I sometimes feel as though my life becomes too enmeshed in the lives of others. I tend to "emulate" what I see in others because I'm unsure what to do in the first place (about certain situations). Sometimes I end up forming unhealthy attachments or obsessions with one person, or a group of people. I keep these very guarded and work diligently to make sure they are kept under control. I never want to creep anyone out because I know that's not what I would want. The strange thing is that when I form such an attachment to anyone, it's because I'm beaming with pride, or joy or love because I think that person is very smart, or creative, or insightful about something. Maybe, I adore the way they dress or ware their hair. It could be any number of things. But who wants to feel like someone is driving them crazy? Who wants to feel like someone just can't back off... how awful! Anyway, I go through periods where I feel as though I need to sorta save people from myself. Sometimes I don't know how to "turn around" an attachment I've formed, and I'm afraid of it only becoming worse.

Sometimes my own feelings of endearment to a person seem to drown me. They are just too heavy... too intense. It might sound crazy, but sometimes I need to get away from others just to keep my mind clear and stay in one piece. It can be hard for me to separate opportunities given in the present with opportunities lost in the past, move the emotions outta the way and keep contact with certain people. Sometimes the ongoing contact (however appropriate it might seem), is like pouring salt into a wound (ouch!) and I need to step back. I've often worried about how my "need" for separation will affect the relationship with the one true love of my life (whom I've not yet met). Endearment, loyalty, a strong connection to each other...I have no doubt that we will have all of these things. But what happens when one or both of us needs to step back? What happens when something really painful enters our life, and there is that intense feeling that I liken to being "hit by a truck" for awhile followed by an equally intense need to start over again with something new and different. NOT with a new person!... no way! Of course not. My intense loyalty is here to stay, but sometimes people make stupid mistakes...especially when they are not thinking clearly. Know what I mean? Goodness...what a conundrum! I just hope I'm always smart enough to know what to hold onto.

The Conundrum...

Duh?? But I thought...

I have no way to get from point A to point B. This drives me crazy... Literally. I don't drive. I HATE THAT I DON't drive, it makes me nuts! I just don't know that I should be. Driving scares me to death. Plain and simple. I don't feel that it's normal that driving scares me to death... but it does. It's like my brain doesn't work that fast.

I remember, it was a big deal, way back when I was 12 years old, and I learned to walk to and from school by myself. I remember I was scared to do that too, but I dealt with it. The first time I did it, I became disoriented, and had to turn around and go home. I got to my front door and I was crying because I was embarrass that I couldn't make it all the way there. My mother met me at the door.

"It's okay, honey, I'll drive you. Don't worry you,ll get it!"

Yes, she drove me that morning, and needless to say, I learned my way there and back. In high school, I began learning how to use the bus system where I live, and took the bus everyday to school and back. As I got older, I learned how to take the bus other places, but still felt somehow like my independence was not enough. I would feel so ridiculous because I had friend's who would talk about being able to try and drive when they were twelve...

TWELVE?? This was out of the question for me, someone who was afraid to walk anywhere by herself at that age. In the south, where I have family, it's the norm to start teaching kids to drive at 12 and 13. (they have the backroads to do it. Nod course, we do too where I live in CA; but there was always some excuse as to why it could not be done... and that excuse was insurance, and of course, the cops. Mom said that her insurance would not cover me to drive her car, and besides if a cop pulled us over... what then? As someone in my 30,s now, it makes perfect sense, but back then, all I knew was that most of my friend's were able to learn to drive. I don't know if THEY were on their parents insurance, or what, and then when the time came, someone bought them a car (usually). I did not have this luxury, so I felt stuck.

All through High school I was so frustrated with myself, because I was so petrified of driving. Why? Why was I so afraid to what just seemed to come normally to everyone else around me... even people I knew who had more severe disabilities than I did. I had friend's in wheelchairs who drove. In college, my ASL teacher drove... she was deaf! (ASL means American Sign Language, BTW).
Now, once I was in high school, (I'm going backwards again). I took both drives Ed and behind the wheel driver training (when I was able to get the money somewhere. It was so exciting because I was proud of myself that I got in the car and tried... and SUCCEEDED, BTW.

