The Autism Bandwagon...

More and more, I've been seeing two things: people blaming Autism for the shooting in Newtown, and people angry because someone is blaming Autism for the shooting in Newtown. Personally, I believe it's like Ronald Reaggan said: " we must not make society responsible for the act of one individual.". This is a paraphrase, of course.

People are angry, and people are scrambling for answers. One of the scariest things is when we're listening to news all day and they are reporting what is coming in over the wires as it's being sent out. These are all pieces of information that the public must now sort through... and so many unconfirmed news reports are given as though they are facts.

Just because the media happens to report that this young man had Autism, does not mean that having Autism is what caused him to commit this horrible crimes. The thing is... The media itself isn't even sure of it's story yet... They're just reading from scripts and teleprompters, and cue cards, and updates that come in over wires, as the news is going on. They have earpieces in, in case someone needs to tell them how to pronounce something or whether they need to switch over to something else. The point being that everything is quite carefully put together for TV. The bits of information given out are usually worded and edited a certain way so that the news will have a certain angle (often depending on audience and ratings.). I believe that since the Connecticut shooting, the angle of Autism has been very heavily relied upon, and presented as a POSSIBLE reason why these brutal killings took place.

The problem is that this POSSIBLE factor becomes over stated so many times, that the public has it fed in to their subconscious minds as being the FACTUAL reason... Not just a possibility in a labyrinth of unanswered questions. Now truthfully, I don't even believe that Autism is a POSSIBLE reason he could've committed these murders. I believe that uncontrolled rage and anger caused this boy to commit these murders, pure and simple. But the real truth is this: The reasons that this boy committed these murders to begin with are NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I am not related to these families, nor am I connected to them in any way, therefore, in my personal opinion, I have no business even speculating on how this possibly could have happened. I am happy to be able to offer my prayers and express empathy, but beyond that, my personal opinion and speculation are inappropriate.

These are very private matters that the family needs to be able to work through on their own. I say, God be with them as the entire world guesses what could've caused this. I think we must remember that the media takes whatever is there and reports it, regardless of how connected with a story it actually is. It's like all they can really do, is duck out of the way and go..."Did you see that?". Doesn't mean it's FACT. It just means, this is all I have right at this moment, so there it is.

The fact is, we don't know why this young man did this. Another fact is, we cannot ask his mother what really happened because she's dead. But I think nothing frightens us more than the unknown... so as long as we don't know... we turn the news on to try and find out, right? It's more of the same speculation, over and over. People who desperately feel for these individuals want some kind of emotional connection with them right? I know I have. So, it begins to be suggested, why this possibly could've happened. News stories need angles, because they need audiences, right? (Otherwise, what's the point, right?).

Let's face it, the angle of Autism is a huge one because, understandably, it really affects people emotionally. In this case, this is very unfortunate, because Autism is being labeled as the culprit... The reason that this boy did this. So it outrages people, and they feel the need to defend what they believe ( whether it's true or not, and WHY it is or it isn't.). Now, this is not a bad thing. We should say how we feel about things; but in the middle of all this speculation, how many arguments start? How many toes are stepped on? How many feelings are hurt and how many people are unecessarily viianized because they happen to match what the media seems to be portraying? Autistic children, for example. Are they dangerous simply because they are Autistic? Of course not! But with Adam Lanza's Autism being labeled as a factor in these murders, we are frozen by fear again, and wondering how to prevent what's bad, rather Then embracing what's good.

I would challenge people to remember that the word Autism simply means "self". It does not mean dangerous or threatening.

I Understand

If mobility is a challenge for someone, they will probably have trouble meeting someone... That's just the way it is. There are all kinds of wonderful meetings and groups out there, but if a person can't get to them, it's hard for them to be motivated or meet people. The thing is... This can really sour the attitude and turn someone into a person that is not easy to be around.

Today's entry is for those who are really hurting because life's circumstances have worn you down... And you're not sure what to do about it. Maybe you don't drive, and it's hard for you to get anywhere. Maybe you live in an area where the nearest bus stop... Isn't near you. Maybe, for this reason, it's very challenging for you to be sociable. Maybe you don't mind asking people for rides, but it's a tricky thing because others are always busy with their jobs and their spouses and their kids (you know, those things you wish you had, but you can't get out and meet someone). I understand.

Maybe you feel frustrated because you can't really talk to anyone about it because they think you're just feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe they go on and on and on because they think you're supposed to be so happy that you're single. Maybe, you're actually glad that you don't have much to do in a day, because it lessens your anxiety.... But at times the boredom and the loneliness just make you wanna come out of your own skin. Maybe, the feeling of disconnect drives you crazy. You just wanna be a part of something going on out there but it's incredibly difficult to get out there. I understand.

Maybe sometimes you wonder if you could stay in bed forever. Maybe, you're fighting this... Nobody was ever REALLY made for it but the idea is looking more and more attractive all the time. Maybe, yo've been blessed with a little bit of money, but not quite enough to do anything really significant with it. Try as might to save, and have some extra, you're still living month to month to month. Maybe you're constantly thinking "What do I do now?". Maybe you can't say this out loud because it just brings people down. Maybe, you live alone and just need someone to talk to. Maybe you've found an outlet in social media, and someone has chastened you for it, because they say THAT'S THE REASON you never go out and do anything. Maybe social media makes you sick now because you're tired of watching most other people's lives get better than yours... With all the the trips they are on and stuff. The new jobs, the promotions, the stupid, pink hearts saying that SOMEBODY ELSE is in a relationship.... and all you want is half a chance! Oh, my friend! I put my arms around you and give you big hugs because I understand!

I wish there were people permanently employed to pick people up and spend the day with them. You need to go to the grocery store?...the mall?... The park? Sure! You have a meeting you need to get to? No problem! Maybe you have a job and you need a mode of transportation more reliable than the city bus. Maybe the same goes for church on Sundays. Maybe you went to a church that you loved for years, but you and someone there had a falling out. Maybe, you love that person, but you're simply not sure how to deal with what happened. Maybe, because you have mobility issues, it's not that easy for you to just go out and find another one. Maybe, the same thing goes for a Bible Study. Gee, would't that be nice?? Maybe, you just need somebody to empathize and say I understand... I do, my friend...I do. Maybe, it's gotten to where other people's confidence can even irritate you. You're happy for them, but wonder where they get it from... Can I have that myself? Maybe, you used to... But now you just wonder where it all went. Maybe, at times, you feel awful because a person this age shouldn't have this much inactivity in your life. Oh, my friend...I SO understand!!

Maybe you graduated college fairly recently, and you think that at least while you were still in school you had something to do! I understand my friend! Maybe you wanted to continue on in school, but ran out of money, and because you weren't working... Well, you get the idea. Boy, do I understand!! Maybe you had a pretty good volunteer position somewhere that you were praying would turn into a paying job. Oh, they kept hiring people, alright...but not you. Big hugs my friend...I understand where you're coming from. Maybe, you know, you have things to offer... You just wish you could let someone else know it. Big hugs to you my friend! I get it. I empathize with you and send you my prayers.

Maybe a root of bitterness has taken over your sweetness, and it just makes you wanna cry. Maybe, you don't even know how you got there, but you just wanna plead with people that this isn't the real you. Maybe you wanna tell people that you remember a time when you were happy. Sometimes you see little glimmers of it, but you still wonder where it went. I understand. My arms are around you, giving you big hugs. I tell you that sometimes, worrying about always saying the right thing is really over rated. Duh!

Be Careful

I'd friended someone on Facebook because this person seemed to know a lot abbot something I found useful. One night, suddenly, he began conversing with me rather casually, like he'd known me his whole life. I didn't sense that he had any bad intentions, but I think that is exactly what made me nervous. Being that this person is an Aspie, the rather informal conversation didn't really surprise me... But I was still creeped out. I decided to be sensitive and give him a chance. He'd read my recent blog entry, which was fine. But looking back, I realize that he was very non specific about the things that he was asking me about. I'm deliberately not being specific right now, because the actual conversation doesn't need to be disclosed, and my purpose of this is not to tattle (as it were) on anyone. I found myself thinking "Don't you know that I be barely know you?". But I realized that this is part of that personal space that Aspies often are unaware that we need. I found it more creepy, when he told me (in one short sentence) that he had moved where I live. (Yikes!). My very first thought was "Why are you telling me that?"

Was he innocently trying to begin conversation with me, or was he some creepy stalker? I didn't want to say anymore, so I got off Facebook, and soon forgot the incident. Nothing major happened for a long time. Recently, I saw that this person had added me to the group I was interested in (fine). In fact, I was excited, now other people could respond to things I had to say, and I could learn some cool stuff. So, he welcomed me to the group blah, blah blah... Yeah, okay cool. Then I noticed he'd responded to a couple things on my page, which in itself, isn't bad... But he'd never done that before. So, the following day, There's this post that's one line, that says: "Message me when you get this." (Or something like that.). He'd also left me a message saying the same thing. And the message he sent me said something about "Hope I didn't creep you out," or something to that affect. Now I had NO IDEA what he meant (???). Why would he creep me out? Why would he THINK he'd creeped me out? So, I messaged him, and simply asked him, WHAT was so important? Why did he want me to message him so badly?

Now, I have to admit, I thought (I had thought for a long time) that it was possible that this guy may have begun to like me. I figured maybe his extreme excitement coupled with a lack of social skills might've caused him to panic, and that might've made him overbearing in his approach. I figured THEN he was probably worried about whether he'd said too much. I thought that THIS was where the sentence about being "creeped out" came from. But I was wrong. He asked me AGAIN whether or not I would call him. I asked him straight up: "Are you trying to ask me out because I'm really confused.". If he'd said "Yes," then it all would have made sense. But he didn't. He said "No," with a sad face.

I was totally dumbfounded... And angry! What the hell was going on here?? Again, I leveled with him. I told him that I did not know him' and that if I couldn't even know why I should call him, that made me nervous. (to me, it was like "Duh!". But this guy didn't get that.). I gave him one last chance: "Why can't you just tell me what this is about?" I asked. He then proceeded to go into a story about a relative... a story that needed to involve the police... Not me (!!). I told him as much, too. No severe danger or anything like that, just a matter that needed to be settled with the people involved, and perhaps the police... But certainly not some girl you've never met before! All of the sudden, I felt like I needed to be this guy's parent. I told him that this was highly inappropriate and that he had officially creeped me out. I said, you don't message people you've never met and tell them things like that. I said I don't even know your first name. Now, it was obvious at this point, that I was unfriending him, and leaving that group! But somehow, I needed to tell him that what he did was wrong (!!!). He could sense it, too. He apologized several times. Then he said the most dangerous thing of all... He said that I was the only person he knew there and that he wasn't very familiar with the area.

Needless to say, I left that group and immediately unfriended this person.


Now, this has me thinking a lot about boundaries. I could see so clearly that this guy did not have a "guard" in place that let him know that it wasn't good to be telling me all those things. Did not surprise me. The last thing he said to me before I cut him off was that we are both Aspies, and you know how they ramble on. Yes I do. But you can ramble on to someone without scaring them to death! Anyway, this made me think of some things to keep in mind.

When we learned to drive, we're taught that we need to drive defensively...in other words, never take for granted that other people know what you're thinking. Aspie's romanticize a lot, and sometimes they "role play" or imagine what they would want to say if a person were really there. They then dwell on what they have imagined....Sometimes, by the time they get around to actually talking to the person, they don't realize that this person has not "imagined" all those same things they imagined. This person can't relate to this sense of closeness that the other person has now built up in their mind. Aspies tend to think about things, the way they want them to end up... But forget that the other person doesn't know what they've been thinking about. They then speak to this person as though their end result has already taken place. They don't realize that this person has no clue what they are talking about. Aspie's often imagine an outcome with another person. This makes them feel like they're "with" that person, and they then begin to ramble on to this person as though they really were with them, and they know what they are thinking. They don't.

Now, that guy may know he has good intentions, and he may know he'd never hurt me... But I DO NOT know that! I don't know this guy! He could be a serial killer who wants to find his way to my house, for all I know! Maybe that's the "real" reason he was mentioning "locations" to me... I mean, how do I know?? There's no way I'm gonna trust someone that easily! Always remember that you don't know what the other person's true intentions are if you've only just met them. This does not mean, be unkind to them. It means there are many things you should not express to them at this time because it's not appropriate. People are not nearly as well-intentioned as we'd like to think (sometimes). Be careful. I think many times, Aspie's confuse being kind and outgoing with telling someone personal stories. They take for granted that this person is their "friend" and then begin to try and become "closer" to them by telling them more "too personal" information. Nope... This is not how it works...in fact, this can be quite dangerous.

1. Take it easy. If you begin conversing online with someone, DO NOT make them feel like something's urgent. This will scare them. It will not make them feel comfortable talking to you.

2. Plainly state your reason for messaging them/speaking to them, and ask them if that's okay. If you have never met them before, ASK them if you can introduce yourself to them. Yes. This is not unnecessary or stupid. This shows that you are aware that that you've never met them before and you realize that you need to earn the privlidge of being in their space.

3. Never give personal contact information to someone you do not know. Actually, this needs to be number one. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS PERSON WILL DO WITH THAT INFORMATION!

4. NEVER DISCUSS WHERE YOU LIVE WITH SOMEONE YOU DO NOT KNOW!! Beyond the name of your town, there should be no hint as to where your residence is!! If you're the one who started the conversation, do not ask this person for specific locations in their town. Think of it this way: if someone means you harm, they are not going to let you know that... so you can figure it out! They're going to get information from you, without you even knowing what's going on...unless you recognize what's happening.

5. Don't insist on someone calling you and then not tell them why. First of all, you don't know the person. Second of all, this makes you look desperate, and that person has every right to be scared of you. Thirdly, it's just plain creepy! Fourth, how does that person know that you don't mean them any harm? They don't!

5. Guys, if you're speaking to a female that you have no intentions with, DO NOT make it seem like you're trying to ask her out. (However poor the attempt). When you say to a girl that you REALLY want her to call you... This means that you're attracted to her, and you want to ask her out... Period. If you don't want to do that, don't insist on having her number! Ladies if he insists on having your number and seems to push you to give it to him, get away from him! He's not the right kind of guy. The right kind of guy will slowly, gently get to know you first, and then give you the OPTION of calling him if you would like to. He won't shove it down your throat and insist on it!

On a very personal note...ladies, use your instinct. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is not always the best thing. My mother has always taught me this:

"Go with your gut. If you think something's wrong, then there probably is."

Be careful.

Buddy the Elf??

It occurred to me today that having AS or high functioning Autism might be described like being Buddy the Elf walking around New York City (minus the costume, of course). Okay, maybe this example is a bit extreme... But I think that's exactly my point. Buddy is just purely excited by everything, and wants everyone to be just as excited as he is. He has the best intentions in the world... But often annoys people because he doesn't understand social norms.

Christmas trees are amazing! But chopping a tree down in a public park is a fellany Our dad is so special to us, but we don't buy him something from the women's department because the rack says "For That Special Someone.". We certainly would never refer to a dwarf, or a little person as an elf. In reality, this is a horrible insult. But in Buddy's world, very short people are elves! No offense... Just simple truth! A truth Buddy understands, but no one else has experienced. At least, not in that way! :). I think the best thing about being blessed with an Autistic mind, can be the ability to take very complex things and make them simple. An example would be when Buddy tells Jovie that he likes her. Wouldn't it be the greatest thing in the world if every guy just said: "I feel really warm when I am around you."? Well, it would be if everyone understood it the way that Buddy meant it. Isn't this exactly the way we feel when we're in love? (Like we're warmed up from the inside?) Isn't this the most perfect way of explaining it? Yes!

But there's a big problem, of course. Should any guy actually say this to a girl? Well...let's examine this a little. (you're thinking "WHAT??" right?). If this girl were ME, and I were friend's first with a cute guy, I would adore it, if he said this to me as a way of saying "I like you.". This is because I love the movie "Elf" and I would understand that (movie) line. :). I think this would be cute and wonderful, and part of getting to know what this girl (me) likes as a person.

But obviously, as a general rule, you would never say this to anyone you barely know, because it isn't appropriate...it would creep them out. It's also inappropriate to, say, drop your pants right in front of people, but this is what Buddy does! (Hey, he had to, his dad said "lose the tights," right?). :). Okay, okay... I'm being silly, and this is exaggerated, but I still believe there's a point here. By the way, if a sign said "Peep Show,". why wouldn't it be that we can see the presents before Christmas?? :). Okay... that does mean something WAY different! But I enjoy Buddy's meaning a lot more, don't you? It's fun, it's literal, it's for the best reason, and it's a picture of childlike excitement. How wonderful! But of course, it's not TRUE.

That's the thing. The real truth is that we use a lot of what are called expressions... because we don't express ourselves very well. We explain the way that things are by saying what they are not. I'm talking abbot neuro typicals now, not those with AS or HFA. The expression "Peep Show" SHOULD NOT mean what it means...but it does. This is what I'm talking about. Thanks to things that we "imply" and something called "connotation," and "innuendo," neuro typicals are usually saying things that they don't mean, because for whatever reason, what they really mean must be hidden or changed. Why? Many times I think it's because maybe what they are saying does not need to be said. :). The term "Peep Show," stupid as that is, suggests a whole world of inappropriate things that don't even need to be brought up. So, we say a bunch of crazy things that don't make any sense in order to mean a bunch of things we can't really say because they are not appropriate. This, ladies and gentleman is called... being an adult (!!!)

Those of you with AS or HFA; if you're confused...it's no wonder! That IS confusing!! Isn't it? It's also ridiculous and stupid! (I mean let's be honest.) But THAT is, unfortunately, the way the world (doesn't) work. :) The truth is, neuro typicals are confused about those things too (they really are!). They just have the cliche's and the innuendos and the body language to make it LOOK like they're not. :). Now sometimes, what we say needs to be cliche'd or put another way, because put too bluntly will hurt someone, or really embarrass them. This is unkind, of course; but what's also unkind is using cliche's and innuendoes to explain what you mean so that certain others are excluded from the meaning. This also happens A LOT. When it does... You're not at fault. This is not written to put anyone down or anything. It's just my personal belief that sometimes neuro typicals are more socially backwards than we think.

Now, I do believe that help with socialization is very important particularly for those with AS or Autism. Women with AS, even more specifically can benefit from some life coaching because they can be much better at "masking" their AS characteristics than guys (typically) and after a while, we can mask them from ourselves too. :). My point is, I think that sometimes, we put a great deal of effort into "mastering" the way that neuro typicals think and what they say and how they view the world. My feeling is...set your own example. Walk at your own pace (whenever you can). This is not an easy thing. We have to be very brave because the neuro typical world will make fun of us, and they will get fed up with us, because they think we don't understand. But not everyone will feel this way. :). When people have an interest in you, they will slow down to see what you're about. We don't need to worry so much about figuring out how to be like someone else. We may not feel "fine" just the way we are... But I'd bet money, that might be because we're better, and we don't yet realize it.
As Shakespeare put it: "To thyne own self be true." :)

From the Heart! :)

I was looking back through my searches and found the book "22 Things A Woman Should Know If She Loves A Man With Asperger's Syndrome.". Well, of course I've looked this book up many times, but I did another Google search on it. Anyway, the Amazon description says that a relationship with a guy with AS can be difficult, but not impossible. A relationship with ANYONE can be difficult, but not impossible. So what does that mean?

I've done a lot of searches on how AS affects temperament in both men and women. What breaks my heart is that all of these seemed to try and teach a person what to look out for. Now, this can be a good thing, just FYI... But basing relationships on things we need to try and prevent, or stay away from, or look out for usually doesn't help people become closer. Now thank God for people's genuine efforts... This is wonderful. But each piece of fear and negativity can frighten us, and just make us feel we need to step back. This is okay for a time.... But relationships need to grow together... Not apart, would you agree?

So, let's accentuate the positive, shall we?

Now, keep in mind, this is all my opinion. I won't speak using other sources... Just from my own heart. People with AS are loyal to their very core, and it's very important to them that they show it because they have (usually) an insatiable need for others approval. This can be the best possible thing when it comes to relationships because when they love you, it means more than anything to them to win your approval. So, I'll just be blatantly honest here. These are very simple, but most of the time our society thinks them insensitive, unnecessary and "not taking care of my needs.".

1. You gotta let him think it's his idea

Don't worry, this isn't insulting it's just true. He needs to be your hero, but sometimes he has no idea how to go about doing that. So always think the best of him, especially when it's hard. This helps to ease tension. Find something that you know he would love and point it out to him.when you speak to him, take something that you know you wanna do and try to present it in a way that's attractive to HIM. Ladies, there definitely is an art to this, and we women are the only creatures on earth who have the power to do it. It isn't dishonesty, it's being smart enough to try and help things work out for the both of you. This is not easy, but there is something very refreshing & attractive about it.

2. Praise him to the skies.

Yes... especially in front of others. Come on, you already think he's wonderful, right? So point it out!... Wherever possible, whenever possible, point it out! If you need to, make lists of things you're proud of him for (sure, why not?). It's not weakness... It's wonderful that his accomplishments mean so much to you. (Don't carry the list around and say "honey, look what I remembered about you"... That ruins the whole thing. (if that last sentence sounded odd to you, just remember that people with AS are very literal) :)

3. Always try to give him warning.

Tell him you have something to tell him or ask him, and ask if now is a good time. Always be gentle. This is one of those incredibly simple things that we think goes without even being said ("Duh!," right?) but it's easy to forget :) Sometimes it helps to leave him a note. You wanna be strong on the inside so you can be soft on the outside. Most of what I've read seems to try to teach women to sharpen their defenses to make them strong on the outside in order to protect themselves on the inside. This seems to just leave us angry and frustrated... And him too. :)

Now, there's more I'd like to get into, but I think I'll save that for another entry. Now that I've given my opinion, I will give 2 sources: Rori Raye ( she's on Google & You Tube) and Proverbs 31 :)

Take care everybody!

PS...I've never read Rudy Simone's book, although I would love to! :)

Mixed Messages

I've heard that exclusivity with guys is not the big deal that it can be with us girls.. Apparently girls often make the mistake of thinking that guys want them and only them... Forever; when in truth, the guy is often just on a "wait and see" basis, figuring that if his current girlfriend doesn't work out... he'll find another one. Often, guys won't even have romantic intentions with a girl, but they will do things (unknowingly) make girls believe that there's an attachment there.