But I just could not shake the fear and anxiety. I was constantly scared of being hit by another car, or hitting another car. I was scared of hitting and killing a pedestrian. The whole thing just seemed to precarious to me. Too many loud noises, and quick decisions. And, I also encountered an unexpected problem: I could not keep the car in the right place on the road. I would stare at things too long, and start veering and drifting, but the scary thing was that I would not realize I did this, until my instructor would reach over and turn the wheel back in his direction.

"Can you not see that you're doing that?". He would ask. I really couldn't. Until it was almost too late. This freaked me out. Why was that happening to me?? If I was on a main road, at least, I could follow the lane I was supposed to be in...but would still drift over. If I were on a residential street...forget it! There were no lines or marks on the road to tell me where the car should go, and I found myself unable to visualize IF a car is coming from the other way... IF I'm turning, am I turning into the correct lane? Nope, usually, I was turning right in the path of where the car coming the opposite direction should be.

All this, and I had to read street signs, watch for things and people darting into the road...all split second decisions! It was like my brain, literally could not keep up. What a mess. According to most driver training instructors, I should have been ready within about 3 days to go and get my license. All I could think was, "That's a laugh...it takes everything I have just to get in the car and try!"

I even found a driving instructor who specialized in working with disabled adults! This experience had it's positive highlights, but most of the time he just got upset at me because he thought I wasn't listening to him. It's not that I was not listening to him. I don't think I could really process what he was saying because I was always a couple instructions behind what he was saying. There were times that I really didn't do so bad, but part of me would just feel exhausted. I felt like the hour in the car with the instructor was about all I could handle. Besides, what would I do when the instructor was not there anymore?

Okay, I deliberately waited till the end to mention my disabilitie(s). At birth, I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, which turned out to be mild. The truth is that for most of my life, I haven't even known anything about Autism. I only started learning about that last year. The more I researched it, the more I saw that my symptoms matched up what I was reading. This was the first time I realized that Autism can be extremely distracting! Bright lights, loud noises sudden changes... stupid people who don't look or signal! :). And on top of that...hearing things around me, but not always being sure which direction they are coming from. The irony is, I can hear quite well, I have a very musical ear... but when there are a lot of other noises around me... my perception is off.

Not only that, I have trouble telling others how to get from point A to point B because it's like I can't construct it in my mind. I understand landmarks and main streets and where to get off the bus. I'm not the right person to take a trip through "backroads" with. No I DO NOT know whether we can get (there) from (here). I don't even know if I can get (there) from (here) the normal way., because MY normal way is not driving. Today, I'm in my mid thirties, and still do not drive. I actually feel safer that I don't...I think it's just better that way (for me, and probably everybody everyone else on the road) :). But I'm also a single woman, as in not-married-to-an-empathetic-husband-who-understands-that- I-probably-should -not-be-driving.

Now, I think I should add that I have a lot to be proud of, because I've lived away from home, once with a room ate who also didn't drive, and once on my own. I took the bus everywhere and had a community of friend's who knew that I don't drive, and they would help out (if it were night time or something). A dear friend of mine once said to me that I should not forget that all of this is independence too. I agree with her, but I still dread thinking that others will think I'm "less than" because I do not drive. I would imagine, this is probably because I struggle with feeling that way about myself. I've actually been afraid that guys would not want to marry me because I did not drive. Would he look at me as some sort of a "weak link" or something?

This seems complicated when you come from a family of very independent women who seem to just handle everything. Add to that the fact that all your friends your age are driving kids all over the place, and taking care of other adults who don't drive (me included). Something this simple can make it hard sometimes find common ground with people. It's weird sometimes... I'm not afraid of taking trains or planes... I actually spent a semester in England back in 2004 and ironically, found it much easier to live THERE than here. British people don't find it at all unusual if someone does not have a car...in fact, they ENCOURAGE people not to have them! (They don't have the room for all the traffic). Gee, maybe I should live there (??)

Anyway, a person is so much more than whether they drive a car, but, I wonder if that's much easier to say... when you actually do. No kidding, I feel the need to prove myself to people in every other way because I don't drive. I'm just so afraid they'll put me down or not like me. It's like something is "broken" and I can't fix it. I always wonder if anyone else my age goes through this.

The Flip Side...