I wanna say, guys... Tell her. If you don't have any romantic intentions with her, tell her-- especially if giving your phone number is involved! This is generally the most obvious evidence that you ARE interested in her. You gave her your number, you want her to call you right? Duh! Only, in this case it wasn't that way at all. If you do have intentions with her... Tell her! Hang around her for a while so you guys can form a friendship (first). This way, she won't feel like you're only trying to pick up on her.

I really do believe that women (no matter how they act) really do want the guy to be the one to make the first move. They want him to lead. They want him to be in control so that they feel safe. They want a man... Not a little boy. But our society makes men feminine and women masculine. Our society teaches that women have to do it all because men are idiots who can't do anything right. And I think more and more men have believed the lie. In my opinion, men seem to step aside and "wait" for women to handle everything because they are by nature, into their own agendas, and letting women handle everything allows them to stay there, and also because, this way, they get to avoid failure. But there is no "conquering" in this... No victory. A bizarre and frustrating result to this, is that women are often forced to take a leadership position that they were not meant for. I've known men who were so afraid of failure that they would not make the first move even when they needed to. In my opinion, women can sense this, and it becomes incredibly tough for us to back up and wait because we want to "fix" the situation. (Bad idea). If women chase after men... They'll run. The better man they are, the faster they'll run. But women, on the other hand often have tremendous power that they don't use correctly.

It was once explained to me, that a man will "move out of the way" for a woman so that she can have what she wants and needs. This is a big part of the way that he "lays down his life" for her. But many times, this is all mistaken for lack of interest, or "he doesn't like me, he doesn't love me"-- that kind of thing. I'm still not sure, how a girl tells the difference between him giving her freedom, and really being not that in to her. For that matter, how long does a girl wait for a guy to show an interest in her, before she realizes that he won't? I'm not sure. I for one have a deep desire to know the right guy. The last thing I wanna do is be presumptuous and push him away. But like I wrote one day, "I've seen it happen in my life, where I will back up and get out of the way so that a guy can "come into my space" and make a move, and no such thing ever happened. It's my opinion that the guy thought that I didn't like him or he never liked me to begin with. Keep in mind, when I'm talking about me backing up... There was no relationship there... Only the hope of one. When I talk about a guy "moving out of her way," that's after a relationship has been established and he knows that's a risk he wants to take with her. :)

At times, there is a deep sense of loneliness when we wait patiently for the right one and they never show. This is a frustrating thing, which I will talk much more about in a separate entry. Until then, I recommend the CD series "The Attractive Christian Woman.". by Nancy Liegh DeMoss (Revive Our Hearts.). This explains so much about ladies and gentleman, and how (we) are different from each other... But how those differences are designed to compliment... Not to divide us. BTW...Guys, don't let the title turn you off... There's a lot in there for you as well. I love this series because it talks about how we encourage kids to grow up too quickly, and how this confuses the whole relationship process when someone is an adult. PS... Get ready to delve into scripture because this is the basis or foundation used for what is talked about :). Anyway, until next time...

ONE

I've found it interesting that people who are autistic or have Asperger's Syndrome have such strong desires to be in romantic relationships. I know I have dreamt about this, since I was a child... And in those dreams, all my loyalty went to one person. Anyway, I find this interesting because the word autism means "self," or "one". Like an automobile is driven by one person.

Perhaps it would be so much simpler for those with Autism, if we all could say we were content to be single, and then leave it at that. :). But I wonder if an Autistic's desire to be in a relationship is not much stronger even than someone who's neuro typical. How can this be when people with Autism are so ... Into themselves? Now, you know I'm gonna answer my own question, right? I always do. Please know, that when I say "into themselves" I do not mean selfish and conceited and uncaring. I mean, needing to be alone so much...usually just to process our own thoughts. At least, I know I need this myself. Needing to do things at our own pace. Getting so deeply involved in something that we shut out other things and other people. Seeing the world through the filter if you will, of our own experiences.

The thing is, EVERYBODY see's the world through the filter of their own experience. So, what makes autism different? Some might say that I'm not qualified to answer, since I am only self diagnosed. Okay. But what if I gave it a shot anyway? Now, I'm not gonna try and define Autism for anyone because I think I would then feel like my head were going to explode. In other words, it's too complicated! But, I'd like to take a guess at why an Autistic mind works differently, and what gives most of us such a strong desire for relationships.

I think idea's are like puzzle's put together. In my opinion, those who are Autistic sort of process their thoughts like puzzles already put together that all tell a complete story. But each idea goes into their mind like a puzzle already completed. I think an Autistic person sees the beginning and the end result of things at the same time...hence the completed puzzle. But here's the thing: Autistic people are unable to really tell HOW the puzzle was pieced together step by step...because it's already been done. Someone telling an Autistic person HOW that puzzle was put together does not help because that only shows an Autistic person that someone ELSE can work through and process that idea... Not them. I feel that the way Autistic people process information piece by piece is to take the "puzzle" (idea) apart, and then piece it back together themselves, so they have now had the same experience as others around them... But in their own way. I think Autistics must go through this process of tearing down and rebuilding both with their own ideas and with the ideas and thoughts of others.

Now, I think neuro typical people are different, because their thoughts and ideas can be processed several "pieces" at once, but they can put those "pieces" together as they go, without needing to see what they "connect" to, and without needing to "take apart and rebuild" first. And because a neuro typical's thoughts don't need to be taken apart and then rebuilt, others can also "see" where the "pieces" are being put together at the same time... Because their thought process is working the same way (several "pieces" at a time)being put together immediately...even though other people might be "working on" (thinking about) completely different puzzles! I think it's sorta like playing mental "hopscotch" all the time...which you can do if you can handle jumping in and out of all the "boxes." (just think of each "box" as being filled with the puzzle pieces). Say each "box" is somebody's mind... And the puzzle pieces all their "ideas."

Autistic people often can't move freely into other people's "boxes" because it's so hard for them to leave their own (mind). They are constantly having to take apart and rebuild so that all the puzzles make sense! I believe autistic people try desperately to empathize with others... But they can't get all these damn "puzzles" pieced together, and so their just isn't the room for anything else! Doesn't mean they don't have the desire. AND, it doesn't mean they don't have the ABILITY to love and feel empathy and even receive empathy. They do, but it's quite challenging because all these things often must take a back seat to their "mental puzzles.". Maybe this is why Autistic people are sometimes like the Grinch: They "puzzle" until their puzzler is sore! :). I know I do! This process never stops... And it is EXHAUSTING!! This might be why Autistic people are irritable and easily upset. I think this is also why Autistics are so much in their own little world. Their trying to straighten up a "mess" going on in their mind... That never really is cleaned up. But those who are Autistic often don't have the luxury of "leaving" the mess and going on to something else. They CAN do this... But it takes a great deal more effort on their part to "separate" all the broken pieces from the minute by minute events that keep coming in.

I believe that people with Autism feel emotions so strongly, that they can actually feel physical pain. Sometimes, when emotions grip them, they can be reduced to silence... Unable to voice anything because the feeling has seemed to paralyze them. Autistic people often can't look people directly in the eye because of the intensity. Emotion's also have to be processed, and it seems to me after much reading and listening to autistic people talk about themselves, that the autistic brain, and those with Asperger's syndrome, look for things to block out, simply as a way to cope with everyday life. In other words, this is not intentional, and not personal towards anyone around them generally.

Neuro Typical's, or those who are not Autistic, can process several pieces of info. at a time and switch gears easily. Perhaps, since these tasks don't seem to take as much energy from a neoro typical brain, this makes it easier for neuro typicals to compute body language and innuendoes, or meanings which are not verbally expressed. Now, I am NOT a doctor. This is all my own opinion. On the upside, Autistic people and those with Asperger's Syndrome are some of the most loyal on earth! This could be partially due to the deep loneliness that can come from feeling so out of step with most people. This isolation can drive those who are Autistic to work harder for the connections that they do have. Personally, this deep loyalty to me is a huge plus.

I believe that this loyalty is what can drive an Autistic person to dream about a romantic relationship for so long in the first place. Autistic people tend to fall in love quickly and deeply. The fact that it can be so difficult to find relationships in the first place, makes Autistic individuals highly devoted to those they are with. The downside is that it can be very difficult for an Autistic person to recover when relationships do not work out. Romantic relationships can often seem like major answers to prayer for many Autistics because the strange dynamic in Autism is that the Autistic adult knows they cannot survive completely alone, but the usual demands of interacting with many people (particularly for the single adult) can be very overwhelming. There is an expectation put on single adults in our society that the "freedom" of being single means a lot of friend's and a lot of activity. The Autistic person can have both in their lives, but this does not mean that they are necessarily comfortable with either.

Autistics often seek refuge where they can be alone, away from excess noise (both verbal and non-verbal). But sometimes this solitude can be counter-productive because it becomes overkill. An Autistic person can become so involved in wherever their one track mind is taking them, that they can be unaware of any warning signs that they need to switch gears. Contact with groups can be too intimidating, but having that one person that they can really trust in their life can help ease the loneliness, while taking away the intimidation of too much going on at once. I believe that this is the kind of intimate connection that Autistic people in particular long for. They don't want to be alone, but don't want to be pulled in a million directions at once. Oh, if life were only that simple, right? This is why Autistics (both men and women) often have many fantasies about romantic relationships. These "fantasies" make the harsh realities of a person looking in from the outside easier to handle... But oftentimes the boundary lines between reality and fantasy become blurred and many Autistics are faced with the harsh truth that romantic relationships are intense and frightening because they are very emotional with many unknowns.

The black and white thinking of an Autistic individual makes it much simpler for them to be faithful to just one person. (Ladies, what could be better than that?). Often, what an Autistic individual is looking for is that one person that they can be more personable with than any other. The Loyalty they give out, is what they expect to be given back, and they feel a debilitating level of betrayal when this does not happen. This mind set can be particularly "alien" if many of your friends casually date, or have had several relationships (when often the Autistic person waits ages for just one.). Often, the Autistic's dream is to simply let that that one person into their world so that they can have someone to share it with. This thinking is much easier than the rise and fall avalanche of crumbling relationships and scraping their heart off the floor to try and begin a new one. I've heard it said that if a man is going to "crash his boat" in order to risk having a relationship in the first place he needs to feel safe (doing it). Often, with Autistics (especially) they wanna prevent the boat from crashing in the first place. They learn that when you get too close to people you get hurt. The upside, is that when you get close enough to the right person you can have the most awesome relationship in the world! :)

You Know, it Aint All about You

I do not like to be left out of things.

It's crazy because even if the event in question is something that I would not care for, when I hear all the details after the fact, I clench my teeth and burn with jealousy because... I wasn't there. I was not able to share in all the happenings, so I have no idea how to be excited about what happened because I did not experience the event. In most cases I dearly wish I could've.

I hate being the kind of person who is too focused on herself to care about what happens to anyone else. I honestly do care when something wonderful happens to those I care about, but it's very hard for me to be excited for the other person when I did not experience the event myself. It's like there's a blank slate there. I have nothing to fill it in with. I spend a lot of time kicking myself because I can't seem to just care about people because they're happy. Why isn't this enough? It isn't that I don't care, but I would care so much more if I'd had the same experience. But this is just classic selfishness, right? What if it isn't? What if there's something else going on there? I mean, why do I find it so difficult to be happy for someone else? Hmmmm... I remember watching shows about people who are compulsively neat. Part of their therapy would be to disorganize one thing...and leave it that way; dump something on the floor and leave it there. Leave some laundry unfolded, something like that. So how does something like this apply to empathy.