Duh?? But I thought... In my quest to find out about Autism, I have heard and read an awful lot about Dr. Andrew Wakefield. I saw Anderson Cooper become quite incensed with him on 360, I 've read posts on many pages that say that what he's doing is ridiculous and cruel, I've read about all the effort that's been taken to prove that his claims are false.

Okay, now let me say two things... Number one, I am not a doctor. Number two, I am only self diagnosed. I have a sincere belief that I have Autism myself and have been researching it like crazy, but I do not have an official medical diagnosis. Now, as I understand it, autism means "One" or "self". The Autistic's brain is "wired" differently than a neuro-typical's. No better or worse... Just different. So, I think the next logical question would be: "What causes these differences?". Right? Many people want to know the answer to this right?

I know this is a hard thing for people to discuss because it seems that their very character is being attacked and Misjudged. The fact that a person's brain processes information in a different way does not mean that this person is sick and needs to be cured. How can anyone speak about 'curing" a person's imagination, or abilities, or creativity? I get that. The thing I don't get, are all the physical limitations and symptoms that come with it, which must be treated somehow, either with medication or counseling or, life coaching, or physical therapy,even. Many of these symptoms and characteristics, I have. Some of them physical, some of them emotional and psychological.

People with Autism can have stemming, flat feet, poor muscle tone, unusual eye movements, gastro intestinal problems, sensory disturbances, anxiety, compulsive behavior, nervousness, Meltdowns, difficulty focusing, concentrating, and a whole other list of issues that can occur as the result of the one's already listed there, such as, say, teeth grinding and migraine headaches. Wow! You guys, I'm exhausted just thinking about all that, and thinking "somebody help!". Add to this, the fact that many times, Autistics are delayed in reaching life's milestones, they often have great difficulty holding down a job or moving away from home, and forming romantic and social relationships. Yikes!

Now, I'm confused because frankly, that seems like a lot of "sickness" for something that cannot be "cured.". I realize that not everything I listed there is a sickness, but on the other hand, a lot of it is...right? So, we devote our lives to treating the 'disabling" symptoms but don't want to believe that there is anything we can do about the (apparent) source??? Forgive me if I'm pissing you off, I apologize, but I don't understand. I've heard so many parents talk about how "heartbreaking" the diagnosis was for them because you don't want to see your child suffer and struggle. Listen, I love the fact, that I have "foreign accent syndrome" and that Most of my friends as a kid were imaginary, and that I still sleep with stuffed animals, and that I still pretend that my life is one big movie with hidden cameras. That's a big way that I deal with weakness in my life. I pretend that I am an actor portraying myself and that any weakness or loss of control in the character's life is there because I (the actor) am portraying the character that way, and this is all part of an academy award wining performance. Would I want to "fix" or "cure" any of that? Nope...certainly not! I'm too proud of it... and why not, I should be, right?

But what about the flip side? What about the debilitating difficulties? What about the fear that says a person will never be normal? Now, NOT being normal is not a bad thing, but lets face it...every Autistic person has that fear... and that freaking "sense of danger, or possible danger.". I've read about this over and over, and I also experience it everyday. Do I want to get rid of it? You bet your ass I want to get rid of that!! I for one, am tired of feeling like I live my life inside this clear "bubble" that allows me to see everything and "roll" through everything that happens in my life...but in the end, I always need a "push" from mommy, or somebody to keep me moving through because I can't actually get out of the "bubble.". I can say what I want, and see it, and know exactly how I want something to be in my mind, but I never seem to actually be able to get out of the perpetual "cacoon" around me. My life seems always lived with some sort of "go between", as in someone more capable than I who is on the outside of the cacoon, helping me carry out the endeavors of my day (and often in ways I'm not satisfied with). But on the other hand, anything that I can bring (into) the "bubble" keeps me busy... good, I feel productive. Here's the thing, there's only room for one thing, maybe two, inside the bubble... and I can't keep rolling because I need to concentrate (!!!)