If a person doesn't get their empathy from an experience then where can they get it from? How are you truly happy for someone else when the experience has nothing to do with you? These are not rhetorical questions....I'm really not sure. I think I would have such an easier time if I did get this. Less exhausting. Less comparisons with others. Not to mention less feeling sorry for myself. It's a difficult thing when you tend to see everything through the lens of what is not. I heard a guy on You Tube talking about this just the other night. He was talking about AS and HFA, and the way that those who have these ways of thinking see things from the perspective of what isn't. They struggle with being afraid that they will not be smart enough for that class, or that job, or being afraid that someone won't like them.

I think the trouble is explaining this to a neuro typical person. How do you explain that it isn't that easy to just turn things around in your head and be positive. It's definitely possible...but it's like asking an alcoholic to stop drinking..it's really hard! A lot of times, even I don't understand why this happens. I'll just feel awful about something, and rant and rave cause the only thing that curbs the energy is the sound of my own voice self righteously complaining. What the Heck?? Can a brain be wired to do such a thing? Sounds like someone just full of excuses, right? Weird.

I know that when Christ is in us, we can be for others, what we would like for ourselves. Nobody's perfect but I must've missed something because I find myself still looking inward...but if there's nothing there for me to relate to others with, then what?

Priorities

I once read an article written by a woman whose husband had AS. This lady was talking about difficulty communicating and how it took her a long time to get used to his temperament. She talked about a time when she had to have surgery. After the surgery, her husband was supposed to be there to pick her up and take her home. He wasn't. This woman was out of recovery and ready to go but her husband never showed. With the nurses getting worried for her, they had to have her call her husband while still lying on a gurney, and ask him where he was.

He was still at work, and with anesthetic leaving her quite groggy, his wife had to tell him he needed to pick her up at the hospital. Apparently, this man became quite angry, ranting and raving and making it sound as though his poor wife had done him some huge inconvenience by calling him. He did get to the hospital, but the hostility and anger continued on the drive home. According to the author, she got a silent treatment for the rest of that evening. Her husband did not say a word to her. The next day, this very patient wife who'd recovered all alone the night before, gently tried to probe the issue again. She said that she had let her husband know well in advance that he would need to be there to get her, and that she simply could not understand why he'd become so upset.

It was at this time that her husband finally admitted to her that he'd never been able to bring himself to ask his boss for the time off. (!!!!). He said he knew that she needed him but was too afraid that his boss would be disappointed in him if he just left work. Now I admit, I was infuriated with this guy when I read the story. I was thinking "I don't care how afraid you were, your wife needed you!". Honestly! Talk about needing someone to lean on, and then having to do everything yourself! Then this woman explained that she had to learn that what her husband actually needed was empathy. She learned that as bad as he felt about disappointing his boss, he was a great deal more upset with himself for having disappointed HER. This empathetic, smart wife, at closer examination of the situation, was able to discern that her husband felt worse than he could say, at having let everyone down... But especially her. He felt too embarrassed (apparently) to even let the mistake show. At this, my heart melted a bit. Poor guy! He'd wanted to make everything perfect for her (I imagine) but was torn at the thought of disappointing his boss.

All of the sudden, I thought " What a conundrum!". What if this person had been me or my dad? Or both?! I'm sure I'd be fuming inside, but then, would I be able to give him empathy later? In all honesty, I would probably be thinking;
"I'm the one who was in the hospital feeling like crap!". Interesting. After having no support, and then being yelled at for disrupting his day and THEN getting a silent treatment, would I then realize that I needed to give him some empathy? Could I read what his heart was really saying? Would I believe it?

This woman (bless her heart) had been shown no empathy at all (granted her husband DID admit what happened...but even that did not come until the next evening). Yet her way of learning to love him better came from showing him the empathy that she needed from him. What a difficult, but wonderful paradox! Being on empty but finding that your ticket to peace of mind is giving out what you don't have? Now, I'm not ignoring the responsibility of her husband. He should've made arrangements to pick her up. But the fear of rejection had apparently "crippled" him. For his wife to spew further anger at him? Technically, she had a right to do this... But she would've caused her husband most likely just shut down further.

I've been told for a long time that the idea of 50/50 in marriage is not as true as most people think. It doesn't really start to be love until you give when it's not fair... And you know you won't get anything back. When this woman wrote of how she learned what her husband was really going through, I was able to see all this in a different way. So, guys, when you're wife is having surgery...make sure you're there to pick her up! :). Ladies, if your husband lashes out, and you're not sure why, as difficult as it is... Try to figure whether something's hurting him... Then, when you've both calmed down, try to let him know you're not angry. Maybe then, you guys can talk... Yeah?

In Reverse, Socially

Once when I was a kid, I went to the dentist. He and his assistant noticed that I wore glasses, they were asking me whether I was near sighted or far sighted. My answer was thus...

"Well, I think I'm a little bit of both."

Hey, isn't everybody? When it came to being near sighted or far sighted, I did not know that I had a choice. All people have to see both close up and far away right? So, I'm a little bit of both, right? Now don't get me wrong... I learned what they meant. (Duh). They were asking me whether I could see better close up or far away. In other words, what did I need the glasses for? My reasoning just did not work that way, so I kept saying "I'm a little bit of both.". Made perfect sense to me... But this wasn't the answer I was supposed to give. Ha ha :). Sometimes I wish I were still that child who didn't feel the pressure of figuring things out.

If my thinking is so socially backwards... Why does it make so much sense to ME? Hmmmm, I'll have to give this a little thought. Even if I were to get very creative about it, and pretend that my way of thinking were like a Super Power. :) ... How does a super power help if someone can't seem to use it in the real world? What if it makes you odd or different? I don't know, but for every negative, there is a positive! So, I'll have to think of how. Experiences like this can be used for good, and looked at as wonderful things. Anyone have any advice? Just some thoughts. :)

Frazzled

Are people with AS or Autism, just generally angry all the time? This certainly applies to me! Of course it could be a lot of other things too... I just wonder if AS or Autism has anything to do with it. By the way, this is an angry post today, so look out. Things have been so hectic around here lately. Maybe they wouldn't be for someone else.... But they are for me. I'd rather not get into why. That's not necessary. Suffice it to say that it gets difficult sometimes for me to even remember to wash the dishes anymore.

It's crazy. I'm not particularly busy even... I just can't concentrate on anything. Can't get any quiet. I try to write, I can't hear myself think. Sometimes I don't know why I bother helping people, because for every one thing that goes right, about ten go wrong. I'm always misunderstanding things, and somebody goes "Oh, I thought I told you." (you probably DID tell me... I just don't remember nothin'). Just so tired of everything getting screwed up and I don't even know about it till it's already happened. Then I have to find a way to make sure I don't have a meltdown or something. I just need some friggin QUIET!!I try to do something, I just end up screwing it up. I'm outta money for the month & my bank is charging me overdraft fees. I don't mean to be so damn angry all the time, but I am. Sometimes I don't know how to look on the bright side of things. I try to, but I think "What bright side?". This is awful! I mean, who wants to be around somebody like that?

I just feel like saying "F" you to the whole world! I'd use the word, but I DID calm down a bit before I started writing this. And you know what else I hate? Always being known as the good girl! Trying to talk about how much angst I have, but never being as sarcastic as others around me so they don't believe me. Feeling like I'm so angry I could break something or hit something. (I won't do that... I'm not stupid. Then I'd just be in piercing pain too.). Yes, I could really use some counseling, but I can't afford any. I keep reading about things we can do (or take) to help ourselves feel better without drugs...I can't afford any of them. They are too expensive. Maybe if I felt better physically, I wouldn't be such a mess emotionally. There are many things that would help me alright, but I can't afford any of them. I feel like all I do is look for answers I can't actually turn into results and I just get depressed. This is why I talk about fairy tales and castles and actors and all that crap, because it makes things feel not so bad... Takes some of the edge off. I don't get it. There seems to be never any break in suffering. It just goes on and on. I know I sound like Solomon when he wrote Ecclesiastes, but I don't care. He just wanted to know what it all meant too, that's all.

Interesting, and strange. If anyone was intimately close to God, Solomon was... And he still needed to know what it all meant. He'd helped himself to every pleasure and found that there was nothing new under the sun. Well, I don't want to help myself to every pleasure; I just want quiet. I want a bed that doesn't hurt my back. I don't want to feel guilty anymore because I don't drive. It's better that I don't but I HATE it! I hate feeling like I'm a burden to people. No Christian cliche's or corny reassurance is gonna help me now. I hate being glad I don't have much responsibility and then hating myself because this seems not normal. What's the matter with me anyway? I suppose someone could give me that lecture now about only focusing on the bad stuff. Don't bother. One of my motto's is: "Sometimes, you just have to let things suck." (Gee, I guess I better not ever be a motivational speaker!) :). I sure could use something sweet right now... Not that we have anything like that around here. Suddenly, I'm reminded of that song "Passionate Kisses" by Mary Chapin Carpenter. ("Shouldn't I have all of this, and..."). Anyway, good grief! Couldn't somebody put me to sleep for a while so I can wake up when it's over? :). Nope. Awwww, dammit!

Trinkets

"Isn't that demented?... That a grown man's happiness depends on whether a nine year old catches a pop up?"(Baseball).

Well, this is a line from the movie "Parenthood."; but my response is no... Absolutely not! :). It's not demented at all. It's what I call a trinket. It's a wonderful little reason that all the trouble we go through in life is worth it. Now I'm not a parent. This is a job that I've never done. But there is no question in my mind that this the hardest job on the planet! :). Anyway, whether we are parents or not, we all have fear and anxiety at times. We all have overwhelming situations to sometimes walk through. For the individual with Autism or AS most (if not all) life situations can seem magnified under a microscope. Little things can be difficult. It can be hard not to sweat the small stuff (as they say).

But on the up side, "Aspies," and people with Autism (in particular) are often able to get a great deal of joy from little things! For example, I can't count how many times I've been excited to get up in the morning because later that afternoon I was going to the store on the corner to get a fountain drink! (Hey, you gotta get through the morning to get to the the afternoon! :). Not much, right? So? That's okay. It was a little something that I enjoyed. No, I don't do that every day, because I know soda isn't good for the system. But once in a while. But, hey, pick your pleasure! It could be a radio or TV program, a favorite place for lunch or dinner, feeling the wind on your face while you're out running errands.

One Christmas, I got Anderson Cooper's book "Dispatches From the Edge.". In it, he talks (among other things) about asking his mother (Gloria Vanderbilt), what she thought he should do when he went to college. She gave him this advice:

"Find Your Bliss."

Anyway, my mother and I have tried to make this a little daily thing that we do, as far as finding a little "bliss" each day. It could be any of the things I already mentioned or something else particularly special to you. Anderson was asking his mother about a life direction...so to speak. I like to take the idea and break it into little "trinkets," as I call them. By the way, your favorite flavor of ice cream is...? Just something to lift your mood (maybe) and keep you hopeful while this sun goes to sleep and the moon rises to her place. :)

Steps

I was just reading part of a FB post that was dealing with being able to think positive. The post was aimed at women with AS. One of the first things it said, was: "Stay away from 'all or nothing' thinking."