So everyone outside the bubble, wishes they could get in, and often they are irritated because I don't come out. Listen guys, I can't help the fact that I live in damn "bubble"... but it's there and I've had to learn to 'adapt to it. I can come out of it once in a while for a bit. But I always begin to feel the affects, the fear, the nausea, the feeling that I'm sliding or falling, and I can't stop myself (in my head). I end up running back to the very "bubble" I hate because it's the only thing that "protects me" from all the noise out there. (Yikes!!!). Now, that being said, and keeping in mind that we are not attacking anyone's character here, is it any wonder that there would be some people out there who sincerely believe that the "cause" of all this chaos is out there somewhere? And if there is a cause to all of this...might there be a cure? I'm asking could there be a way to "cure" the bad stuff, while allowing someone to keep all those. AWESOME, positive characteristics that seem to come with being Autistic?

I have a different theory: I think the awesome characteristics are already in a person... but the Autism both enhances them and... Tries to smother them at the same time. I think it's this "smothering" that the autistic person is continually wrestling with, or trying to prevent, or change. It's exhausting! Let's face it; it's exhausting... for kids, for adults, for their parents and family trying to help them. All of this, brings me back to doctor Andrew Wakefield. Do vaccines "cause" Autism? I have no idea. I DO know that NO vaccine could ever CAUSE the wonderful awesomeness that Autistic people possess. But what about the FLIP side of it? My final point of confusion comes in all the stories I've heard (not directly, but on the net), from parents who say they "lost" their children. Somewhere around the tender age of eighteen months or so, parents say that any cognitive ability their child had suddenly disappeared. Children (such as Elizabeth Bonker) for example, suddenly did not recognize their parents, and stopped responding to their own name.

Now, I can't say whether a vaccine caused these delays or not, I am no doctor. But it has been repeatedly documented that Autistic people's brains process information differently than neuro typicals. (right?). So could it be POSSIBLE that certain vaccines given to an infant can damage the way an autistic person already processes things, thus causing that FLIP side (the negatives) that make Autism such a puzzle? (Pun intended). Andrew Wakefield seems to think so... and he has boldly claimed that he has evidence. If he's wrong about all that, why does he have to be treated like such a freak? I mean aren't we supposed to be allowed to express what we believe about things...even if it turns out to be wrong. This does not make those who are Autistic any less awesome. But let's face it... those with Autism often have a. HARDER time (because of that FLIP side). And say Dr. Wakefield is right... doesn't that then mean that the FLIP side of Autism could be prevented? I mean what if someone changed what is put into vaccines, or stopped putting it in altogether...could this at least HELP the FLIP side of Autism? (Not the AWESOME side...leave that alone...just the FLIP side)? I mean, why would this be so bad? The truth is there are a lot of parents and physicians who do believe that Autism is Preventable and curable. I truly believe that it is only the FLIP side I mentioned that they want to "cure"... not the AWESOME side. They don't want to get rid of the awesomeness of personality and character, they wanna make that even better by preventing the FLIP side of Autism.

Perhaps we need to decide to start showing the one thing that it is said Autistics lack...empathy. Andrew Wakefield's beliefs may not be shared by many, and his "passion" may even be misdirected... but it is still that... passion. Now, it's an angry passion...but sometimes our passions make us angry, don't they? Remember when you saw someone bullied, or you WERE the one who was bullied? It lit a fire of anger in you, yes? (And rightfully so, BTW). Both Andrew Wakefield, and Jenny McCarthy (yes, I know, I have not mentioned her until just now); but they both seem to believe that our government needs to stop requiring certain vaccines because they (supposedly) are contributing to making kids sick, rather than healthy. If they believe so strongly that the FLIP side of Autism is caused by sickness, would it not make sense that they also believe that this "sickness" can be cred or prevented? Now I am not saying whether either of them are right or wrong. The point I'm making is that it breaks my heart to see these two bashed so much, particularly by the Autistic community, for seeming to be persistent in saying; "That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.". Can we choose to believe that rather than ruining the awesomeness of an Autistic character, they only want to try and fix the FLIP side? I mean, if anybody knows anything about persistently standing up for what you believe, no matter who you piss off, it's an Autistic individual who only wants to be heard.

Again, I have no idea whether they are right or not. If curing Autism would mean that I could no longer be the awesome woman I am now, no, I would not want a "cure" for that. But I won't lie... I think the FLIP side can just take a hike... it sucks!! I say, if there is anything that will cure THAT...let me know :). Thanks!!

Autism in Love

Duh?? But I thought...