I stopped right there.

I believe that this may be, one of the biggest obstacles for both guys and girls with AS or high functioning Autism. This got me to thinking about some ways that I could maybe "train my brain" to take smaller steps, and help to curb the feeling of dread that can cause the "fatalistic" thought patterns in the first place. Hmmmm... This is a toughy, because what I don't want is yet another mental "wrestling match" with my own negativity and panic, that just leaves me mentally exhausted (again). To me, there are few things that feel worse than growing negativity, coupled with a crippling guilt because you can't get rid of it.

But usually, the harder I try to keep the negative out... The more I fail at it, and the more exhausted I get. So, I got to thinking about a different way of thinking in the first place that hopefully, can quiet the inside, and help me to stay in control and be calm.

So, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and some of you may be shocked at what I'll suggest, but, to me... This makes perfect sense. And I can tell you that it does work, because I've used it in my own life. Some of this will sound rather trite, and maybe so simple you'll be temped to skip over it. But just try it... The only reason it doesn't always work for me is because I don't always let it. Yep, that's it!

Now, first, I had to be honest with myself.

Sometimes, I truly can't help what I'm going through, but sometimes I simply don't want the discomfort of not knowing why something is going on. Sometimes I'm simply don't want to be patient through something when I don't know the outcome, or when it isn't the outcome I want. Translation, sometimes it's simpler and easier to just think in a fatalistic way. Example: "I caused all this. It's my fault." The end. This is not true. It's also very hurtful to those around me. Most of the time, I don't REALLY believe this is even true. But the feeling of being out of control can be so strong that it seems simpler to give into it rather than do something about it. So in my particular case, the underlying issue is "I'm out of control, I can't help it. How can I be responsible for behaving like this.". Translation, I will often use my panic and irrational thinking to distance myself from personal responsibility or accountability.

This is not good... I'm sure you would agree! But for me, that personal honesty about me allowing myself to just give in to the fatalistic thinking to avoid responsibility is the biggest hurtle to get over, to change my own thinking and calm myself down. There's a fear of failure that comes with responsibility isn't there? If I actually have to do something, I might mess it up, right? Many times, I've read that people wish AS or high functioning Autism have a chronic fear of failure. I think the last thing any of us wants to do is avoid having a life, so that we avoid failing, right?

So, with that in mind I share this. Ready? The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are designed to be a different way of thinking to help regain serenity for those whose lives are affected by the turmoil of alcoholism. Am I saying you are an alcoholic? No. Don't worry, I'm not. :). Am I saying you have alcoholics in you're family? Nope. Don't worry. The thing is, these "steps" can help someone living in fear or anxiety to regain their piece of mind, whether their life is affected by someone's drinking or not. I am not a doctor. What I'm saying is based on personal opinion and experience. These are not steps that one tries to cram into their head and memorize all at once, and think "Man, that's just too much to memorize.". It's not memorizing. It's more like stepping stones to thinking differently.

So, with that in mind I'm gonna go through the 12 steps, keeping them in tact, but removing all references to alcohol, specifically... And showing how these principles can work for anyone.

Some of this, you will not agree with.

I encourage you to simply, take what you like, and leave the rest.

1. We admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank); that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (as we understood) Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except, when to do so, would injure them, or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God (as we understood) him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us, and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

As you can see, there's actually only one reference to alcohol in all 12 steps. It's in the first step, and I put parentheses.

Let me be clear in saying that we are NOT powerless over the choices WE make.

But we are powerless over the choices others make and the things that they do. We are powerless over most circumstances and most of the demands put on us in a day; powerless over others moods and temperaments. We're powerless over the things others say, but we as individuals are not powerless over how we react (or not) to our circumstances. Anyway, the sensitivity of temperament and fear of transitions or change that can come with having AS or Autism can sometimes leave us with a great deal of anxiety over unknowns and things that require transitions. I offer these steps as ways to maybe regain perspective. They do not have to be done in any order or in any time period. I for one, like to use them as a guide to put my thinking back in order when it becomes garbled or distorted.

How Does That Work? (Could it be Better for Those With AS to Stay Single?)

I was just reading an article about the way that AS an Autism can affect men in relationships. I thought the perspective in the article was to the point and had a lot of good things to say. At the end of the article there were 29 comments, a few of which were from women who'd been married to men with AS for many years. One woman had accepted the fact that her husband was not able to show her any affection. She said she loved him and that there were some positive things taking place. Another woman said that it,s good to remind your partner with AS that it's important for them to tell others how much they are loved and appreciated. Another woman said that, being married to a man with AS, she learned that she was responsible for building a life. Yet another woman was in complete agony (or she seemed to be). She said her husband was not able to reciprocate any emotion, and that over the years, she had lost her physical and emotional health. I sat there totally perplexed.

These women's responses did not surprise me. The reason I was perplexed is because I'm not sure I understand how a guy with AS even know 's he's in love in the first place. This statement is not an insult. Since the article was about men with AS, I'm gonna stick with that. Okay, so, if a guy with AS or Autism expresses emotion differently, and he seems to have so much trouble returning affection, how does he know he's in love with her in the first place? I mean, what "creates the spark". What "turns that light on" if you will? My point is that he has to feel something for her at some point. Is she an "obsession" that he forms? How does that work? I suppose that since all people are different, each answer would be different. But I wonder, on the whole, might it be better (more simplified) for people with AS or autism to stay single, rather than being in a marriage/ relationship. Again, I'm sure this is not true in every case.

The thing is... women NEED affirmation, they NEED sensitivity and gentleness, They NEED physical affection that is not sex (hugs kisses, back rubs, tossing their hair, etc.). Women NEED their man to take them in their arms and just hold them. They need the flutters and warm tingles and shivers of excitement that come when he holds her hand. Women need to know that when they are hurt or afraid, they can cry on their husband's shoulder (literally) and he will not be angry with her because her emotions get in the way of what he's doing. They need to know that he will lay aside what he's doing and give her attention when she needs him to hear what she's saying. These are not optional, guys. This is part of who women are and the above things I mentioned are a lot of what makes a woman feel safe in a relationship. This is absolutely essential for a woman. When she doesn't feel safe and secure in a relationship, she will pull away emotionally and physically, and she will resent (eventually) the man that she's with because he doesn't do anything about it.

So, if he simply is not aware, and doesn't realize what he doesn't realize, and most likely does not talk to her (maybe because he does not think there is any reason to), what does a woman build that relationship on? Maybe I should say, what does a MAN build that relationship on? What makes him pursue her in the first place?

Just Ticking Over?

You know, I think Chris Reeve was right.

He said in an interview once that disability (money) in the country was only designed to keep people with severe conditions "ticking over" while living with those conditions... But not enough to really help them get better or be productive.

Now, I realize that the government cannot ( and should not) do everything. But A YouTube Video that I just found proves the point in a different way. An adult with AS needs an aide to help him get through his day because of his heightened senses and the anxiety they cause....

But he's too intelligent to qualify for any such assistance paid for by the government. A very talented artist, he has all the ability in the world to make his own living... He just needs a little help! :). According to the law, his IQ must be 70 or lower to qualify for any sort of assistance. But what does IQ have to do with too much noise or dizziness, or nervousness, or in my case, terrible balance?

This subject hits home for me too because I have a lot of difficulty multi-tasking. There's always a point where my brain is on overload and I need to stop. I get migraine headaches caused by TMJ Syndrome (which can be caused by a lot of things ( excessive teeth grinding over time is one). But never have I heard of any job where you can stop when your brain is on overloaded, or the whole side of your face hurts, at which time you need to lay down in a dark room (bright light... Bad!). My dentist informed me that this soreness would make it's way down into my neck and shoulders too, which it has. For me, a migraine can last several hours. I'm learning to manage the condition as best I can, but am unable to cure it. All of this... And I have not even mentioned the Cerebral Palsy & the ( strong possibility of) AS. I do not drive. All of you out there on the road, can be glad that I don't... Believe me, it would be an accident waiting to happen!

Anyway, I choose not to go into anymore of my conditions here. Suffice it to say that most of what I do best is on my computer (or IPad) at home. I've just not found a way to make any money at that! :). It just seems to me that the criteria for what is or is not a disabling condition should not be such an inside out maze to navigate your way through.

http://m.youtube.com/index?&desktop_uri=%2F#/watch?v=kOhDWcwUjAg

Why Does That Have to Happen?

Sometimes I wish I could just live by myself and never have to worry about another person again as long as l lived. When somebody disrupts my thought process, I get distracted and I usually make stupid mistakes... At which time somebody else has to correct what I did, because I have no idea how to fix whatever went wrong. I hate that like something I can't explain. It makes me feel useless and stupid. When I'm by myself, I can think things through and there's nobody there to disrupt my thought process, so even if I make a mistake I can catch it right away... No problem. When there are too many things going on around me I can't concentrate. People ask me questions about things in order to prevent the wrong thing from happening and.mistakes get made. Couple that with a need to prove to people how capable you are about things... And what you have is a giant mess. A mess that nobody else thinks is a mess because they just get over it right away like nothing happened. It does no good to try and tell people how bad I feel. They don't think it's that big a deal anyway. I am alone in this. I have to find something to do with this horrible, sinking... I just wanna cry sorta feeling. I have no idea what to do. There's no place that I can go and work it out.. I've just gotta act like Nothing's wrong. I hate it. I just fucking hate it. I wonder where everybody else gets this magical ability to just recover from things and go on. I soooooo wish I had that! I don't understand what that's like. How can you even explain how bad something is, when everybody's trying to convince you it's not? Does all of this prove that I really do have AS? I wish I knew. I wish I had money to even be tested for it!!!!!! I can't handle just a suspicion of having it anymore. I need to know!!! What am I going to do?

Just Some Busy Nothing's

Have no idea what I should write about today. Really... My mind is blank, which is weird because even when I'm sitting quietly, I have a million ideas of things I wanna write or look up, or something. So, if I were to randomly write like I randomly say things out loud, would I get anywhere? Hmmm... William Saroyan is hurried here, ya know... In the town where I live. He was born and died here... But went many places in between. I've often wondered which house was his. It's not a tourist attraction or anything. Guess no one offered to take up that job... So his house is sitting in a neighborhood here, but who would know about it? Anyway... I don't think I know any of his writing. Fresno State has a lot of info on him, because he (of course) was born here.

They are supposed to have one of the best Creative Writing programs around, but I can't afford to enroll anyway. Everything is so freaking expensive now, you know? How does anybody afford anything? My nephew has put together this rather sophisticated Lego train. He's asked me to play with him, and I told him I would. :). Poor kid! I mean... I've blown him off so much lately :). So I think I should fix that! Later!

The Duh I Don't Get: Figures of Speech

The Duh I Don't Get: Figures of Speech: Ha! I may have an English degree, but I don't know why a "figure of speech" is called a figure of speech. I know what it IS... But I don't...