I've heard it said that the word "autism" means one, or self. But those who are on the autism spectrum desire romantic relationships just as much as we all do...sometimes even more. Independent film makers Matt Fuller and Carolina Groppa have been putting together a documentary fim called "Autism in Love.". This film follows the lives of real people on the autism spectrum as they experience the ups and down's of love and wanting to be in love. However, they need our help if this film is to be completed. Please take moment to watch the sizzle reel and donate if you can. Thanks!

Go to "Autism in Love" on Facebook and Twitter

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/autisminlove/autism-in-love-0

Strength in Weakness (Part Two)

Duh?? But I thought... I don't know whether it's more socially acceptable for men or women to find strength in their weaknesses. My instinct tells me it's more acceptable for women. I know that men and women handle their weaknesses and strengths in different ways. I would say that men want to avoid showing any vulnerabilities at all costs, but I do not believe this is true. Some of the most sensitive, likable people I know are men. This is a wonderful thing that makes men amazing protectors, but society often treats these qualities as... Weaknesses that must be avoided at all costs. We live in a society that seems to be trying to teach women to act like men, and men to act like women.

Just watch any movie, television show or commercial. Women are portrayed as the do it all, in control, 24 hrs. A day ones, while men are portrayed as the weak, stumbling idiots who don't know where anything is, and can't do anything without the know it all women in their lives. These women belittle their men and gang up on them for not understanding some innuendo they shared amongst their girlfriends. Another very puzzling thing to me, is all the reality shows and talk shows dealing with engaged couples. I always wind up sitting there wondering WHY these men WANT to marry these women. They're controlling, demanding, belittling, they tear down their man's character in front of others. Where is the "reward" for marrying them?? I think showing weakness is acceptable for ladies (because they are the one's already handling everything anyway, but when men show weakness, it is acceptable and completely politically correct to make them feel as stupid and akward as possible.

Now, do I agree with all this sad stuff? Absolutely not...it makes me want to cry! I agree that it happens, but I don't agree that it SHOULD happen. According to author Shaunti Feldham, a man lives every day with a deep fear that they will be found to be an imposter in their own lives... that everyone around them will suddenly discover that they are not for real. As our providers and protectors, our men get out into the rink everyday to slay the dragons of life so that we will see that their accomplishment benefits us as well as them. Relationships are frightening. Failure is frightening. Rejection is frightening. Even as I write this, I know that what I write of is a burden I cannot understand. Add to this, the complication that it is socially accepted that men are no more than insensitive, uncaring unkind "clods". Not fair. Not fair.

So, in all of this, where is there room for mistakes, or vulnerability? We women are supposed to be a guy's soft place to fall. Hopefully, he has a mother, a sister, a girlfriend, or a wife that he is able to feel safe opening up to. Hopefully, he always knows, that no matter what kind of a day he's having, she will always love and respect him. I believe the church can play a huge part in this as well, offering fellowship, counsel, prayer and accountability. Hopefully, men have a strong, ethical male influence in their life, be it their dad, or grandfather, a brother, friend, or mentor.

But how can a woman be a man's soft place to fall when she's so busy handling everything around her? We have the power of choice yes... but is it possible that this power only makes it more difficult to be ourselves? Anyway, how is a woman able to be soft, and vulnerable and respectful and accepting of a man's need to provide and protect, when she has had to take over all these things herself? Many women are single parents, for example, faced with a task never really designed to be theirs... that of being both mom and dad. This task is possible, but unbelievably difficult and tiring! Women often become "able" to do this task out of necessity, but when this woman has no support, how does she learn to yield to it, or be accepting of it, should it come her way? And where does this leave a guy? With our society screaming that it's so pollitically correct to let women handle everything, are guys left to just hang around... sort of like spectators in their own lives? It is not easy for a man to willingly lay down his life in order to be everything for her. How much harder is it, when he is not able to find where he fits in the life they've made? What does a man do when the one job he is made for is stripped away from him, while the woman in his life is frustrated and angry because he's unwilling to help her with anything?

Such a "catch 22" as they say! So where in the world is there room for weakness and vulnerability in that?? Well, guess what folks? There is going to be a part three to this, because, for now, I need to take a break! I would just say, ladies, he needs respect. Guys, she needs sensitivity and protection. :)