Figures of Speech

Ha! I may have an English degree, but I don't know why a "figure of speech" is called a figure of speech. I know what it IS... But I don't know why it's called by that name. For instance, if I said "That kid was 'screaming bloody murder'", that's a figure of speech that means a child was screaming really loudly... And it was frightening... Yeah? I mean, I suppose that if anyone literally walked into a room and yelled the words "bloody murder," this would be pretty startling. Anyway, I suppose this figure of speech is supposed to be more creative at conveying emotion because it gives us this "picture" (in this case... Blood?) to express how horrible the screams sounded. (yikes!). Anyway, what's wrong with just saying the child's screams were way too loud or something like that? Is it boring? Is it too direct? Does it make us SOUND intelligent? (We think?) to say "bloody murder"?

I'm inclined to think it's the third choice. But I think figure's of speech are also ways of simplifying complicated ideas. Concepts that can take paragraphs to explain are simplified to a single statement. For instance, if you say to a person

"Beggars can't be choosers". That means, someone who has been going crazy wanting something in any variety they can get CAN'T then say, "No I want a different KIND" when that thing comes their way... A car, for example. But to say all that every time is a lot of words, so we "simplify" it, and use the figure of speech instead. I think the problem comes when the figures of speech become so "cliche'd" that we're not even sure what they literally mean anymore. For instance, if someone says, "We're gonna paint the town red.". That means. "We're gonna go out (to various places) and our goal is to have a lot of fun.". So what does red paint have to do with it? :). Just a figure of speech...sure. But what's that? :)

Anyway, this could be fun. I thought I'd take some figures of speech and explain what they literally mean...

1. "A spade is a spade"

This means the same thing as "what you see is what you get.". It means, you need to realistically accept what a person or situation actually is, rather than kidding yourself that there is something else there. It just "is what it is"... Nothing more.

2. "There's plenty of fish in the sea"

I think everybody hates and loves this one at the same time. It conveys both agony and joy. It means don't worry about the person that you're no longer romantically involved with, because there are plenty of others you can meet.

3. "So, that's the way the wind blows."

It means, so that's the result of something someone did, or that's the outcome of certain choices. It's usually used when someone has had a feeling that something's been going on around them, but they aren't sure what. But it means negativity, like "oh, so that's what's been going on behind my back," or "without me knowing about it."

4. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."

This means if someone has been around a long time and they are used to doing things a certain way, chances are, others won't succeed at teaching them to do those things a different way. They are "set in their ways," as people say.

5. "Snooze ya loose!"

It pretty much explains itself: hurry and get it before it's gone! If you wait, there won't be any left.

6. "If that's not the pot calling the kettle black!"

This means basically, if you don't want to be judged, then do not judge others (please).

7. "When it rains, it pours!"

This refers to when a person spends a long time waiting to see even the smallest results of what they've done, and all of the sudden, everything they've waited for seems to come too fast, and all at once. This can refer to positive or negative circumstances... Yours personally, or someone else's.

8. "You could just knock me over with a feather!"

This means, I'm so shocked and surprised by what's happened I can barely stand up! (you could say).

9. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

This means I can show you all the steps you need to take to get certain results, but I can't make you actually do the work.
Or, even more accurately, it means "I can offer you the help you need, but I can't make you accept it."

10. "That man is such a stuffed shirt."

Why do we say "stuffed shirt"? This refers to someone who we believe is angry much of the time because of their seemingly "aloof" personality. They don't seem to speak much and show very little expression of feeling. Sometimes it refers to someone who we believe is generally no fun.

11. I'm walking on eggshells"

This is a person who is scared and nervous around another person because that person tends to get angry easily. The easiest translation is: "I don't know what to do because I'm afraid I'll do the wrong thing."

12. "I've created a monster."

This means something started out as a good idea but now it's too big for me to handle.

So what's the point of this? Well, this blog is called The "duh"I don't get, because when people point out something that they believe is just "common" sense (or that it doesn't even need to be said), they'll say "Duh!". But not everyone gets what they mean. To take this a bit further, people with Autism or AS often have a hard time I think with figures of speech, or cliche's because the meaning of a figure of speech is implied, rather than stated directly. The meaning is "underneath" the words you could say. This can be a mess for some people to pick through, where as, for neuro-typicals tend to use figures of speech much more than saying things literally. Pretty interesting I think! :)

Through the Looking Glass

It seems to me that people with AS or Autism feel a great deal of empathy for others... But they feel it (or see it) through the mirror of their own experiences.

I can't count how many times in conversation, I have apologized to the other person for turning the conversation back on myself. I understand... This is rude, and it makes the other person/people feel left out. I know I feel awful when I'm left out of conversations and I can't have the same understanding of a subject because somehow, something got lost in translation. Anyway, If I feel that way, how do others feel when I treat them the same way?

The sucky thing is that, usually, little things that bother me a great deal.... Don't have the same affect on others around me. "They" may not have even given such a trivial thing a second thought, but for me... That little thing would be a big deal. Damn... Just when I thought I had some common ground with somebody.

Anyway, I think we can feel empathy like we need to breathe air... Really.
But sometimes it doesn't "register" with us that our actions ( or lack there of) are not communicating the message that we are thinking and feeling at the time. For instance, we can see someone that we have missed like we can't explain, and want to run and give them the biggest bear hug and scream their name. But we worry a lot about leveling people with our strong sense of what we feel, so we learn to pull back, and not say as much. Sometimes what we don't say can really drive us nuts from the inside out, but for the sake of appearing "normal", we hold back. The irony being that we appear aloof and quiet and shy and perhaps even appear as though we can't stand up for ourselves. Add to this an often trusting and even gullible nature and... Well let's just say that we have to make sure that we know ourselves well enough to protect ourselves, don't we? More tomorrow! :)

Getting to know you...

I'm notorious for trying too hard.

Just know that right off the top. I analyze things too much and tend to wear myself out. I can either feel so good or so (not good) about something that I can over correct all my actions and end up ruining something before it even starts.

Anyway, One thing I've always wondered about is how to know whether you are "leading" a guy or not. But I have to say first that I don't know WHY it is that most of the time, when you see the "criteria" for Autism and AS, it says "a lack of empathy for other people." I think this gives neurotypical people the impression that all Autistics are either like robots, or like Rain Man. Neither is true. In fact, to be quite honest, I myself have thought for a long time that those who are Autistic either cannot speak at all, or they are like "Rain Man".

I feel empathy down to my very bones. Like it gets right into the marrow. It's like a violent storm that won't settle down. Sometimes, between me feeling that empathy and EXPRESSING it...it's like there is either a "bad connection" or a "short circuit," if you will. I know what I want to express, but I can't ever seem to really get it out. This can cause strange things to happen, because rather than showing empathy...I show sheer frustration, anger, crankiness... Because I'm so bummed about not being able to fix everything and make it alright. I want to make everything perfect for everyone around me, but am forced to accept the fact that this is not possible.

Add to this, the fact that if you think this way, you're generally considered conceited... A perfectionist. People don't want be around you... That type of thing. Imagine a garden hose being turned on full blast, and right before the gush of water everywhere... The hose gets a kink. Now imagine that water is your (my) emotions. (Empathy). There's all kinds of water there...it's running FAST, and all you see getting out is...this... S l O W... Trickle.

A gentleman made a video in response to the question about guys and girls and dating and "leading". He said (and I agree with him) that it is not okay for a girl to ask a guy out. He did a thorough job talking about women being cautious and careful because many guys do not have the best intentions in mind. Got it. He spoke about physical touch, and I really got the sense that what he was referring to were boundaries. Where should the boundaries be in dating?

Okay, you know me...I'm gonna be perfectly honest here. This person's video response to that question really got me thinking about how I might respond if somebody asked me the same thing. It was really cool cause I got a lot of ideas :) Now, I will say it again, I do not know for certain whether I have AS or Autism. I need to be tested. Right now, I have a strong suspicion that I may have AS, which is what led to the writing of this blog. But, putting even that aside for a minute, I think the best way for me to word all of this is to just tell my own story.

Imagine a freshly peeled piece of fruit that has fallen in the dirt. I like peaches because they are so delicate, but the kind of fruit doesn't matter. Now imagine that fruit being kicked and stomped a bit, and turning brown because of the air... That sorta thing. In the end, you have a bruised mess that will most likely go unnoticed. Anyway, if I were to generally describe a certain "insecurity" that has sort of surrounded me or maybe "loomed" over me in life...I'd describe it like that. Having this general sense that I was unprotected. I wasn't really.

I was safe, I just always sensed that there was this very vulnerable sort of "aura" around my life, and in my mind, I always seemed to be looking for a place to...crawl inside and stay. A tent, a warm blanket, a cave... Ha ha. A private island all to myself? :). Maybe even my Mother's womb? Hmmm, sorry about the imagery there, but so it was. Like an infant, I always wanted somebody to hold me. Literally, yes, but what I mean is...I would imagine this, and long for it in my mind. These images in my head would help me feel safe. And I began to long to know the man that I would marry at a young age. I was still a kid when this longing started, but when I reached junior high school I began to have my first real enthusiasm about the time that I would have a boyfriend.

Now, don't misunderstand me. When I was 12 & 13, I was playing with Barbie's and watching "The Mickey Mouse Club.". I was not old enough to be emotionally involved in any way with boys... And believe me...I knew this'. Even at that young age, I was like a teacher at my school telling all these naive young girls that they were... Getting into things that were not appropriate for their age! I was SUPPOSED to play with Barbie's and watch the Mickey Mouse Club"... I was a little girl for crying out loud.

The thing is, the other girls and guys around me were generally doing things that I thought were absolutely ludicrous! For instance, dating, relationships... Boys... Dare I say...virginity (yep) :). The student's around me were nasty and crass and rather "rough around the edges" emotionally. It's occurring to me now, that these were the "neuro typical" students who apparently, did not have the sort of "social dyslexia" that I seemed to have. I got along with my instructors much better than my peers!

Now, when I became a teen ager, I became intensely interested in having a boyfriend. In many ways, I was the same as any other teen age girl...I wanted to be accepted and liked by my friends. I wanted to be talented (which I was) and have people notice it... Sure. But being "popular"...? There would be seconds in life when I would want it... But seconds are fleeting aren't they? My point is that popularity was never truly my thing because I've never been interested in "figuring out" what it is that makes a person popular. So, when I was the right age to date, I was not really into it because I was so apprehensive about it. Now when you take what I said about empathy (and me), and consider that the same goes for loyalty and then you try to apply that to the whole dating thing, what you have is a very WEIRD paradox.

This paradox existed because my sense of loyalty and "oneness" would not (if you will) allow me to date. Now, there's nothing wrong with going out with someone and having a wonderful night. But I'd much rather it be family, or close friend's. Anyway, when I was 16, I did meet the guy that I'd been waiting for. We had an intense relationship that lasted two years... And then, we abruptly broke up. Now, I'm just gonna say it...I have never completely gotten over him. I loved him and still do today. I realized then, that, as far as I knew, I didn't want anybody else. This is normal for a while after you lose somebody. You're hurting, you need time to recover, and in your mind, you're still loyal to that person (of course). So, we go through it... The stages of grief... The denial, shock, etc.

The thing is... For me, when I broke up with that person, it felt as though something inside of me started to bleed, if you will... And it never really stopped. And here, is where I must come into the present. Way back then, when I was 18, this terrible ache seemed to just plant itself inside somewhere. I recognized it alright. I'd had one other serious relationship before this guy. THAT relationship had been my "You can do much better...he's a jerk" relationship. When that break-up happened, of course, I thought I'd never get over it... I'd never been through it it before! But I definitely did get over that, and was eagerly anticipating whatever God had in store for me next. But, the second relationship (the one that lasted two years) left a pain with me that just blindsided me. It literally left me unable to enter into another relationship with someone else. I wanted to... And still want to. And for years, I've just thought that eventually someone else would come along. God would bring someone else into my life when the time was right.

Now, as much as I hate to admit this...I need to. I have become desperate for a relationship. Don't get me wrong... I GET that this is is NOT good. I don't want to cling on to anyone! (yes I do!). But I've always been afraid to admit this to people because this is the BIGGEST no no in relationships. Besides, who wants somebody who NEEDS them? Well, sometimes people do... And it always turns out sick. This is not for me. Momma didn't raise no fool, so... Suffice it to say, I know better than that! But what the heck happened to me anyway? Is this the "timeless" love I'd always wanted? It certainly has "endured.". But I wanted to be WITH him, not without him :(
So I've been wondering now, about those who have autism and AS... And the "world" they will step into in order to help them cope with the real one.

"I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with ghost's."

This was one of Hannah's lines from the English patient. Now that I know what I know about Autism and AS...it seems to me that the shock of losing him all those years ago caused me to create a world around me with his "ghost" in it. But you can't really have a relationship with a ghost (DUH!). I think, unconsciously, I did it to survive what I was going through. But then later... Even when I wanted to grow up and "thrive" instead of just surviving, I had no idea how to do this. I had no idea how to "cope" with the idea of allowing myself to be that deeply involved with anyone else. In my narrow scope of thinking, it was like... This is one shot...and that's all I know.


I was left with intense loneliness, and no matter how hard I would try to shake it off, I never really could. Now, I had friend's, and interests and I was online :). I was deeply involved in my church, I wrote all the time, I took college classes, I did volunteer work, I moved out of my mom's house and experienced a room mate for six months (which was a disaster :) but it was life experience. :). Moved back into mom's house and was eventually able to find an apartment on my own that I could afford! Anyway, as outta place as I felt I felt, I do believe I had a pretty exciting life. I loved living alone because U had all the quiet time I needed.

Why is all this important? Because I was told many times that I needed to have other interests...I needed to have a life. As far as I knew...I did! But I couldn't stop feeling so lousy! Here's the hardest one: "When you're not looking for it...it will be there." Great. Well, when I figure out how to wire my brain differently, I'll let ya know! This concept is crazy to me. The only thing I know to do is find your objective and go after it...period. But if I'm going after"him" in my mind, then how can he come to me and get me? I don't understand backing off and letting it COME to you. To me, there is no way that I could ever really "let it go.". I find that I just can't stop thinking about wanting to be in a relationship. It doesn't seem to matter what else I fill my mind with... fill my life with. I'm not a miserable person. I'm very proud of who God has made me to be. Sometimes, I wish that I didn't want a relationship. But anyway, there I go again being politically correct.

It's a relief to know that people with AS and Autism struggle with a lot of anxiety... Because I do! Trying not to be anxious doesn't work because it just burns more energy. So...all of this internal mess is bound to come "leaking out" at some point. Anyway... My sense of loyalty just won't allow me to date and do it comfortably. And that's okay because not everybody's made for that. I'd rather a nice guy get to know me gradually in my normal, everyday life... And then see what magic happens. It WILL happen...I'm sure of that...I just can't seem to meet the guy (as of yet). I'm sure it will happen at some point, but leading an unorthodox life in the first place because I'm wired differently can make the alone-ness seem too much at times...the huge irony being that Autism really means "one.". My relationship with Jesus helps me walk through the struggles and cope with this general sense that I just seem to stick out like a sore thumb.

But I choose to look at it like this: I am a pearl. A pearl of great price. The man who puts a ring on my finger, will have gained a timeless treasure. The price that my Savior paid for me, was NOT cheap... And the right man will know that. I cannot be cast before swine (if you will). I know that was never God's intent for me. My advice to ladies would be (hard as it can be), rise up, and know that God is saving you for just the right man at just the right time...And He WILL lead him to you. Position yourself, and patiently wait... (it may be a long time, but you can do it). When your husband wins you, he'll love you with all his heart.

My hope, is that I can just "mind my own business" long enough for him to step into my life. He's out there...I know it. And I believe that one day, when I am just being completely consumed with the amazing woman that I am, he'll be watching me...whoever he is. :)

Vulnerability

I want to be brief today.

I wonder if the length of my last post is evidence that I really do have AS. :)

The idea of God is very precious to me. I want so badly for others to know the joy that I've been able to experience... And sometimes I try to "explain" people into it. People have to come to their own understanding of God in their own time. Sometimes it just breaks my heart to think that anyone might never know Him because the feeling might be that he is inaccessible, or that He doesn't care about people.

It's been my experience that God knows my heart, my desires and feelings. And he knows them perfectly. When I need to verbalize everything going on around me, I know that God never gets tired of hearing me... No matter how many times I say things. This is such a comfort to me because I know I sometimes I ware people out with all my words. I can soften up. I can relax. The walls I have created around me can come down. Genuine vulnerability. It's wonderful.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W09cYDx4Bp4

GOD. (Just Some Thoughts).

I saw a YouTube video last night which suggests that people with AS or Autism may be more prone to being atheists than neuro-typicals.

In honesty, this did not surprise me but it did make me sad. The reason I was sad about this is because I always become a bit down hearted when I know that anyone does not experience the wonderful privilege of knowing the Lord as their savior. This is because, in my view... There is nothing like this freedom. I came to know the Lord as my personal savior at age 15. I can say with total certainty, that it was (and is) the best decision I've ever made. Now, as has been stated in this blog many times, I've not officially been diagnosed with AS or Autism. I have a strong suspicion that I have it, and so I've been researching it like crazy, which is what led to writing this blog.

The following are my own personal experiences and opinions based on knowing God as. I understand him.

I know, for me personally, I tend to be very cynical and suspicious... Distrusting of people's motives. My cynicism often will "choke" my willingness to be open minded about things. I tend to analyze things to death, which can often be to my detriment because it is difficult for me to be secure with what I cannot see. Even if I BELIEVE in something I do not see, it's very challenging to be secure in what is not seen because I can't control those things. It seems to me that more than anything, Aspie's want control, and predictability. They (we) want things we can "predict". Even when we can't see something (the wind, for example), we can predict that it will be there and take some measures to control how we are affected by it.

The idea of God can be unnerving for several reasons. We cannot see him, or feel him, or hear his voice audibly. What does he look like anyway? Is he tall, short, fat, thin? What color is his skin, hair, eyes? He's perfect (so you've probably been told). Well gee, we're not, are we? This opens up a whole different line of questioning... If he exists and he's perfect, why do so many imperfect things happen? Why do people call this loving? Why does the Bible call this loving? Well, as you can tell, we could be here all day just with questions, couldn't we?

But, I believe that the hardest thing for most of us to swallow about God, and the reason many people don't believe in him, is because of the fact that he wants us to allow him to take control of our lives. On a practical level, I think this seems rather rude and conceited to many of us. Here, if he DOES exist, we aren't even allowed to see his face, but he requires of us that we give everything over to him? He allows all these painful things in our lives, but the Bible says he's good and perfect? And maybe the hardest thing... Hell. What is Hell? Does it even exist? If God is so good, why do people go there? What about sin? Why must we be accepting that our "sin" is so unacceptable to a God who claims that he loves us?

This is a lot of questions and a lot of ideas. Just talking about God can make an Aspie want to escape and say why bother?. I mean, this topic can make an Aspie feel as though their head will explode! God is not an easy thing for neuro typicals to discuss...never mind all the pointless arguments for things! But, to the Aspie way of thinking, with seeing everything through the "lens" of themselves, torrents of emotion that can take over completely, an insatiable need for verbal explanations and tangible, physical proof, the idea of an unseen. All powerful, all knowing entity that requires control of our lives can be an insult (I think) to their very existence.
Now what I won't do right now is quote a bunch of scripture. There will be scripture references at the end of this; but right now, I want to focus on people and what they are like.

Aspie's in particular have (I think) a lot of difficulty being told what to think or why they should think that way. Neuro typicals have this problem too particularly when it comes to spiritual things... But not to the same extent that Aspie's do. So...tangibly speaking... How can we understand who God is? Many people, whether Aspie or nuero typical will say that they do not understand the Bible. Well, I don't know about you, but I don't understand road maps myself. I see the words and the lines and the directions, but still am not sure where they lead to. Even when I know the destination, I still have no idea how to get from point A to point B. But, with practice, I can read them better. Even so, because I don't drive, I still need to trust someone else who REALLY knows how to read that map to get me where I need to go. But in the end, it's always reassuring that someone who cares about me is willing to "drive" me there, safely, and get me home.

The Bible is like a detailed road map. It's much more than that, but practically speaking, it's a road map. This "map" show's us both where we've been and where we're going (in life). And God is driving the car. To put it a different way, God is "walking" with us through our "journey" and he is the guide... He is the leader, with the "map" directing us each day through life. A lot of us don't understand this "map.". That's okay. A lot of us don't understand road maps either, which is why we need a "driver" or a "guide." (God). Think of it as taking a taxi through a strange city. You have to tell the driver where you wanna go, and then trust that he will get us there.

God, want's to teach us how to read and understand his "map". But, he will only do this if we (as individuals) ask him to show us how to read it. When we tell God that we want him to teach us to read his map... You probably have heard of "asking Jesus into your heart"? You say to God that you want Him to show you how to read his map. Now, I realize that this example isn't a perfect one, and ask you to bear with me because none of them will be. But the cool thing is, that none of us are perfect anyway... And neither am I. So there's some constancy for you! :)
Now, logically speaking, can we "change" a road map? Sure, we can... But we'd never reach our destination. Logically speaking, the directions on the map must stay the way they are for us to get where we need to go. This is the way the "map" of the Bible works too. The "directions" don't change and neither does the (final) destination.

So, you could say, this is the purpose for the Bible. It tells us where to go and helps to know our "driver" through life. To me, this adds up to a lot of security for me! I've got a "guide" and a "road map" to get me through. Cool! Life is hard enough, I could use the reassurance (personally) :). So, how do we get know our "guide"? It's actually very simple. We read and follow the directions.

Now, isn't it annoying when our parents ever asked us to do something and the only reason we got is; "Because I said so."? Didn't you hate that? Now, be honest... How many times did you find out that your parents were right... Even though at the time, we hated (at least some of) the instructions? God is the same way. Nobody likes all of his instructions, but just like our parent's instructions needed to be followed... God's do as well. Sometimes we wanted our parents instructions to change, but they wouldn't because if our parents took their job seriously, then they were consistent with us, right? (They didn't back down). God is the same way. My point is that this is why the Bible does not change. This is why God (himself) does not change. He's the same yesterday, today and always will be. What does this mean for us? How about security, consistency? Those are nice, stable, safe things right? It would seem to me that the Aspie mind in particular can truly benefit from the comfort this can bring. This can allow our minds to relax a bit and know that God has our back's (literally). Which brings me to my next point...

Perfection. How is it that God is perfect?
I don't know. If you don't know either, guess what? You're in very good company! No one knows. Why is this good? Congratulations my Aspie friend... You are just like everybody else!! In not knowing how God is perfect, you now have common ground with everybody on the planet! (See, and you thought you were so topsy-turvy) :). Now, I won't tell you that you have to trust... You don't. That's up to you. Now, if you don't trust him, there is an end result... It's called consequences. My mother taught me a lot about them as a kid growing up. But don't worry... This just the law of cause & effect, that's all. There are "results" to each choice we make, yes? :). Insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results (or so I have read). With our road map the Bible, we can predict, with 100% accuracy the consequences involving eternal things; because the map tells us what they are. Stability.

Now, here's the one that people tend to hate the most. It is a scary place, but take heart... None of us actually HAVE to go there!! :)

Hell. Yes, there is a destination called Hell, and our road map, the Bible tells us how to avoid getting stuck there. Our "map" also states that if we do get stuck there... There's no way to get out.
For practical purposes, Hell is the space God created for those who can't come into God's space because they do not agree with his terms. Don't you hate when you have a plan and you want to carry it out your own way, and someone insists that you do things their way instead, and they don't think about how bothered you are?? God's the same way. He has his own way of thinking, and it's narrow. He has his own plan and knows exactly how he wants it carried out. His interest, is seeing who agrees with him & who doesn't. Our road map, the Bible, says that if you agree with God's way of thinking, you are allowed into his space. (Heaven). If you don't agree with him, there is a separate space you'll need to be in. (Hell). Because these are eternal matters being talked about.... Both of these destinations are forever. One is Paradise, and the other is, well... Hell. It's God's order, it's the way he thinks. But he doesn't really want any of us to get stuck there. :)

How it works: Our "map" says that if we have not accepted Jesus into our heart then we basically have not agreed to his terms. For more on what this means,

Okay... The Trinity. Don't worry...this won't be nearly as complicated as you think. :)
What is it? God the Father...God the Son...God the Holy Spirit.
Why are there three? Because we need three. ("We" being the human race).
Why do we need three? Because God the Father is perfect, and we are not, and only if God is in 3 forms is He COMPLETE.
God the Father: sinless perfection. We can rest in the fact that God can handle everything because he IS perfect. Can we relate to that? I know I sure can't!
(Keep reading...

God the son (Jesus). How do we know, Jesus was God? Because our "map" let's us get know our "guide"... Remember?
How do we know we can trust the One who made the map?
He's perfect, so he can't make any errors...otherwise the order of perfection wouldn't be perfect. WE as people are not perfect... And... That brings me to my next point.

Jesus. Why was he human? Because we are all human and God could not "relate" to us as human beings if he had not walked the earth as a human himself.
Why is Jesus no longer with us? Because he died, just like all of us will someday.
People are born, they live their life for a number of years, and they die, right?
Same thing with Jesus. Jesus (when he walked this earth) was God, living a life like we do...

So that he could empathize with us as human beings.

My dear Aspie friend...Jesus was and is the ultimate example of EMPATHY :). He empathized with us, because he was human, and he left his BOOK here with us so that we can read about him and learn how to have empathy... Both for him and for each other. But there is something else he left with us as well; which brings me to my next point...

The Holy Spirit. Why do we need the Holy Spirit?
Because Jesus died, and is no longer with us (physically).
But God promised that he would never leave us nor forsake us. The Holy Spirit fulfill's that promise.
The Holy Spirit is the "Comforter" God left with us when Jesus died. The Holy spirit is the "light" that comes inside our hearts when we "ask Jesus into our heart". You've probably heard that expression before. Maybe, you've been confused by it... Or thought that it was nonsense, or not possible.

Remember you are free to believe whatever you like; I'm merely trying to simplify what can be a very complex subject. The Holy Spirit can be particularly challenging to the Aspie mind because he's invisible. He's like feelings... He's invisible. But on a practical level, you know that your thoughts exist, right? You know that your own feelings exist, right? Now, actually, this is very easy. To be literal about it, no one can literally step inside someone's heart, right? This is what Niccodemus asked Jesus about... Being born (again).

How can we be born again? We can't (not literally). So, the only way Jesus can be known by us now, is through his spirit.
When we are "born again," that refers to the process of Jesus "renewing" our heart's, (when and if we request it).

Okay, stop.

Take a breath for a moment, or even come back to this page tomorrow. :)

Actually, here come's the best part... But to the Aspie mind, this can be a bit uncomfortable...

There is no way that anyone can "behave" their way to Heaven.
None of us can memorize enough, be good enough, join enough churches, do enough charity work, follow enough rules, or develop enough methods memorizing verses of scripture in order to earn entrance into Heaven.

God knows that no person is perfect, but because He is perfect, he could not "empathize" if you will, with any imperfection. He has a one track mind, you could say. It's not cruelty... It's simply who God is. It's how he thinks. Being perfect... He can only think perfectly because that's the way He is.

(Do you see where I'm going with this? :)

Here's the thing... His perfection would not allow any relationship with us.
Why? Because of sin.

And here, we come to the story of Creation and Adam and Eve.

Still with me?

Substitution: God's perfection couldn't handle our imperfection... But, he's God... He can do what he wants, so he made a way to bridge th gap between us. We're human (duh) :) and God is "super" human, so.. Someone had t o be both :) The reason that Jesus rose from the dead (and we don't) is simply because he was still God (superhuman). :)
In Jesus, the the divine & human elements came together.

But let's get back to the beginning...

Now, many people do not believe the Creation story was literal. They say it was an allegory, or that it's only figurative. I'm not sure what you're view of this story is... But consider this question:

Why did God have to create a man at all?
Why did he have to create a woman at all?

According to the Creation story, God's work was all completed, and it was good. God was satisfied and he rested at the end of it. All perfect order had been put into place. The only "experience" God hadn't had yet, was risking rejection because he desired someone to relate to!

I mean, to me the whole Creation Story mirror's the way the Autistic/AS mind works.
God the Father had created his own (little) world, and he sat back and enjoyed everything He'd made...rested when he wanted to. He was all by himself... Nobody there to disrupt his thought process or make him lose concentration on his beautiful work... But he was alone. He analyzed his work, and something was missing. What was it?

Relationships. Empathy. Compassion for others. Understanding.

So, for starter's, he created a man, who experienced THE SAME sense of desire that God had. Adam got the job of seeing that all the creatures he named had mates... But that made him wonder where his companion was...
This "creation" is a mirror of what God himself felt.

"Who will love me? Who will relate to me?". (After I've done everything myself?)

So, Adam and Eve (his companion) were created in God's image and for his...pleasure, rather than the logical completion purpose.
So, the couple shared in his perfect world (3 people) just like the Trinity.
Order.

But, could the couple truly know what empathy was, or gratitude was, or thankfulness was...or security, or relief?
Well, they did not know what loneliness was, or isolation, or anxiety, or the pain of being different.
There was nothing different than the one (Auto) God's perfection. This was the condition he was in. His "one" track, (in his case), perfect, mind could allow no other results

Sounds wonderful, would you agree? (I mean, for there to be no pain or anything).

Except for one thing...

What does all the perfection in the world mean, if nobody can receive it, or be aware that it's given?

What should be done?

God could not veer away from his "perfection"... That's the way he is. But with only a one track way of functioning (perfection in everything)as a matter of order, how could "we" really "relate" to him or "know" how deep his desire to love us is?
The only way we could see the "light" is to know the darkness of consequence that comes from making choices.

Now, my point is this: God had to veer away from his one track standard of perfection, or his way of thinking, and take the risk that we would reject him (and face the consequences) In order that we would know how much he loves us. When you think about it, this is the risk that an autistic/AS person must take everyday...

Can we leave our comfort zone and what we're familiar with in order to do what does not come naturally (because our way of thinking just does not go that way?). Can we allow someone else into our own narrow ways of doing things and relate to them and enjoy them? Can we risk them walking away from us?
Absolutely!!

Now of course, we're not perfect...I only use God's perfection as the ultimate example of the way an autistic mind can work. It's an analogy. (Be careful with it, because I'm not trying to say that those who are Autistic are perfect :) Of course it would be much less complicated and a lot more comfortable if we could build our own little world around us, and stay there, and have no interruptions... But who really wants that? Not even God himself wanted that :). He invited Adam and Eve to make a choice, he used Jesus as the atonement for the "imperfection," and now, we are all invited to come into God's world and get to know him. But we must do it on his terms. Now, be honest, isn't it easier for you to let someone into your world when they will do it on your terms? God is the same way.

His terms are these: Just Ask.

That's all he wants. No method, no ladder to climb, no rigid rules. Just ask.
Especially for the AS or Autistic mind, this can be difficult because it's so easy (LOL) :). We analyze and research and poke and prod... We naturally think there has to be more to it than that. There really isn't. Jesus bridged the gap between our "stain" (sin) on God's, well... Autistic thinking! :) LOL!

Now, the idea of God is also difficult to grasp because we must use our imagination so much. God's road map, the Bible, is filled with stories about who he is, but we must use our imagination when we read them. To many with AS or Autism, this is simply not practical, or comfortable. But, love goes beyond reason...
I think imagination does too! Besides, for many Aspies, imagination can take very active role in the world that they feel safe in. The scripture says that when a person accepts Jesus into their heart, he then reveals to them what his word is saying. So, if you've never experienced being saved, and you read the Bible, and think that you can't understand it... You are right. His road map, the Bible says that the Holy Spirit must reveal to us what his word says... Sort of like a divine "interpreter" if you like.

(See scripture references below).

So, my friend, if you are having trouble identifying with what you can't actually see, don't worry... At times, everyone does. Based on my own experience, I know that he guided me to himself. I may not have been aware of it at the time, but in due time, God gently revealed that to me. He will never force his way in on anyone. He wants to be wanted by each of us....and he desires for all of us to have our own personal relationship with Him. In my opinion, he is the very best one on one counselor there is! He is the friend who sticks closer then a brother, and he will never leave you!

If your desire is to know Him personally, ask Him to come into your heart and show you who he is....

Go to a quiet place and close your door, and say something like this:

Lord Jesus, I agree with you that I have sinned; that I fall short of your perfection.
I ask you to come into my heart now, and show me who you are and save me from the sin that has separated us.
I acknowledge that I need you to take control of my life.
I cannot do this on my own.
Thank you for accepting me through the death of your son Jesus!
Amen!

My friend, it is an incredible, wonderful journey!

Best Wishes and God Bless You!!

Tina

Scriptures:

God will never leave you. Deuteronomy 31:6
Jesus is God in the flesh. 1st. Timothy 3:16
Belief in God (Salvation) John 3:16
God knows what he plans for us. Jeremiah 29:11
The Creation Story (creation of man & woman & the Fall (of man).
Genesis chapter 2 and 3
God knows us intimately. Psalm 139:1-18 and verses 23-24.
Be courageous. Joshua 1:9
God's perfection: Psalm 18:30
The Trinity:
(These verses refer to different parts of the Trinity).
Philippians 2:5-8
John 10:30
Hebrews 1:8
Isaiah 9:6
Isaiah 45:5
1st Corinthians 3:16
Hell. 2nd Samuel 22:5-6 2nd Peter 2:4.
Knowing God. Romans 12:2. 1st John 4:6-7
God reveals his word to you. 1st Corinthians 2:10
For those who love God. Romans 8:28. (All of chapter 8 is also excellent!)
Growing up in God's love. 1st Corinthians 13
God gives us wisdom: James 1:5